For most of my motherhood years it's been a challenge to spend time reading my Bible. I don't know why, but I just couldn't seem to make it happen that often. I tried and tried, but quiet alone time with God didn't happen much. I was praying throughout the day, going to church, maybe reading books or articles online that were Christian and edifying. I sang praise songs on my own and was hungry for the Word, and lived according to it as best I could, but not studying it a lot myself.
I've been wanting to change this for quite awhile, but always found excuses. I still continued to progress in my understanding of it God's Word and Him, but it got to the point that hearing it preached just wasn't enough. I had to feed myself.
Early this month I was listening to two ministers and they were talking about putting God's Word first, which I've heard MANY times. However, they were both saying that most people try to fit God into their lives, in their daily schedules, which means it doesn't happen or isn't quality. They said you have to put it first and arrange your life around it. That really clicked for me. They also related their own experiences of putting Him and His Word first place, and how all the other things they needed to do somehow got done. And when they tried skipping their daily dose of the Word, somehow the work got bigger and didn't get done!
I made the decision that I would do whatever I had to do to get this going in my life. One of the main issues was, if I got up early, and turned a light on in the living room, a child would wake up and no more quiet time. I also really like to drink some coffee to wake up, and messing around in the kitchen is also disturbing to children's sleep and hard to do when you're barely awake. So, God fixed it for me :)
We had rearranged the living room so that I now had a chair and a side table with lamp in the corner so that with the door shut to children's rooms, they wouldn't notice the light. I didn't think about how we did it until I was trying to figure out a way to get up early. Oh! That would work. Also, my parents gave me and Matt a Keurig coffee maker, so that all I have to do is put a k-cupp thingie in there and push a button and in about a minute the coffee is ready! Awesome, didn't even think about that. The Lord knew my heart and was setting it up for me.
So I started getting up at 5:30 and spending an hour praying and reading the Word. The cool thing is that this was no longer a difficult thing to do. This seemed so vital to me that it wasn't a hardship to get up. I have gotten to the point where I craved it. Now, of course there's the issue with going to bed early. This doesn't happen a lot, and so after 2-3 days I get up a little later, like 6 and have a shorter time. Today, since I unintentionally stayed up till 12:30 am (watching Ben-Hur, lost track of time!!!) I got up at 6:30. It's ok though, because it really is a habit, and it really is something I have to have.
Awhile back I was listening to a preacher talk about being in a meeting, and there was a lady behind him that was just saying constantly, "Oh this delicous! Oh the Word is delicious!" and he and his wife got tickled about it. But I get it now. I have found that the more time I spend in His Word, the more wonderful it becomes. It literally feels like life being poured into me. Hearing the Word being preached at church or through someone I'm listening to, actually feels like eating a most delicious juicy ripe fruit, or a juicy steak, or a hot buttered corn on the cob from the garden. This is so funny, but it really is the truth.
"How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" Psalm 119:103
'But He said to them, "I have food to eat of which you do not know."' John 4:32
"And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst ..." John 6:35
This is so true, I have found out for myself. I'm not bragging on myself or anything, but I know what His Word says, and I am expecting to be rewarded and for His favor, and He has given it. I'm not saying that the days don't have challenges, they do, but He has enabled me to do things on limited sleep because I've sacrificed what my natural body was wanting to gain strength for my spiritual man.
"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes
to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who
diligently seek Him. " Hebrews 11:16
God wants to bless us and reward us, here on earth, not just in heaven. We need it here! I am walking by faith that if I am diligent in putting Him first, He will take care of my needs and desires.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." Matthew 6:33
Here's a real life example. Last week, somehow we lost track of some of our bank transactions, and it looked like we were going to have a transaction go through with not enough money in the account. So, we would have gone in the red and the bank would charge us overdraft fees. Normally, we would borrow some cash from a family member or something, and pay them back on the next paycheck, to make sure there was enough in the back to keep it from overdrafting.
But I didn't want to do that and neither did my husband. So, what are the choices? While it may have been our fault for losing track of the spending, it certainly wasn't intentional, and we had used some extra money to bless others that week. Well, I believe what the Bible says about sowing and reaping, and that by sowing tithes and offerings into the kingdom of God, we will reap a harvest back in the same form, which was money. So, we just gave the care to God, and stood on His promises. These are the ones we stood on:
"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
"Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, That there may be food in My
house, And try Me now in this," Says the LORD of hosts, "If I will not
open for you the windows of heaven And pour out for you [such] blessing
That there will not be room enough to receive it." Malachi 3:10
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
There's more, but that's the gist of it. So, we forced ourselves to relax, put our faith in Him and not worry. Whatever happened, we knew He was taking care of us.
This morning Matt showed me our account. Though we had two transactions pending and waiting to go through, and if they did we would have gone into the negative, somehow they didn't, and his weekly paycheck went through first before those other transactions. So, we didn't go in the red, we had more than enough to cover the checks and we got to see how walking in His Word and putting our trust and faith in Him and what He says, does indeed work.
Isn't He awesome? How He cares and loves us. To me, it's the seemingly little things that He does for us that speak the loudest to me, because most people think He doesn't care or can't be bothered with such tiny details. They don't want to trouble Him about their problems thinking He is ' too busy' or only interested in the major things happening on the earth. But I've found out different.
"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our
weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without
sin.
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16
I am so thankful and so grateful for Him. I am so blessed and so loved, and so are you!
Showing posts with label Deep Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Deep Thoughts. Show all posts
January 31, 2013
January 25, 2013
The Name of Jesus
I was sorting through my playlist on this blog yesterday, which by the way, if it's an annoyance let me know. I was going to delete if off of here, but I mainly use it for my own convenience, sort of like in ipod or something. I was amazed that a lot of the songs were still there since the website has had many changes since I blogged on this site.
There is one band in particular that I really liked- Skillet. Matt and I went to one of their concerts before we got married, and then it was a worship flavored sound, and it was awesome. Years went by and I happened on a song of theirs and wow, they had switched to some hardcore techno and rock sounds. My personal preference are these types of genres of music, and it really resonates in me.
So, we went to a concert of theirs in 2008, and it was really good. A new album came out in 2011, and I was so pumped, thinking it would be even better. What a disappointment. There were maybe two songs on their that were good, but, everything else seemed to be about nothing in particular.
So I finally looked it up yesterday to see if anyone else noticed the same things and if there was any insight on it. I found an article about various artists like TobyMac and another one called Lecrae. These two artists acknowledged that they were musicians that loved their career, but their faith is in the forefront of their lives, and while they may sing about something not overtly Christian once in awhile, they are not ashamed to proclaim Jesus' name in their music. I know this personally because I have some TobyMac cds and one of the songs is called 'Funky Jesus Music', which, every time I hear I get to laughing at the visual image I get of Jesus dancing hip hop.
The interesting thing is that these bands are wildly successful, not just in the Christian music arena, but also have been played on some secular radio stations. Lecrae, I believe, was asked to sing at some prominent event that was secular, and I think it was TobyMac that was played in a commercial or something.I would have to go back and reread the article to know for sure.
Skillet, however, has said that they prefer not to use the name of Jesus in their songs because they want to make their music appeal to a broader audience and don't want to alientate people; by singing about things in a more vague way, people are free to draw their own conclusions and find meaning that's relevant to them.
Um, exsqeeze me? Did I read that right? I would have liked to see the expression on my face when I did read it. Something to notice too is that this band is still not welcome on several secular radio stations even though they aren't blatantly Christian(i.e. saying Jesus) The favor of the Lord is on those other guys, and though they're speaking the name of Jesus boldly, they aren't being penalized for it because all in all, they are good musicians. And why are they so good? They have God given talent and are using it for His glory and purpose.
The people in Skillet have amazing talent, of course, the lead guitar player left the band a year or so ago. I'm wondering now if he didn't like the path the group was on.Who knows? While what Skillet says could be true in a sense, I have found that people aren't ready to receive Jesus until they are ready. Usually the Spirit of God has been drawing and drawing them for awhile, and when the time is right and the harvest is ripe, God sends someone their way that reaps the harvest and lead them to Jesus.
My best friend listened to Christian music before she got saved, and she said it didn't mean jack to her. She read my books that were Christian, my Bible, went to church with me sometimes, listened to my songs and she still went her own way. (those were seeds that were sown in her heart and eventually she found Jesus) So, if that's the case, why NOT speak the truth? How is not using Jesus' name going to set them apart as anyone different from the secular music world? They actually said they didn't want to be labeled as a Christian band. Wow. They were SOLD OUT for Jesus the first time I saw them. It's one thing if the Lord is leading them in this path, but it doesn't seem that way to me. God isn't going to instruct us not to use His name.
Some may wonder why this is a big deal, so I'll go to the Word of God to find out.
John 20:30-31 " Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name."
Acts 2:38 "And Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
Acts 3:16 "And his name--by faith in his name--has made this man strong whom you see and know, and the faith that is through Jesus has given the man this perfect health in the presence of you all."
Acts 16:18 "And this she kept doing for many days. Paul, having become greatly annoyed, turned and said to the spirit, "I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her." And it came out that very hour."
Mark 16:17-18 And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover."
John 14:13-14 "Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it."
And lastly, " Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of [things] in heaven, and [things] in earth, and [things] under the earth; And [that] every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ [is] Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:9-11
Obviously, Jesus' name is awesome and important. The above verse says that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow- in heaven, in earth, and hell (under the earth)- and every tongue confess that HE is Lord. His name is power. Through His name, we have power to lay hands on the sick and they shall be healed, cast out evil spirits, baptize others in His name, receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and then, when we pray according to His Word and ask in Jesus name, He says He will do it. Repeatedly.
The name of Jesus might make unbelievers uncomfortable, as it should, because they are not saved.There is sin in their lives that hasn't been washed out by the blood of Jesus. And it sure makes the demons hanging around uncomfortable. We know that by several instances when they would speak in fear at what Jesus would do, and He would make them be quiet and come out of people. When I pray, especially if being attacked by ungodly thoughts, or symptoms of sickness, or if interceding on another's behalf, I use the name of Jesus first, for example, "In the name of Jesus, I command these evil thoughts/symptoms etc. to get off of me, for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death..." or whatever comes up in my spirit to say, and then as led will pray in the Spirit or tongues.
