A Family Fun Day

What strange weather we have had. Rainy and cool. In August. In Texas...I mean, we did pray for the rain, we just didn't expect it to last so long. Two weeks.

Sooooo, this has cramped my husband's plan for his vacation majorly. Yesterday we HAD to get out of the house, so we went to the city to the Discovery Science Place. It's really really neat and only $5 per person. (Sarah was free) My husband loves science and is very intelligent in that area and the activities were lots of fun for the girls too. We were there from 2pm-4:30pm or so and then we ate dinner at a pizza place that had more games. We didn't get home till after 7pm.

This was my favorite. Basically you just throw nuts and bolts and washer onto those magnets. Me and the girls hung out there quite a bit.

One side of the place was dedicated as a miniature town and local businesses had sponsored the different areas. So, there was a local play bank, a play Brookshires (grocery store), and play hospital, vet, dairy, fire department etc. Plus, these businesses had donated real equipment for them to play on, such as uniforms, a live ambulance to play in, and the girls loved the hospital nursery area- the babies.

That one is my favorite.

Yea, sand...

In the 'fire truck'.

Silly kids...


Here is the little grocery store. My husband works for this company in the computer department, but at the real stores :)

Ok, I gotta get some bread shaped in the pans. I am using the bread machine today because I don't have enough flour and buttermilk for sourdough bread- my brain has all scattered! I also have laundry to hang up and take down and more sunbonnets to cut out!!!

Retraining

Since my post on my heart change towards my children, I've said I'm doing better but I haven't gone into the details of what exactly I am doing. It seems that a lot of us mothers struggle in this area, as it is so easy to let them do what they want and many of us did not have 'mom training'. We are learning by experience, on the job training.

A dear sweet lady has been 'mentoring' me, with some tough love. She is Mrs. Klause from Clothed with Scarlet. Go visit her :) I wrote a simple question how she organizes her day with her three little girls and how I can better train my children, and she began a series of emails that dug down to the core of my problem. God must have put a burden on her heart for me because I was so not expecting all the time and effort she gave to me. Thanks so much again.

So, the main thing I've been doing is keeping all of them with me as much as possible. I am not perfect in this, but I'm learning. So, instead of me running around getting the kitchen spotless after meals, I give them little jobs to do. Such as, Leiah and Alexa, ages 5.5 and 4.5 are able to bring their dishes to the sink and wipe down their 'spot' at the table and their chair. They can put things in the refrigerator, spot clean the floor, use the dust buster, hand wash some dishes etc. Then, we all go to the bedrooms and get dressed, make beds, tidy rooms then we all go to the bathroom and brush teeth and hair and clean up the bathroom, then we all go to my bedroom and make the bed, I finish tidying it up and getting myself ready etc.

For instance, this morning, after everyone got dressed and all that, I put Sarah in the highchair to eat breakfast, Alexa moved all of the videos to our shelves and arranged them by herself and Leiah stayed in the kitchen with me while I cleaned up breakfast. It worked very well- surprise! Then I vacuumed the living room quickly and got them busy with some coloring books while I made a menu and grocery list. Then things got hectic with a phone call, me trying to get a diaper changed and shoes on everyone and trying to get out the door. We went grocery shopping and that was not fun. These girls!!! They always act so terrible when I'm out- at least 80% of the time.

Things went downhill after that- Alexa and Sarah had an attitude, I was tired after all of that, the refrigerator is leaking etc. etc. Now everyone is down for naps, so hopefully we'll get refreshed and be nice again :)

While they are resting I need to finish some laundry, make some tea, make some bread and dessert and work on revamping my schedules. That way I'll be better able to guide them into what I'm doing without feeling behind and rushed. At least that's the plan. I'll do all of that after I rest a few minutes- hopefully I won't totally fall asleep :)

It's a bit harder to include them in everything, but it's getting easier. One day at a time :)

Changing courses

Recently I had an eye opening moment. About myself, and it wasn't a good thing.

I'm being honest and truthful because I want people to understand that I am not perfect at all. I am human and do not know it all. But, to put it bluntly, I've been a bad mother. On the outside it may not seem that way, but on the inside of my heart, it was.

What has been the problem? Well, selfishness I guess. Allowing myself to fall into the trap of being the 'martyr' and not wanting to die to myself. When I was just out of highschool I had high goals. To take up my cross and follow Jesus into a foreign land and live in reduced conditions, well, that was noble. To work my heart out to be a doctor or teacher for the Lord and His purposes, that was worthy to sacrifice myself.

But to just get married and have some babies? What is so special about that? Yet, the Lord specifically told me that was what I was meant to do. So, I fell completely in love and the rest is history. But, all my years in school taught me nothing of how to be a wife or homemaker or raise Godly children. I had lots and lots of head knowledge; I had lots of experience in missions and intercession and diving into 'ministry' work.

But all I could cook was scrambled eggs and spaghetti. I didn't even know how to properly hand wash dishes. How sad is that? My mom just didn't feel led to teach me- she probably forgot that I didn't know those things or that if I wanted to know I would ask. Oh, I could bake cookies from scratch, but that's it. My story is probably that of most women who now find themselves with several small children and want to be a homemaker.