The name of Jesus is vital. I can't imagine that much power will be in songs by a band who doesn't want to speak it. I will continue to play and listen to their old ones because they are good, but I will be praying for their spirit eyes and ears to be opened on the matter. It could be that God is leading them into the mainstream music industry,it doesn't appear that way in my view. If your goal is to obey the Lord out of love for Him and fulfill His purposes, fame and glory and money won't be a concern. However, you will be blessed and can have just as big a following of people and fans in the Christian world while still speaking the truth, the Word, and His name. Take a look at this example:
There is one band in particular that I really liked- Skillet. Matt and I went to one of their concerts before we got married, and then it was a worship flavored sound, and it was awesome. Years went by and I happened on a song of theirs and wow, they had switched to some hardcore techno and rock sounds. My personal preference are these types of genres of music, and it really resonates in me.
So, we went to a concert of theirs in 2008, and it was really good. A new album came out in 2011, and I was so pumped, thinking it would be even better. What a disappointment. There were maybe two songs on their that were good, but, everything else seemed to be about nothing in particular.
So I finally looked it up yesterday to see if anyone else noticed the same things and if there was any insight on it. I found an article about various artists like TobyMac and another one called Lecrae. These two artists acknowledged that they were musicians that loved their career, but their faith is in the forefront of their lives, and while they may sing about something not overtly Christian once in awhile, they are not ashamed to proclaim Jesus' name in their music. I know this personally because I have some TobyMac cds and one of the songs is called 'Funky Jesus Music', which, every time I hear I get to laughing at the visual image I get of Jesus dancing hip hop.
The interesting thing is that these bands are wildly successful, not just in the Christian music arena, but also have been played on some secular radio stations. Lecrae, I believe, was asked to sing at some prominent event that was secular, and I think it was TobyMac that was played in a commercial or something.I would have to go back and reread the article to know for sure.
Skillet, however, has said that they prefer not to use the name of Jesus in their songs because they want to make their music appeal to a broader audience and don't want to alientate people; by singing about things in a more vague way, people are free to draw their own conclusions and find meaning that's relevant to them.
Um, exsqeeze me? Did I read that right? I would have liked to see the expression on my face when I did read it. Something to notice too is that this band is still not welcome on several secular radio stations even though they aren't blatantly Christian(i.e. saying Jesus) The favor of the Lord is on those other guys, and though they're speaking the name of Jesus boldly, they aren't being penalized for it because all in all, they are good musicians. And why are they so good? They have God given talent and are using it for His glory and purpose.
The people in Skillet have amazing talent, of course, the lead guitar player left the band a year or so ago. I'm wondering now if he didn't like the path the group was on.Who knows? While what Skillet says could be true in a sense, I have found that people aren't ready to receive Jesus until they are ready. Usually the Spirit of God has been drawing and drawing them for awhile, and when the time is right and the harvest is ripe, God sends someone their way that reaps the harvest and lead them to Jesus.
My best friend listened to Christian music before she got saved, and she said it didn't mean jack to her. She read my books that were Christian, my Bible, went to church with me sometimes, listened to my songs and she still went her own way. (those were seeds that were sown in her heart and eventually she found Jesus) So, if that's the case, why NOT speak the truth? How is not using Jesus' name going to set them apart as anyone different from the secular music world? They actually said they didn't want to be labeled as a Christian band. Wow. They were SOLD OUT for Jesus the first time I saw them. It's one thing if the Lord is leading them in this path, but it doesn't seem that way to me. God isn't going to instruct us not to use His name.
Some may wonder why this is a big deal, so I'll go to the Word of God to find out.
John 20:30-31 " Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name."
Acts 2:38 "And Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
Acts 3:16 "And his name--by faith in his name--has made this man strong whom you see and know, and the faith that is through Jesus has given the man this perfect health in the presence of you all."
Acts 16:18 "And this she kept doing for many days. Paul, having become greatly annoyed, turned and said to the spirit, "I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her." And it came out that very hour."
Mark 16:17-18 And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover."
John 14:13-14 "Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it."
And lastly, " Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of [things] in heaven, and [things] in earth, and [things] under the earth; And [that] every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ [is] Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:9-11
Obviously, Jesus' name is awesome and important. The above verse says that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow- in heaven, in earth, and hell (under the earth)- and every tongue confess that HE is Lord. His name is power. Through His name, we have power to lay hands on the sick and they shall be healed, cast out evil spirits, baptize others in His name, receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and then, when we pray according to His Word and ask in Jesus name, He says He will do it. Repeatedly.
The name of Jesus might make unbelievers uncomfortable, as it should, because they are not saved.There is sin in their lives that hasn't been washed out by the blood of Jesus. And it sure makes the demons hanging around uncomfortable. We know that by several instances when they would speak in fear at what Jesus would do, and He would make them be quiet and come out of people. When I pray, especially if being attacked by ungodly thoughts, or symptoms of sickness, or if interceding on another's behalf, I use the name of Jesus first, for example, "In the name of Jesus, I command these evil thoughts/symptoms etc. to get off of me, for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death..." or whatever comes up in my spirit to say, and then as led will pray in the Spirit or tongues.
The name of Jesus is vital. I can't imagine that much power will be in songs by a band who doesn't want to speak it. I will continue to play and listen to their old ones because they are good, but I will be praying for their spirit eyes and ears to be opened on the matter. It could be that God is leading them into the mainstream music industry,it doesn't appear that way in my view. If your goal is to obey the Lord out of love for Him and fulfill His purposes, fame and glory and money won't be a concern. However, you will be blessed and can have just as big a following of people and fans in the Christian world while still speaking the truth, the Word, and His name. Take a look at this example:
May 27, 2009
Staying at Home
I don't normally watch reality shows or any weekly show (except LOST). I rarely sit and watch TV except sometimes at night. (DVR is great!) However, last Friday there was a 'Jon and Kate plus 8' marathon starting from the very first show. I remember watching that first show a few years back, when the sextuplets were 1.5 years old. For anyone not familiar with the family, they had a set of twins and then a few years later had a set of sextuplets.
Anyways, so I watched a few episodes and had noticed the tabloids about the alleged affair between the husband and a lady friend. After watching approximately 6 of the shows total, I honestly thought it was just a complete hoax and that all was well. They get frustrated yes, but it was obvious they were a team and did love each other.
I was very saddened to find out it was not. This couple is basically divorced, less than 1 year after they renewed their vows on TV and pledged they would be together forever. Wow it just makes me ill. Now, according to Kate, she just cannot figure out what is going on with Jon, who says he did not cheat but is obviously having a hard time with life in general. She is very angry and doesn't get what happened.
Well, let me tell ya, I figured it out. For one, it is very obvious that she is controlling by nature, a type A personality and go getter. Jon is easy going and laid back and not a leader type. They get stressed at each other, very understandably, since no one can really imagine what it must be like to take care of 8 kids that young. (who are 5 years old now) However, she is very harsh and critical with him lots of times in public, which is just DEVASTATING to a man. She claims she doesn't notice other people around etc. Whatever. I can hardly bear to watch it when she is so tactless and rude to her own husband.
Jon is sick of the show. He is tired of being in the public eye and having his photos taken and being tracked everywhere he goes. The man is DONE. Yet, for whatever reason, they keep going. Truthfully, I lost interest once the kids got past potty training- the baby stage was more entertaining to me.
Here's the other thing. Kate wrote a book. She is on a tour promoting this book for a good chunk of time and also has some speaking engagements to encourage moms. Her husband quit his job and stays home with the kids with help from a babysitter. Hmmm... something wrong with this picture. I think many of us understand the innate need in a man to provide for their families, to be respected, to be the leader even if they aren't naturally gifted at leading. Men were not designed to be mommies, and they will not function as well being a stay at home dad long term.
What happened to the lovey dovey couple pledging endless love to each other, who now won't even look at each other in the face?
I think I know. Kate bought the lie. She got sucked into the idea that she could have it all- family and career and successful marriage. It seems sort of obvious that nothing Jon does is good enough in her eyes as well. She probably got tired of the day in and day out of caring and cleaning and feeding and cooking etc. and when offered this 'job', she and Jon thought it would be a great opportunity for her to 'get out once in awhile'. But then, it took over their life. The show itself has run its course- children are 5, time to cut it loose. You can tell such a difference in her countenance and demeanor over the years, from the first show to the most current. She goes from a soft, motherly look and focused on the babies to very harsh, power driven, scary hair with a mission.
Poor things. I pray God brings someone to Kate to show her a true picture of God's design for marriage and family, before it's too late. I pray that they can forgive each other and have renewed love in their hearts for each other. It's obvious what needs to happen- Jon goes back to work, stop taping the show, stop the book tour, relearn how to see her husband and accept him as he is. Show compassion, gentleness and love. She can't do it by herself, which I think they are Christians, although I doubt the seriousness of their faith at this point. She has the power to change the situation and I believe that ultimately, the breakdown in their relationship is her fault. Of course I don't know them, but I know enough. I'm a meanie I know, but that's my objective opinion.
So all that to say, sometimes the deceiver tries to pull one on me too. He tries to make me think that the grass is greener on the other side; life would be better or easier if this or that; I'm not important or valuable or interesting; my brain isn't getting used, I'm not special, my husband wants someone else etc.
All lies, from the father of lies. When that stuff hits, I try to think back when generally all women stayed home. Could you say that they didn't have a purpose? That their lives weren't productive or useful? No way. How I wish I could have a group of those ladies over and just pick their brains for a day! I'm sure I'd hear some great stories.
Do you take joy in being a homemaker? Many times I don't. I get caught up in what I didn't get done or how quickly something I cleaned gets dirtied etc. I get tired of being inside of the same walls everyday with no other adults. But, the alternative is not appealing either. I am glad I have the choice to be at home. I just cannot imagine trying to get all my children out the door to daycare and go to work all day, then come home and do all the house duties, without being pregnant! How much more so when you are?? Kudos to those who must work.
I can honestly say that there is nothing I would rather 'be'. I have no desire to go back to college or have a career. I do take joy in many things that I do each day- I enjoy having a clean, orderly home, plenty of food and the knowledge that I am doing my best to care for our family. We aren't perfect, but I am happy with what I can accomplish at this point in my life.
Anyways, just curious, I am contemplating buying a memory stick for my camera so I can take longer videos. Would anyone be interested in watching a video of me doing something homemaker-y?? Suggestions? (cooking, home tour...) I've really enjoyed Candy's and DeNiece's videos- it really makes me feel like I'm right there. (of course I know Candy personally which makes a difference)
Anyways, so I watched a few episodes and had noticed the tabloids about the alleged affair between the husband and a lady friend. After watching approximately 6 of the shows total, I honestly thought it was just a complete hoax and that all was well. They get frustrated yes, but it was obvious they were a team and did love each other.
I was very saddened to find out it was not. This couple is basically divorced, less than 1 year after they renewed their vows on TV and pledged they would be together forever. Wow it just makes me ill. Now, according to Kate, she just cannot figure out what is going on with Jon, who says he did not cheat but is obviously having a hard time with life in general. She is very angry and doesn't get what happened.
Well, let me tell ya, I figured it out. For one, it is very obvious that she is controlling by nature, a type A personality and go getter. Jon is easy going and laid back and not a leader type. They get stressed at each other, very understandably, since no one can really imagine what it must be like to take care of 8 kids that young. (who are 5 years old now) However, she is very harsh and critical with him lots of times in public, which is just DEVASTATING to a man. She claims she doesn't notice other people around etc. Whatever. I can hardly bear to watch it when she is so tactless and rude to her own husband.
Jon is sick of the show. He is tired of being in the public eye and having his photos taken and being tracked everywhere he goes. The man is DONE. Yet, for whatever reason, they keep going. Truthfully, I lost interest once the kids got past potty training- the baby stage was more entertaining to me.
Here's the other thing. Kate wrote a book. She is on a tour promoting this book for a good chunk of time and also has some speaking engagements to encourage moms. Her husband quit his job and stays home with the kids with help from a babysitter. Hmmm... something wrong with this picture. I think many of us understand the innate need in a man to provide for their families, to be respected, to be the leader even if they aren't naturally gifted at leading. Men were not designed to be mommies, and they will not function as well being a stay at home dad long term.
What happened to the lovey dovey couple pledging endless love to each other, who now won't even look at each other in the face?
I think I know. Kate bought the lie. She got sucked into the idea that she could have it all- family and career and successful marriage. It seems sort of obvious that nothing Jon does is good enough in her eyes as well. She probably got tired of the day in and day out of caring and cleaning and feeding and cooking etc. and when offered this 'job', she and Jon thought it would be a great opportunity for her to 'get out once in awhile'. But then, it took over their life. The show itself has run its course- children are 5, time to cut it loose. You can tell such a difference in her countenance and demeanor over the years, from the first show to the most current. She goes from a soft, motherly look and focused on the babies to very harsh, power driven, scary hair with a mission.
Poor things. I pray God brings someone to Kate to show her a true picture of God's design for marriage and family, before it's too late. I pray that they can forgive each other and have renewed love in their hearts for each other. It's obvious what needs to happen- Jon goes back to work, stop taping the show, stop the book tour, relearn how to see her husband and accept him as he is. Show compassion, gentleness and love. She can't do it by herself, which I think they are Christians, although I doubt the seriousness of their faith at this point. She has the power to change the situation and I believe that ultimately, the breakdown in their relationship is her fault. Of course I don't know them, but I know enough. I'm a meanie I know, but that's my objective opinion.
So all that to say, sometimes the deceiver tries to pull one on me too. He tries to make me think that the grass is greener on the other side; life would be better or easier if this or that; I'm not important or valuable or interesting; my brain isn't getting used, I'm not special, my husband wants someone else etc.
All lies, from the father of lies. When that stuff hits, I try to think back when generally all women stayed home. Could you say that they didn't have a purpose? That their lives weren't productive or useful? No way. How I wish I could have a group of those ladies over and just pick their brains for a day! I'm sure I'd hear some great stories.
Do you take joy in being a homemaker? Many times I don't. I get caught up in what I didn't get done or how quickly something I cleaned gets dirtied etc. I get tired of being inside of the same walls everyday with no other adults. But, the alternative is not appealing either. I am glad I have the choice to be at home. I just cannot imagine trying to get all my children out the door to daycare and go to work all day, then come home and do all the house duties, without being pregnant! How much more so when you are?? Kudos to those who must work.
I can honestly say that there is nothing I would rather 'be'. I have no desire to go back to college or have a career. I do take joy in many things that I do each day- I enjoy having a clean, orderly home, plenty of food and the knowledge that I am doing my best to care for our family. We aren't perfect, but I am happy with what I can accomplish at this point in my life.
Anyways, just curious, I am contemplating buying a memory stick for my camera so I can take longer videos. Would anyone be interested in watching a video of me doing something homemaker-y?? Suggestions? (cooking, home tour...) I've really enjoyed Candy's and DeNiece's videos- it really makes me feel like I'm right there. (of course I know Candy personally which makes a difference)
April 28, 2009
Home
This isn't what I wrote about yesterday that got deleted. I decided to wait until I could do pictures of it. Explanation: our laptop's power supply cord got broken and it has zero battery back up, so I have to use the dinosaur computer from 1998 until we get a new one. This one doesn't adapt to uploading pictures too well, plus it's harder for me to get to.
As I said earlier, I was kind of nervous about our trip, because of what it might mean. Back in the fall, my husband and I really felt a pull or direction from God to move up there. Yet, financially, we couldn't just up and move with him having a job. So, he began searching for something and we've been in a waiting period. During that time, a lot of changes have been made, making us wonder what we're supposed to do- go or stay? Months went on with nothing from Michigan, we had moved again, I was now pregnant, dh got a promotion at work etc. Everyone else had kind of forgotten about it as well.
So, we decide to make the trip since I said no way I am riding the car for two days 8 months pregnant this summer. My husband called one place up to let them know we were coming and they set up an interview. So anyways, I'm ancy all weekend. We meet all of Matt's relatives at a birthday party, we go to church with his parents and everyone is so excited to meet us. We have other friends and family wanting to visit us. This has never really happened before on other trips.
I had already looked at real estate and was blown away by how cheap it is up there! I mean blown away...yes it was cold and snowy, but it was friendly. I literally counted 20 deer as we were driving down the road and several wild turkeys. That place is very wild and unpopulated, yet it is civilized. So then my husband meets the guy, it goes well, but there aren't any jobs available at the moment. I was disappointed.
See, I have felt a strong desire to start over in a new place. We can be ourselves, we can be free to do exactly what God wants without worrying what others will think. My husband would likely have a much less stressful job, he would have friends and family to hunt and fish with, and time to do it. I could be in a church that had social activities and get to know his cousins with the 9 kids better. We hit it off great!
Honestly, the day before we left, I cried a lot. I didn't want to come back here and live in a house that never felt like home, in an isolated neighborhood, in a town that everyone already has their friends. Our own friends and family are too busy for us. Our church is small and not social. Plus, everything I had dreamed of was there. I could have an old farmhouse with land and live next to our cousins who have all sorts of livestock. We could build our own barn and put our own animals in there. My children could run free with no fear of poisonous snakes or spiders, fire ants or poison ivy. We might actually not need an air conditioner.
But when the day came to leave, I was alright and at peace with going. As I traveled further south and the scenery changed, I started to feel sad. I was glad the trip was over when we arrived, but I wasn't glad to be 'Home' because this doesn't feel like home to me. The next day, while driving to church, I felt the same way again. I wasn't all that overjoyed to be back. I was glad to see everyone and the preaching was great, but I really felt out of place.
Later at my parents', I felt the same way. Now tell me, how is it you can feel uncomfortable in the place you've lived all your life? That is like being uncomfortable in your own skin. I guess home truly is where your heart is. Maybe it's because I'm not supposed to feel comfortable here on earth, since my true home is heaven. Maybe that's it.
Could be that we are so close to the coming of Jesus that I will never feel at home anywhere but heaven. A man from church told me this story:
A couple were driving down the road at nighttime the other day. They saw a man walking along the road and they pulled over to see if he needed a ride. He said no he was fine. They insisted that he should take them up on their offer. He said, "No I'm fine really, but I do have a message for you." Surprised, they asked him what the message was.
He said, "Gabriel is wetting his lips."
They turned to look at each other in question, and when they looked back at the man, he was gone. A police officer pulled up behind them and asked if everything was alright. They told him what happened and he said they (the couple) were the second ones to have such an encounter that night.
If you are confused, then let me explain. Gabriel is the one who will sound the trumpet and the church is 'stolen away in the twinkling of an eye' as Jesus' bride and will go to the marriage supper in heaven. Then comes the tribulation and antichrist on the earth.
People get ready, Jesus is coming and soon will be going home.
HOME :)
As I said earlier, I was kind of nervous about our trip, because of what it might mean. Back in the fall, my husband and I really felt a pull or direction from God to move up there. Yet, financially, we couldn't just up and move with him having a job. So, he began searching for something and we've been in a waiting period. During that time, a lot of changes have been made, making us wonder what we're supposed to do- go or stay? Months went on with nothing from Michigan, we had moved again, I was now pregnant, dh got a promotion at work etc. Everyone else had kind of forgotten about it as well.
So, we decide to make the trip since I said no way I am riding the car for two days 8 months pregnant this summer. My husband called one place up to let them know we were coming and they set up an interview. So anyways, I'm ancy all weekend. We meet all of Matt's relatives at a birthday party, we go to church with his parents and everyone is so excited to meet us. We have other friends and family wanting to visit us. This has never really happened before on other trips.
I had already looked at real estate and was blown away by how cheap it is up there! I mean blown away...yes it was cold and snowy, but it was friendly. I literally counted 20 deer as we were driving down the road and several wild turkeys. That place is very wild and unpopulated, yet it is civilized. So then my husband meets the guy, it goes well, but there aren't any jobs available at the moment. I was disappointed.
See, I have felt a strong desire to start over in a new place. We can be ourselves, we can be free to do exactly what God wants without worrying what others will think. My husband would likely have a much less stressful job, he would have friends and family to hunt and fish with, and time to do it. I could be in a church that had social activities and get to know his cousins with the 9 kids better. We hit it off great!
Honestly, the day before we left, I cried a lot. I didn't want to come back here and live in a house that never felt like home, in an isolated neighborhood, in a town that everyone already has their friends. Our own friends and family are too busy for us. Our church is small and not social. Plus, everything I had dreamed of was there. I could have an old farmhouse with land and live next to our cousins who have all sorts of livestock. We could build our own barn and put our own animals in there. My children could run free with no fear of poisonous snakes or spiders, fire ants or poison ivy. We might actually not need an air conditioner.
But when the day came to leave, I was alright and at peace with going. As I traveled further south and the scenery changed, I started to feel sad. I was glad the trip was over when we arrived, but I wasn't glad to be 'Home' because this doesn't feel like home to me. The next day, while driving to church, I felt the same way again. I wasn't all that overjoyed to be back. I was glad to see everyone and the preaching was great, but I really felt out of place.
Later at my parents', I felt the same way. Now tell me, how is it you can feel uncomfortable in the place you've lived all your life? That is like being uncomfortable in your own skin. I guess home truly is where your heart is. Maybe it's because I'm not supposed to feel comfortable here on earth, since my true home is heaven. Maybe that's it.
Could be that we are so close to the coming of Jesus that I will never feel at home anywhere but heaven. A man from church told me this story:
A couple were driving down the road at nighttime the other day. They saw a man walking along the road and they pulled over to see if he needed a ride. He said no he was fine. They insisted that he should take them up on their offer. He said, "No I'm fine really, but I do have a message for you." Surprised, they asked him what the message was.
He said, "Gabriel is wetting his lips."
They turned to look at each other in question, and when they looked back at the man, he was gone. A police officer pulled up behind them and asked if everything was alright. They told him what happened and he said they (the couple) were the second ones to have such an encounter that night.
If you are confused, then let me explain. Gabriel is the one who will sound the trumpet and the church is 'stolen away in the twinkling of an eye' as Jesus' bride and will go to the marriage supper in heaven. Then comes the tribulation and antichrist on the earth.
People get ready, Jesus is coming and soon will be going home.
HOME :)
October 29, 2008
The Masterpiece
I got a revelation today. I can't remember when I got it, sometime this afternoon or evening, but it's a really neat picture.
I was thinking about how different I am now than I was before marriage. I had lots of potential and was wise beyond my years- I must have been, why else would a 29 year old man marry an 18 year old? LOL
But it got me to thinking about the verse that talks about us being the clay and God is the potter that forms us. I was a very nice lump of clay- soft and pliable, easy to work with. (easy for God I mean) But I didn't have a definite form yet.
Or as in a painting, maybe the basic scene was painted, but not the details and highlights that make the picture come alive. Lots of potential, but lacking in anything really beautiful. My husband was the same way.
I believe that marriage and later children, is a means of refinement. It is in these roles that we are pushed to our limits in many areas, causing us to cleave unto the Lord and seek His ways more. For me, I didn't know at all what it meant to be a wife. The first year of marriage was lovely and sweet, but by year three, things were getting tough. That is when I finally learned some valuable things. At the time my husband knew nothing either, and only recently in the last year or two has really 'grown up' in the Lord and in our relationship.
As the days and years go by, the painting of our life becomes more defined- highlights here, touches of unexpected color there, a blending of several colors...or the clay slowly takes shape into something recognizable and hopefully, beautiful. When my dear husband and I were married, we were nice lumps of clay. We have had to let ourselves be molded and changed, and sometimes squished all back together and start over again. I am more amazed at how far we've come in such a short time as each year goes by.
The fact that I can willingly leave all that I've ever known, into 'foreign lands' (ha,ha) for the benefit of my husband, and all of us too, can only be because of what I've learned about submitting to the Father's plan. He has used me to encourage and uplift my husband, and at times give him a gentle push and courageous pep talk into the right direction. Not that I know more than he, but there are times of uncertainty when one needs to be convinced they are doing the right thing.
In the last few weeks I've grown more in love with Matthew; he has become so much more understanding, giving, and nurturing to me and the girls. He desires to obey the Lord and His Word no matter what- he trusts Him fully. He comes home and talks to me about the things he's learned about on the radio regarding family and home, which echoes the very things that I read in books and online. God is seeing that we both get the same messages through different media :)
It is exciting to know that years from now, assuming we're still here if Jesus hasn't returned yet, I will be even better than I am now. My painting will be that much more interesting and detailed; my sculpture will look more like something valuable.
I just thought I would share my epiphany with everyone- it spoke a lot to me. I must be off to bed now.
I was thinking about how different I am now than I was before marriage. I had lots of potential and was wise beyond my years- I must have been, why else would a 29 year old man marry an 18 year old? LOL
But it got me to thinking about the verse that talks about us being the clay and God is the potter that forms us. I was a very nice lump of clay- soft and pliable, easy to work with. (easy for God I mean) But I didn't have a definite form yet.
Or as in a painting, maybe the basic scene was painted, but not the details and highlights that make the picture come alive. Lots of potential, but lacking in anything really beautiful. My husband was the same way.
I believe that marriage and later children, is a means of refinement. It is in these roles that we are pushed to our limits in many areas, causing us to cleave unto the Lord and seek His ways more. For me, I didn't know at all what it meant to be a wife. The first year of marriage was lovely and sweet, but by year three, things were getting tough. That is when I finally learned some valuable things. At the time my husband knew nothing either, and only recently in the last year or two has really 'grown up' in the Lord and in our relationship.
As the days and years go by, the painting of our life becomes more defined- highlights here, touches of unexpected color there, a blending of several colors...or the clay slowly takes shape into something recognizable and hopefully, beautiful. When my dear husband and I were married, we were nice lumps of clay. We have had to let ourselves be molded and changed, and sometimes squished all back together and start over again. I am more amazed at how far we've come in such a short time as each year goes by.
The fact that I can willingly leave all that I've ever known, into 'foreign lands' (ha,ha) for the benefit of my husband, and all of us too, can only be because of what I've learned about submitting to the Father's plan. He has used me to encourage and uplift my husband, and at times give him a gentle push and courageous pep talk into the right direction. Not that I know more than he, but there are times of uncertainty when one needs to be convinced they are doing the right thing.
In the last few weeks I've grown more in love with Matthew; he has become so much more understanding, giving, and nurturing to me and the girls. He desires to obey the Lord and His Word no matter what- he trusts Him fully. He comes home and talks to me about the things he's learned about on the radio regarding family and home, which echoes the very things that I read in books and online. God is seeing that we both get the same messages through different media :)
It is exciting to know that years from now, assuming we're still here if Jesus hasn't returned yet, I will be even better than I am now. My painting will be that much more interesting and detailed; my sculpture will look more like something valuable.
I just thought I would share my epiphany with everyone- it spoke a lot to me. I must be off to bed now.
July 29, 2008
The answer
For those of you who have been reading my blog awhile, you know that I post about my struggles with balancing everything, especially in regards to my children. I am continually seeking the Lord on this and I finally got a clear answer so to say.
As a woman submitted to Christ and seeking to fulfill His purposes I must do as scripture says.
"...the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." Titus 2:4-5
When I married my husband, God's will for me was to be a wife. When I had children, God's will for me was to be a mother. These are the most important and are obviously a worthy calling. I buy into lies at times though, thinking I'm not really doing much of anything or am not important in His kingdom.
However, this morning I read this:
"Assuredly, I say to you, among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist; but he who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he." Matt 11:11
Whoever is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than John the Baptist. Pretty neat huh?
So, this is what the Holy Spirit is saying to me:
My priorities are:
1. God
2. Husband
3. Children
4. Home
5. everything else
Therefore, if I order my day in this sequence, the most important things will be attended to first. I wake up at 5:15 and spend that time with Jesus- reading the Word and praying. Then I take care of my husband- make his lunch and breakfast and help him gather all his stuff for work, and throughout the day I am praying for him. Next is the children. My goal is to focus on them in the early/mid-mornings, learning how to work around the house, go outside while it's cool, working on something they want etc. Then, the time that is left, I use to tend to the home. The afternoons during nap time is my time :)
I also take time in the evenings for my husband as well, so it's not like I just drop him after the morning :) Anyways, just thought I would share what I've learned and hopefully it will help someone else.
March 9, 2008
Doin' some Thinkin'
Some things I've been thinking about.
Lately, I've noticed lots of discussions in blog land revolving around certain Christian 'issues'. I think it's a good idea to share our points of view (obviously, since I'm sharing mine here) and have interesting and even edifying 'talks' online. Really it's wonderful for us busy moms who couldn't 'talk' in person or on the phone- we can take time to pause when we have a few minutes to 'talk' when it's convenient for us.
Still, I am rather, what's the word, disheartened? Let me explain. It seems to me like there Christians drawing divisive lines based upon our outward appearances. For instance, the recent headcovering discussions on some fairly well known websites. I read with interest, but it just bothers me to see Christians throw scriptures at each other proving the other's point. (no offense Candy, I totally agree with your post- I hope you get my drift)
Does it really matter? I mean honestly, if we are serving the Lord to the best of our ability, if we are seeking to honor and submit to our husbands and serve our families, does it really really matter if our heads are covered with veils? Or, if we do understand that our children are blessings from the Lord, but choose to limit how many we have so we can fully focus on the ones we have, is He disappointed?
"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
I think sometimes in our extreme desire to follow Jesus and completely give all to Him, we can become so focused on details and not the heart. I did for awhile. I got into some type of place of judgement about women who cut their hair and wore pants. Then the Lord sort of forced me to do an in depth study on the matter and where did it lead me? That it is the heart that matters. A woman who wears modest dresses and headcoverings, yet has pride that she is somehow 'closer to God' and looks down on others is not practicing the 'meek and quiet spirit' pleasing to God.
My friend pointed out to me once that a lot of people may be turned off by Christianity if we cause ourselves to be so different and unapproachable. I went to Walmart one day and saw a Mennonite family. No one was smiling, they were not friendly and looked uncomfortable. A non-believer more than likely wouldn't be attracted to them. Of course people are going to look at them because they are so different. Not that being different is wrong, but...
"For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more;and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law that I might win those who are under the law;o those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ, that I might win those who are without law;to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some." 1 Cor. 9:19-22
This is a key verse to me. Having gone to a highschool run by missions, I saw firsthand what this means. I saw people with dreadlocks, tattoos, piercings, 1980s' clothing and hairstyles, super conservatives, 'normal' or a mix of all the above preach the Gospel with their lives. The best teacher I ever had, the first time I met him, he had bushy blond curly hair, a button up shirt, Mickey Mouse tie, cargo pants and tennis shoes on. His signature phrase to any and everyone, instead of saying 'bye' was 'Have an awesome day with Jesus!'. He rocked my world,me, a rock solid Christian, by simply living radically for the Lord.
If we make being a Christian attractive, be it dressing in beautifully made dresses or holey jeans and purple hair, and lead others to Him, then that is what matters. Personally, I think it's important to God that our heart is right in what we wear or don't wear, but other than that, I don't think He really notices our physical bodies-He is focused on our spirit.
I'm not just speaking in regards to clothing and birth control, this division can also be present in those who do or do not homeschool, or the women who work outside of the home with God and their husband's blessing, or those who don't feel particulary led to cook from scratch healthy meals. I am so thankful that God created us all so different- we are not all the same nor will we all have the same plans or goals or visions. We are all the body of Christ with each of our own purposes and races to run. No one is better or more important than the other. Maybe an eyelash doesn't seem all that important compared to a liver, but if all the eyelashes left we'd be very uncomfortable. (maybe I'm a nose hair in the body of Christ,LOL)
I am a question asker-research-the-issue-to-death type of person, and seeking information is a good thing, but we have to remember that we have Him living in us, and He is more than able to instruct us in how we should walk with Him.
Just my thoughts.
Lately, I've noticed lots of discussions in blog land revolving around certain Christian 'issues'. I think it's a good idea to share our points of view (obviously, since I'm sharing mine here) and have interesting and even edifying 'talks' online. Really it's wonderful for us busy moms who couldn't 'talk' in person or on the phone- we can take time to pause when we have a few minutes to 'talk' when it's convenient for us.
Still, I am rather, what's the word, disheartened? Let me explain. It seems to me like there Christians drawing divisive lines based upon our outward appearances. For instance, the recent headcovering discussions on some fairly well known websites. I read with interest, but it just bothers me to see Christians throw scriptures at each other proving the other's point. (no offense Candy, I totally agree with your post- I hope you get my drift)
Does it really matter? I mean honestly, if we are serving the Lord to the best of our ability, if we are seeking to honor and submit to our husbands and serve our families, does it really really matter if our heads are covered with veils? Or, if we do understand that our children are blessings from the Lord, but choose to limit how many we have so we can fully focus on the ones we have, is He disappointed?
"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
I think sometimes in our extreme desire to follow Jesus and completely give all to Him, we can become so focused on details and not the heart. I did for awhile. I got into some type of place of judgement about women who cut their hair and wore pants. Then the Lord sort of forced me to do an in depth study on the matter and where did it lead me? That it is the heart that matters. A woman who wears modest dresses and headcoverings, yet has pride that she is somehow 'closer to God' and looks down on others is not practicing the 'meek and quiet spirit' pleasing to God.
My friend pointed out to me once that a lot of people may be turned off by Christianity if we cause ourselves to be so different and unapproachable. I went to Walmart one day and saw a Mennonite family. No one was smiling, they were not friendly and looked uncomfortable. A non-believer more than likely wouldn't be attracted to them. Of course people are going to look at them because they are so different. Not that being different is wrong, but...
"For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more;and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law that I might win those who are under the law;o those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ, that I might win those who are without law;to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some." 1 Cor. 9:19-22
This is a key verse to me. Having gone to a highschool run by missions, I saw firsthand what this means. I saw people with dreadlocks, tattoos, piercings, 1980s' clothing and hairstyles, super conservatives, 'normal' or a mix of all the above preach the Gospel with their lives. The best teacher I ever had, the first time I met him, he had bushy blond curly hair, a button up shirt, Mickey Mouse tie, cargo pants and tennis shoes on. His signature phrase to any and everyone, instead of saying 'bye' was 'Have an awesome day with Jesus!'. He rocked my world,me, a rock solid Christian, by simply living radically for the Lord.
If we make being a Christian attractive, be it dressing in beautifully made dresses or holey jeans and purple hair, and lead others to Him, then that is what matters. Personally, I think it's important to God that our heart is right in what we wear or don't wear, but other than that, I don't think He really notices our physical bodies-He is focused on our spirit.
I'm not just speaking in regards to clothing and birth control, this division can also be present in those who do or do not homeschool, or the women who work outside of the home with God and their husband's blessing, or those who don't feel particulary led to cook from scratch healthy meals. I am so thankful that God created us all so different- we are not all the same nor will we all have the same plans or goals or visions. We are all the body of Christ with each of our own purposes and races to run. No one is better or more important than the other. Maybe an eyelash doesn't seem all that important compared to a liver, but if all the eyelashes left we'd be very uncomfortable. (maybe I'm a nose hair in the body of Christ,LOL)
I am a question asker-research-the-issue-to-death type of person, and seeking information is a good thing, but we have to remember that we have Him living in us, and He is more than able to instruct us in how we should walk with Him.
Just my thoughts.
February 5, 2008
Yokes and Burdens
I got rid of yesterday's post. I find that sometimes in needing 'someone' understanding to talk to, I vent on my blog. While this isn't a bad thing, it's just not what I want to do. I feel that I tend to do that a lot. Part of the problem is I don't have friends.
Wow that was hard to say. My husband is my best friend, then next is my mom. But, to have another friend who is a young woman with a young family staying home and managing it- nope. At least not in the flesh. (well I have met Candy, but that was in the summer and we live too far away to 'see' each other regularly)
What is strange to me is that for almost five years I've been attending MOPS, and in all that time I have yet to meet someone who wants a friend. It seems I am always the one having to initiate getting together with someone or trying really, really hard to create a friendship. And all my friends that are still single are living on another planet right now- their lives are just so very different from mine, it's hard to find common ground.
What's the deal? Is it because I have a bunch of little kids? Do I talk too much, eat weird food, laugh too loud?? Am I too big? What gives? I am a social person, and unfortunately, men think that if we're in the same room we're having quality time, LOL. (dh revealed this to me the other day) So, I have the internet, and of course, the Holy Spirit. But, it's nice to have someone with skin :)
I say all of this in jest, but it's still hard to understand. For most of my life it seems that after awhile I get cast off by my 'best friends' like 'you've served your purpose now I don't need you anymore'. Thank God He won't leave me.
Because of my chosen life, and me realizing the value of such a life, of course the enemy is going to try to confuse me and stress me out. One issue is cleaning- I've been burned about that before, so it's a tender spot and I get all bent out of shape if things aren't up to the right standards, whosever they are. They certainly aren't mine as I've said before, I wasn't a great housekeeper the first few years of marriage.
As I was driving rather sleepily this morning, the Lord spoke to me about it.
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:30
I am the one that is making this so hard. Whatever unrealistic expectations I am putting on myself is what is bogging me down. I am not superwoman, I am not perfect and can never be perfect. What is so great about completing a ton of tasks each day? It's a mindset I've bought into. Yes it is good to be organized and know what to expect. Children do thrive off routine and more gets accomplished, yet as my husband keeps telling me, do the best you can but if it doesn't all get done, work on it tomorrow.
I want to be a homemaker, not a housekeeper or taskmaster. I want our home to be a haven in the midst of this crazy world for all of us. I don't want my children to be inhibited from being creative because their mom is anal about making messes. Yes they should learn to keep their messes contained and be sure to clean them up, but still, gotta lighten up.
Anyways, I know that I've been talking a lot about all of this stuff, but it's what I'm wrestling with at present. Being a wife, mother and homemaker is like being a one-man band. I have all these different instruments I'm trying to juggle and play a perfect harmony with- every once in awhile I hit some clunker notes!
Wow that was hard to say. My husband is my best friend, then next is my mom. But, to have another friend who is a young woman with a young family staying home and managing it- nope. At least not in the flesh. (well I have met Candy, but that was in the summer and we live too far away to 'see' each other regularly)
What is strange to me is that for almost five years I've been attending MOPS, and in all that time I have yet to meet someone who wants a friend. It seems I am always the one having to initiate getting together with someone or trying really, really hard to create a friendship. And all my friends that are still single are living on another planet right now- their lives are just so very different from mine, it's hard to find common ground.
What's the deal? Is it because I have a bunch of little kids? Do I talk too much, eat weird food, laugh too loud?? Am I too big? What gives? I am a social person, and unfortunately, men think that if we're in the same room we're having quality time, LOL. (dh revealed this to me the other day) So, I have the internet, and of course, the Holy Spirit. But, it's nice to have someone with skin :)
I say all of this in jest, but it's still hard to understand. For most of my life it seems that after awhile I get cast off by my 'best friends' like 'you've served your purpose now I don't need you anymore'. Thank God He won't leave me.
Because of my chosen life, and me realizing the value of such a life, of course the enemy is going to try to confuse me and stress me out. One issue is cleaning- I've been burned about that before, so it's a tender spot and I get all bent out of shape if things aren't up to the right standards, whosever they are. They certainly aren't mine as I've said before, I wasn't a great housekeeper the first few years of marriage.
As I was driving rather sleepily this morning, the Lord spoke to me about it.
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:30
I am the one that is making this so hard. Whatever unrealistic expectations I am putting on myself is what is bogging me down. I am not superwoman, I am not perfect and can never be perfect. What is so great about completing a ton of tasks each day? It's a mindset I've bought into. Yes it is good to be organized and know what to expect. Children do thrive off routine and more gets accomplished, yet as my husband keeps telling me, do the best you can but if it doesn't all get done, work on it tomorrow.
I want to be a homemaker, not a housekeeper or taskmaster. I want our home to be a haven in the midst of this crazy world for all of us. I don't want my children to be inhibited from being creative because their mom is anal about making messes. Yes they should learn to keep their messes contained and be sure to clean them up, but still, gotta lighten up.
Anyways, I know that I've been talking a lot about all of this stuff, but it's what I'm wrestling with at present. Being a wife, mother and homemaker is like being a one-man band. I have all these different instruments I'm trying to juggle and play a perfect harmony with- every once in awhile I hit some clunker notes!
January 31, 2008
Smudges on the wall
For the past few years I've been striving for this goal, which I thought was really important. I mean, other people told me it was important, so I figured it was. But yesterday as I noticed a smudge of some kind of food hardened on the wall of our cupboards, it donned on me that a perfectly clean and organized home isn't all that great.
I mean, the pictures you see in magazines or room 're-dos' on TV shows DO look beautiful. But it lacks one big thing-LIFE! Then I thought, why am I trying to make our home look as if there are no children in it? What am I trying to prove- is being a perfect housekeeper really a realistic goal?
See, I have a friend who keeps an absolutely spotless house. It blows my mind because she has a 10 year old and a 2.5 year old and it just seems so effortless for her. However, I don't see all the work that is involved with it. But I'm not her, and my family isn't her family, so I shouldn't be comparing myself with her. I know I wouldn't want her to compare herself with me.
So, I realize now that stickies on the chairs, smudges on the door facings, scattered pieces of a dollhouse and a trail of dry cereal on the floor isn't a catastrophe anymore. They are signs of life- of little lives that are sweet and innocent and precious. I'm actually thankful now that I have messes to clean up, for how empty a perfectly kept home would be without these little ones, and I know I would wish I could clean up their messes if I were childless.
I mean, the pictures you see in magazines or room 're-dos' on TV shows DO look beautiful. But it lacks one big thing-LIFE! Then I thought, why am I trying to make our home look as if there are no children in it? What am I trying to prove- is being a perfect housekeeper really a realistic goal?
See, I have a friend who keeps an absolutely spotless house. It blows my mind because she has a 10 year old and a 2.5 year old and it just seems so effortless for her. However, I don't see all the work that is involved with it. But I'm not her, and my family isn't her family, so I shouldn't be comparing myself with her. I know I wouldn't want her to compare herself with me.
So, I realize now that stickies on the chairs, smudges on the door facings, scattered pieces of a dollhouse and a trail of dry cereal on the floor isn't a catastrophe anymore. They are signs of life- of little lives that are sweet and innocent and precious. I'm actually thankful now that I have messes to clean up, for how empty a perfectly kept home would be without these little ones, and I know I would wish I could clean up their messes if I were childless.
January 2, 2008
Being the Best
Every day, I go through this struggle. It seems that somehow I picked up the notion that I must always strive to be the best at everything. I didn't have a high self esteem as a kid, so I guess I related being the best at something as making me worth more. As a child, I wasn't really the best at anything, but I did make straight A's, was talented with drawing and art and writing. As I got older I pushed harder to make the best grades I could in all subjects, be it chemistry and calculus or choir, I was going to make an A. And I did, but, maybe I developed an unhealthy desire to be the best??
Until I had Alexa, I didn't normally second guess myself. I had confidence that I could make intelligent and wise decisions. I didn't really worry about being a good wife, I mean I did think about it and tried, but I wasn't doubting Matt's love for me or anything. I pretty much felt I could do anything I wanted, because I had tried so many different things and excelled, so I wasn't afraid to embark on new adventures.
Then I got pregnant. Then I became a mother. Then I became a mother two times...three times...
Even with Leiah, our firstborn, I didn't struggle that much. I did research and seek out the best way I knew how to take care of her, but I felt confident in what we were doing. But now, I am constantly worrying if I am doing things 'right'. Why, oh why am I doing this?? Why is there this driving need to be perfect? To have the perfect body, raise the perfect children, keep a perfect house, the perfect marriage...? What is the deal?
I know that I can't be perfect, I'm human, so why do I keep buying into the idea that perfection is attainable? Why do I keep comparing myself to other moms? I DON'T KNOW!!!! I need to get over it, but it is so hard.
I will admit, pretty much my biggest fear is the fear of failure. Especially failure as a mom. I guess I'm just afraid of blowing it with my daughters. Everyday, I weary myself telling them the same things over and over and over, repeating again and again..."Don't do that. Stop. Get off the coffee table. Don't take toys away from your sister. Quite squealing. Don't stand in the chairs. Don't stand on the stove. Get off the coffee table. No drinks in the living room. Alexa!!! Quit playing in the bathroom. Don't bite the dog. Pick up the toys...pick up the toys...Now. Look into my eyes, Listen to me. Did you hear what I just said? What did I just say? Don't stand on the couch."
Maybe some will think that I don't watch my children or 'tomato stake' them. I freely admit I am not 100% consistent. It is very hard to do that over long periods of time. I have not stuck with scheduling every moment of their day and keeping them separated. With the holidays and all, what was the point? Our 'schedules' were different everyday. How about I'm just plain ole tired from all the hoopla and lack of sleep?
Am I a bad mom if I let my children watch a lot of TV one day? Am I a bad mom if I yell? I don't want to do these things, but in the above paragraph you can see that after several repeats of it, things get a little tense and sometimes the voice gets louder. No one else has walked in my shoes or is in my current situation, so why should I feel guilty for not doing things someone else's way?
Again, I'm talking to myself. Yes, I need to spend more time playing with my girls. I need to spend more time training them how to do things around the house, how to sit still, and to obey the first time. I need to smother them with love, which I have not been doing. I also have a special child that needs a lot more one on one than she's been getting.
So, can I do all of the above while maintaining a clean house, keeping my kitchen lab going, buying frugally, exercising and some sewing? I don't know yet. Most importantly, can I do all of that and be faithful to have time with God? My true worth, my intrinsic value is found in Christ alone. Apart from Him I am nothing and can do nothing good. I have not 'arrived' yet, or finished the race, therefore I am a work in progress and need grace. Lots of grace...maybe that's why God led us to naming our middle daughter, the challenging one, Alexa Grace. LOL.
It's hard to keep my focus on Him and what He thinks of me, which I know that my worth is far more than I think- I'm costly enough that Someone else shed His blood for me. I shouldn't ever feel that I'm not special or loved or worthy, although I do have times when I feel that way.
I know that I am not a bad mom, I'm a human one, with three little girls all competing for my attention. They are childish and don't think the way I do about things. I know I don't remember a thing about how clean our home was except that Saturday was cleaning day. I don't recall my parents reading books to me, or reading the Bible to me. But I always felt loved and secure, and had a hunger for the Word. I knew I was valuable to them and I had a happy childhood, thankfully a Christian one too. So, if I am taking all the time I can to invest in my own children, surely I will do something right.
"For I am crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me."
Dying to self, each and everyday, to serve and give my life to Him and my family, it's a struggle at times. My flesh rears it's head up quite a bit, shouting it's not fair and that I can't do it. Thankfully I have the Greater One living in me, to help keep me from totally succumbing to the monster, and get back on the narrow path.
I guess all that matters, is that I am doing my best with what God has given me, with a right heart. If I mess up, it's ok as long as I realize it, and give it another try.
Until I had Alexa, I didn't normally second guess myself. I had confidence that I could make intelligent and wise decisions. I didn't really worry about being a good wife, I mean I did think about it and tried, but I wasn't doubting Matt's love for me or anything. I pretty much felt I could do anything I wanted, because I had tried so many different things and excelled, so I wasn't afraid to embark on new adventures.
Then I got pregnant. Then I became a mother. Then I became a mother two times...three times...
Even with Leiah, our firstborn, I didn't struggle that much. I did research and seek out the best way I knew how to take care of her, but I felt confident in what we were doing. But now, I am constantly worrying if I am doing things 'right'. Why, oh why am I doing this?? Why is there this driving need to be perfect? To have the perfect body, raise the perfect children, keep a perfect house, the perfect marriage...? What is the deal?
I know that I can't be perfect, I'm human, so why do I keep buying into the idea that perfection is attainable? Why do I keep comparing myself to other moms? I DON'T KNOW!!!! I need to get over it, but it is so hard.
I will admit, pretty much my biggest fear is the fear of failure. Especially failure as a mom. I guess I'm just afraid of blowing it with my daughters. Everyday, I weary myself telling them the same things over and over and over, repeating again and again..."Don't do that. Stop. Get off the coffee table. Don't take toys away from your sister. Quite squealing. Don't stand in the chairs. Don't stand on the stove. Get off the coffee table. No drinks in the living room. Alexa!!! Quit playing in the bathroom. Don't bite the dog. Pick up the toys...pick up the toys...Now. Look into my eyes, Listen to me. Did you hear what I just said? What did I just say? Don't stand on the couch."
Maybe some will think that I don't watch my children or 'tomato stake' them. I freely admit I am not 100% consistent. It is very hard to do that over long periods of time. I have not stuck with scheduling every moment of their day and keeping them separated. With the holidays and all, what was the point? Our 'schedules' were different everyday. How about I'm just plain ole tired from all the hoopla and lack of sleep?
Am I a bad mom if I let my children watch a lot of TV one day? Am I a bad mom if I yell? I don't want to do these things, but in the above paragraph you can see that after several repeats of it, things get a little tense and sometimes the voice gets louder. No one else has walked in my shoes or is in my current situation, so why should I feel guilty for not doing things someone else's way?
Again, I'm talking to myself. Yes, I need to spend more time playing with my girls. I need to spend more time training them how to do things around the house, how to sit still, and to obey the first time. I need to smother them with love, which I have not been doing. I also have a special child that needs a lot more one on one than she's been getting.
So, can I do all of the above while maintaining a clean house, keeping my kitchen lab going, buying frugally, exercising and some sewing? I don't know yet. Most importantly, can I do all of that and be faithful to have time with God? My true worth, my intrinsic value is found in Christ alone. Apart from Him I am nothing and can do nothing good. I have not 'arrived' yet, or finished the race, therefore I am a work in progress and need grace. Lots of grace...maybe that's why God led us to naming our middle daughter, the challenging one, Alexa Grace. LOL.
It's hard to keep my focus on Him and what He thinks of me, which I know that my worth is far more than I think- I'm costly enough that Someone else shed His blood for me. I shouldn't ever feel that I'm not special or loved or worthy, although I do have times when I feel that way.
I know that I am not a bad mom, I'm a human one, with three little girls all competing for my attention. They are childish and don't think the way I do about things. I know I don't remember a thing about how clean our home was except that Saturday was cleaning day. I don't recall my parents reading books to me, or reading the Bible to me. But I always felt loved and secure, and had a hunger for the Word. I knew I was valuable to them and I had a happy childhood, thankfully a Christian one too. So, if I am taking all the time I can to invest in my own children, surely I will do something right.
"For I am crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me."
Dying to self, each and everyday, to serve and give my life to Him and my family, it's a struggle at times. My flesh rears it's head up quite a bit, shouting it's not fair and that I can't do it. Thankfully I have the Greater One living in me, to help keep me from totally succumbing to the monster, and get back on the narrow path.
I guess all that matters, is that I am doing my best with what God has given me, with a right heart. If I mess up, it's ok as long as I realize it, and give it another try.
September 10, 2007
This morning I got up early to see my husband off to his work trip. Since I got an early start I had time to watch a program called Believer's Voice of Victory by Kenneth Copeland and his wife. I grew up listening to and watching him and what he says is definitely trustworthy as it's the Word of God. This week is their 40th anniversary since the ministry started and their kids are hosting the show, talking about the beginnings of the ministry and what life was like growing up.
It didn't seem like much and wasn't very gripping, but as they talked I thought how awesome it must before for Kenneth and Gloria Copeland to see their children- all of them- sitting their proclaiming God's truth and recalling all the memories of their life as young children in the Evangelical ministry. Tears just started falling because I so dream for my girls to be strong and confident in His Word and in a Walk with the Lord. In my mind envisioning my girls talking about their parents and how they were raised for Jesus just brought such deep emotions and unexpected tears.
Sometimes it seems like we just aren't doing much for the Lord. We aren't in a major world ministry like the Copelands. We aren't pastors or missionaries. My husband is the worship leader and I the piano/backup singer- but our church usually has like 30 people in it, most of which are kids under age 5. It's not like we're anything special other than having some musical ability. Even then God blesses us because we never have time to practice- we arrive and go! I get so busy looking at the things I don't do and the things I've messed up on that I can't see anything I'm doing right.
Awhile back I was struggling and a dear sister in our church that is so sensitive to the Holy Spirit felt I was struggling. She gave me a hug and the Spirit gave her a word for me- that I was pleasing in God's sight, that He was pleased with all my efforts and my heart. I have to make myself recall that often.
But, I know that we are where we are because this is God's plan and purpose for us. Only a few are to be world evangelists, which is fine with me :) That's not my heart's desire at this point.
I have come to the knowledge that loving and caring for my husband and children is a ministry unto itself, and a worthy one. So many Christian homes are not treated the same as a special ministry, I aim to make a difference in our home. I am able to extend hospitality to others because I am home and have more time to do so than if I were in the midst of a large ministry. There are so many blessings about being a homemaker, and I truly am enjoying living it.
If you are interested in Kennthe Copeland and his ministries go to www.kcm.org
You can actually watch the shows on there as well. They also send out a free monthly magazine which is truly wonderful.They are such warm and friendly people and always have something from the Lord. I hope you are blessed by their ministry as much as I.
It didn't seem like much and wasn't very gripping, but as they talked I thought how awesome it must before for Kenneth and Gloria Copeland to see their children- all of them- sitting their proclaiming God's truth and recalling all the memories of their life as young children in the Evangelical ministry. Tears just started falling because I so dream for my girls to be strong and confident in His Word and in a Walk with the Lord. In my mind envisioning my girls talking about their parents and how they were raised for Jesus just brought such deep emotions and unexpected tears.
Sometimes it seems like we just aren't doing much for the Lord. We aren't in a major world ministry like the Copelands. We aren't pastors or missionaries. My husband is the worship leader and I the piano/backup singer- but our church usually has like 30 people in it, most of which are kids under age 5. It's not like we're anything special other than having some musical ability. Even then God blesses us because we never have time to practice- we arrive and go! I get so busy looking at the things I don't do and the things I've messed up on that I can't see anything I'm doing right.
Awhile back I was struggling and a dear sister in our church that is so sensitive to the Holy Spirit felt I was struggling. She gave me a hug and the Spirit gave her a word for me- that I was pleasing in God's sight, that He was pleased with all my efforts and my heart. I have to make myself recall that often.
But, I know that we are where we are because this is God's plan and purpose for us. Only a few are to be world evangelists, which is fine with me :) That's not my heart's desire at this point.
I have come to the knowledge that loving and caring for my husband and children is a ministry unto itself, and a worthy one. So many Christian homes are not treated the same as a special ministry, I aim to make a difference in our home. I am able to extend hospitality to others because I am home and have more time to do so than if I were in the midst of a large ministry. There are so many blessings about being a homemaker, and I truly am enjoying living it.
If you are interested in Kennthe Copeland and his ministries go to www.kcm.org
You can actually watch the shows on there as well. They also send out a free monthly magazine which is truly wonderful.They are such warm and friendly people and always have something from the Lord. I hope you are blessed by their ministry as much as I.
July 24, 2007
A bad day that turned out good
Well, I thought yesterday was difficult.
Today started out pretty well, until I decided to do some more searching and calling for vacation rentals (affordable ones, ha,ha). The kids went berserk then. Tuesday is my day to do the bulk of my cleaning, since I have to take my oldest daughter to speech therapy on Monday and Wednesday in the middle of the day. I also had a friend who has never been to our new house before coming for dinner and to visit this evening, so I had a special meal to prepare.
I tried to get my kids working on different activities while I did my cleaning, but they just cried for one reason or another. They have all sorts of cool things to play with, but I guess they're bored with them or something since they would rather peel wallpaper off the wall or climb on the wood stove. ???? I yelled. A lot. I'm not a loud yelling-type person either. I just got real frustrated.
So, after trying to get things done for a couple of hours, and after firing off a few emails to my new friend Vicki (thirdtimama) I decided to chill. So what if my toilets didn't get scrubbed or if the kitchen floor wasn't spotless? I went to the kitchen and made lunch, fish sticks and french fries-healthy! I figured if they were eating then they'd be busy. I started preparing our evening meal. (lasagna, salad, homemade garlic bread, lemon-butter broccoli, Tirimisu cheesecake) Then because they were a mess ( I let them sample the cheesecake) we put on swim suits and they played in their pool and sandbox while I cleaned up the patio and hung out laundry. We had a good time. Afterwards I finished meal prep while they watched Sesame Street, then they had naps.
My whole attitude shifted- someone was praying for me because everything became nice and calm and happy again. Maybe I had a dip in hormones this morning, LOL! What annoyed and angered me before was only a slight bother. I didn't yell anymore. I am so thankful and blessed that I know the Lord and have His Spirit living in me. What a terrible sight I would be without Him.
And, after I rested a bit and did more online searching, I made myself look presentable (I had been wearing some grungy clothes) in a nice dress, earrings, makeup and fixed hair, cleaned the toilets, tub and sinks, put away all the laundry, finished tidying the kitchen and meal prep, got my girls prettied up and had time for them to help me finish our meal. Everyone was pleasant and happy. Wow.
It all got done anyhow, with a good attitude. By the grace of God! Thank you too Vicki!
P.S. I am planning to do more posting besides on my crazy days. I am planning to do one of my binder and possibly a 'Week in Feminine Dress'. Not sure how to take pictures of myself since my camera doesn't have a timer.
Today started out pretty well, until I decided to do some more searching and calling for vacation rentals (affordable ones, ha,ha). The kids went berserk then. Tuesday is my day to do the bulk of my cleaning, since I have to take my oldest daughter to speech therapy on Monday and Wednesday in the middle of the day. I also had a friend who has never been to our new house before coming for dinner and to visit this evening, so I had a special meal to prepare.
I tried to get my kids working on different activities while I did my cleaning, but they just cried for one reason or another. They have all sorts of cool things to play with, but I guess they're bored with them or something since they would rather peel wallpaper off the wall or climb on the wood stove. ???? I yelled. A lot. I'm not a loud yelling-type person either. I just got real frustrated.
So, after trying to get things done for a couple of hours, and after firing off a few emails to my new friend Vicki (thirdtimama) I decided to chill. So what if my toilets didn't get scrubbed or if the kitchen floor wasn't spotless? I went to the kitchen and made lunch, fish sticks and french fries-healthy! I figured if they were eating then they'd be busy. I started preparing our evening meal. (lasagna, salad, homemade garlic bread, lemon-butter broccoli, Tirimisu cheesecake) Then because they were a mess ( I let them sample the cheesecake) we put on swim suits and they played in their pool and sandbox while I cleaned up the patio and hung out laundry. We had a good time. Afterwards I finished meal prep while they watched Sesame Street, then they had naps.
My whole attitude shifted- someone was praying for me because everything became nice and calm and happy again. Maybe I had a dip in hormones this morning, LOL! What annoyed and angered me before was only a slight bother. I didn't yell anymore. I am so thankful and blessed that I know the Lord and have His Spirit living in me. What a terrible sight I would be without Him.
And, after I rested a bit and did more online searching, I made myself look presentable (I had been wearing some grungy clothes) in a nice dress, earrings, makeup and fixed hair, cleaned the toilets, tub and sinks, put away all the laundry, finished tidying the kitchen and meal prep, got my girls prettied up and had time for them to help me finish our meal. Everyone was pleasant and happy. Wow.
It all got done anyhow, with a good attitude. By the grace of God! Thank you too Vicki!
P.S. I am planning to do more posting besides on my crazy days. I am planning to do one of my binder and possibly a 'Week in Feminine Dress'. Not sure how to take pictures of myself since my camera doesn't have a timer.
July 19, 2007
My story of becoming a homemaker
Long ago, I was a typical little girl. I loved playing with my baby dolls, tea party set, Barbies and dress up. I dreamed of having 10 kids of my own someday and played 'house' all the time. I never had a pretend husband, didn't have much use for him, LOL. I am almost embarrassed to admit this, but I played with my dolls up until I was 13 or 14 years old, and I still had coloring books I colored in regularly when I was older :)
I loved school and playing school and so believed that I would one day also be a teacher. How I planned to mesh these two things together I didn't know, but it wasn't a concern for me then. Somewhere between junior high and highschool I bought into the idea that I needed a career and to make something of myself. I was a very tough, I can do-anything-a-man-can type of girl, mainly because I was taller and bigger than all the boys, and even they would tell me things like "you should try out for football" or "How's the weather up there?" I even did some testing with the Marine Corps as I was considering joining. (I had been watching G.I. Jane)
It bothered me though I laughed. I didn't want to stick out, I wanted to blend in with the other littler pretty girls that they liked. I had lots of fun guy friends, we were equal I suppose. For some reason I thought that the smarter and tougher I was, the more respected and liked I would be. I wouldn't even carry a purse because I felt I would look girly. Now, I did have very long curly hair, wore make-up, and was generally a quiet type person on the outside. So it's not like I looked or acted like a guy, at least not in extreme. And I did wear dresses to church and sometimes at school. (when nothing else was clean) I just felt I had to prove myself.
So, I set my sights on something great. A chemistry teacher, a doctor, a scientist, one of those things. I went to an awesome missionary-taught highschool called Christian Heritage. ( if you've ever heard of YWAM- Youth With A Mission) I had thought of becoming part of the ministry and doing a discipleship training school (DTS) instead of college, but my dad was less than pleased with that idea. So off to college I went.
I hated it. Never before in my life had I felt so little drive to make that A+. Because of an inaccurate test, I was placed in remedial reading and math, even though my senior year in highschool I made an A in all my classes, including calculus, physics, literature that I wrote some 100 essays for, all A's!!! I couldn't remember how to do 5th grade math after calculus, so I was placed in a remedial class. I would skip several classes and still make an A. I had to take another test mid-semester to test out of those classes and thankfully I did. I just didn't feel that I was in the right place.
One day while driving home from school I was praying, out loud. I said, "God, if you want me to go into DTS and become a missionary to a foreign place, I will do it. I know it might be hard, but if it's where you want me to be, I'll do it."
Then I said, "Lord, if you want me to stay in school and become a doctor, I know it would be really hard, but You would help me if that's what I'm supposed to do."
A few minutes passed, and I kind of chuckled and said,"And if you just want me to get married and have babies then I guess I'll do that."
BAM! I immediately felt in my spirit that God said " Ok." Like, He was waiting for me to be willing. Right after that my future husband and I started getting to know each other. At the time I just thought "hmm" and put it on the back burner of my mind.
Well, about 6 months later I was married, less than a year since I had graduated from highschool. Before I graduated I distinctly remember saying this, "I think it is so stupid for girls to get married right out of highschool. " I et my words, huh.
And I was right where I was supposed to be. It wasn't until about three years into our marriage that I learned about being a homemaker. My whole world changed. Why didn't anyone tell me this stuff before? I happened onto www.ladiesagaintsfeminism.com and that's where it all started. I learned about modest dress, my role as a homemaker, my role as a helpmeet to my husband and about training up godly children. It has been a process these three years since the first 'paradigm shift', but I am amazed at how far I've come. And I feel freedom in knowing I'm doing exactly what God wants me to.
I do above and beyond now with three children than I did when it was just Matt and I. We would wade into the laundry room to find our clothes. The dishes got done every few days. I did cook and grocery shop, and I did work outside the home, but still, I was so ignorant. Oh, how I wish I would have known these things before we got married. But, God has perfect timing.
Life is far from perfect. I still have moments when I feel insignificant and like nothing I do is amounting to anything eternal, even though I know it's not true. I have 'rebellious' feelings at times- wanting to run away from it all when things get crazy. I am human, but I honestly can't think of anything I would rather be doing. On the rare occasion I'm home alone, I don't know what to do with myself. It's as if I can't think clearly about what I could or should do. Things don't feel right.
But I am ever so thankful that God has shown me these things now, that I might serve my husband in the way he needs me to, raise my daughters in this knowledge, that home is a wonderful and productive place, and help other women to know what their purpose and role is in life, almost like 'spreading the Good news' in a sense.
Anyways, that's my story of how I came to be a keeper at home. What's yours?
June 19, 2007
Failure
Some days are just a bit more challenging than others. Yesterday went unusually well- I had all the laundry done, all the other cleaning done, we did some 'school' with my preschoolers, had some outside fun and ended it with a BBQ at the park with Daddy. Things were great.Today, well, I could hardly drag myself out of bed...the kids were grouchy because they went to bed very late last night, and the baby is battling fever. I felt quite foggy in my brain, but I still managed to get most of things done I needed to.
Then, while I was making bread, I noticed my oldest girls were giggling a lot. They were supposed to be looking at books, however, my middle child snooped through the desk and found a yellow highlighter and a permanent marker. They were taking turns marking on themselves, face, arms , feet and book. They looked like natives ready for battle. Thank goodness they didn't start marking the couch. There was some major disciplining for that one.
Then it was nap time. Overall the girls have been a handful today, more so than usual, and I've not been as loving and patient as I'd like to be, meaning the voice got raised and lots of corner time. I start comparing myself to other moms and then start to feel like I've just totally failed. This is the worst thing in the world to me, to fail at something. My biggest fear- failure. That I couldn't handle the job, didn't measure up, wasn't smart enough or competent to not only pass, but to make the A+. I was always the A student and went the extra mile to get those extra points. To have been below that would have been humiliation, because I knew I was capable of being the best. I guess it's carried over into my mothering and homemaking as well. To be the best at everything.
Dumb, I know, certainly not practical, and not a healthy way to view one's self. Sometimes the only way to learn is make mistakes.
Well, I am learning. I forget that I'm only human, and that God does promise to forgive us 7 times 70 everyday! Maybe Alexa's middle name is Grace because she and I were both going to need a lot of it! Meanwhile, I'm going to take a more serious approach to child training in the coming weeks...
June 14, 2007
What's the Purpose?
The Girl I used to be
She came tonight as I sat alone
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully;
Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?
Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?
And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.
So gently rising I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet and fair.
And I told her that these are my only gems,
and precious they are to me;
That the silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.
And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go
And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman I am now
Pleased the girl I used to be
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully;
Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?
Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?
And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.
So gently rising I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet and fair.
And I told her that these are my only gems,
and precious they are to me;
That the silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.
And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go
And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman I am now
Pleased the girl I used to be
Author: Rowena K. Lewis
Copyright March 9, 1997
The first time I read this poem, I was very touched. It described exactly how I was feeling at the moment. When I was a little girl, all I dreamed of doing was being a mom to MANY children. Of course, this was before I understood how the babies got here, and wasn't really interested in having a husband and didn't know anything about bills and such. As I grew, I bought into the idea that I need a career, to do something with my life. Mostly I wanted to teach, or be a Christian counselor, but in highschool I fell in love with chemistry and calculus and wanted to go that route.
I forgot my dreams of being a wife and mother, or at least envisioned as second to my all important career that would change the world. I went to college and found I didn't fit the mold at all. I was not happy, and wanted to go into 'full time ministry' with Youth With A Mission. (YWAM- their main base is here where I live)
God had other plans.
I distinctly remember saying "I think it is so stupid for girls to get married right out of highschool." Boy did I eat my words! During the fall of my first semester of college, a man I had known for at least 10 years decided to pay me some attention. He had become a friend of my family and we also went to church with him. (he is the music leader there) We were engaged on New Year's Eve and were married April 21, 2001- LESS than a year since I had graduated. HA,HA, does God have a sense of humor! Not the path I had chosen for myself, but it was God's, and it was good.
I now have the babies I so desired as a child, but it's not quite what I thought it would be. Simply put, it is HARD! We do have special circumstances that make it more difficult. My oldest had problems in utero and we had an emergency c-section and she continues to have developmental delays. More on that later. Our second daughter was born 11 months after the first. We had a miscarriage after that, then our third daughter was born the next year. All by c-section.Four pregnancies in 3 years, and did we get comments! So, we have a lot going on. It is hard to see the big picture and it's easy to feel overwhelmed and pity for myself.
God entered me in a different kind of school. I have learned far more than I ever thought possible since I married and had little ones. Things I probably wouldn't have learned had I gone my way. I have become much less selfish, and have learned to die to my own desires, sometimes not so willingly. My husband and I have been refined in the fire, through all the trials we've dealt with our oldest and my close pregnancies etc. I am so thankful for all I've learned, now. I wasn't at the time I was going through it.
Thank you Lord that You created me with a specific purpose in mind. Even when I feel insignificant and that I'm not making a difference, I know that I am right where I'm supposed to be, and that You are in control.
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