Anyways, as time went on in our marriage, I learned, but I still didn't know what my role was. I didn't know about wifely submission. So, and I hope my mother-in-law will not take offense to what I am going to say here, I have forgiven her, but this is how things got messed up. One day I received an email rebuking me for not keeping our home clean, for not taking good care of my husband etc. At the time I had my oldest two girls, ages 20 months and 9 months. I was caring for them, doing laundry and cooking good meals. I was doing my best, or so I thought. I was very hurt by this and was even more so when my husband agreed with her. So, many months later I was doing some searching and came across Ladies Against Feminism. I suddenly began to understand where I went wrong. I began making things right, slowly, over time. I was a much better wife and home keeper. I was able to accomplish so much more and took good care of dh. But, what happened to the children?

Over time, as I focused on those areas, my little girls were pushed out of the way. Leiah is special needs and Alexa is strong willed and loves attention. They got into all kinds of mischief while I was busy scrubbing every nook and cranny of the house! Then I got pregnant again and was tired and nauseous etc. and then we moved...I hardly ever just played with them. I went about my own business, while they ran wild. Don't get me wrong, I took care of them, I just didn't teach them much.

When Sarah was a newborn I got another email, this one much more hurtful than the first. Somehow my in-laws got me all wrong and thought I was the one leading in our marriage and telling my husband what to do, my house was filthy etc. This time my husband did defend me, but I was still so scarred. I began to think that if my house wasn't spotless then my husband would be disappointed and not love me. It was all about perfection- perfect house and wife, but what about the children?

They were far from perfect. Had I taken a few weeks to crack down on Alexa, we might be in a much better place now. But, no, had to keep everything spotless and perfect meals.

Soooo, this is long I know, I realized our family dynamic is not what I want for it to be. My girls don't listen very well, disobey me a lot, I yell, they fight a lot, one of them has sticky fingers and threw a bad temper tantrum at the store last week. I whine and cry to dh, which in turn has made him less than happy to see me...,big mess.

A sweet lady has been teaching me about what it really means to be a mother and wife. As I have seen my children's behavior reflect my behavior, I realize how truly sinful we can be, and how awful it is to God. They are a reflection of my heart. I keep holding onto me and my desires. I don't want to be hidden away; I don't want to fade in the background. To die daily and give completely of myself always is more than I can bear. To be humble and longsuffering; always loving even if I'm hurt- this I CANNOT DO !!!! But, that is where He comes in.

My heart was broken when I finally realized it was my own selfishness that made things the way they were. It was my own heart that was wrong. Though I thought I was giving and selfless, I was lying to myself. I so resisted having to give up everything of myself to this point. But I finally let go. Lord mold me into Your image- I am the clay, You are the potter. Though it may hurt, let me do only what You desire.

That's what I was prepared to do in any other vocation, so why not this? Because there is an evil one who knows that strong Christian families are the Lord's army. He must tear us apart because the time is short- he is angry because he is hellbound soon.

Last night my husband and I had a discussion- a very tearful and painful one, each rebuking the other. Yes it was arguing, but we did it quietly and calmly even with the children present so it didn't appear we were mad :) So my heart was broken again, realizing that I have the power to make or break my family, kids and marriage. If I am selfish, then it affects everyone and everything. If I give until I'm give out, there are rewards. Hard work...not glamorous and not easy. But, it's necessary to have fruit that will last.

I am having to completely retrain myself. If I need to cook, then I have to figure out a way to involved the girls or somehow keep them busy and next to me. I have to spend time with them in order to teach and pass on my values. If they need correction then I have to drop everything and deal with it. It may take an hour, but my focus has to be on eternal things. My husband and children are more important than a clean house and beautiful meals. And, if I would take time to train my girls how to do things that will help me, then I won't have so much work to do- I will have helpers! This will take time and not be instantaneous- must get it through my head.

I am doing better now. Yesterday was 100 times better than the days before it. Today I'm doing better, not perfect, we're all tired and a bit irritable. Right now I am focusing on my tone of voice and attitude, making sure each child is loved on adequately, playing with them and reading with them more, and including them in what I am doing as best I can. I know I will fail at times. But, at least I'm back on the right path.

The Tea Party

Finally I'm getting around to posting this.

I had a blast with the tea party. It was a lot of work but it really fun. I had about 12 adult ladies and 7 little girls. I tried to have everything done 15 minutes before they arrived and popped the scones in the oven as they came in the door. (I froze them earlier in the week-BIG help- and they have to be fresh out of the oven) I made them wait in the main living room until everyone arrived, then I read off some tea etiquette. They all had a laugh over that- we are countrified east Texans, most of us, there ain't no etiquette here :) Then I took them to the tearoom, here.

The lighting was much softer, but the flash on my camera you know, and I am not skilled with the camera at all. Everything, and I mean absolutely everything except the pink flowers on the tables and the favors was stuff I already had or borrowed. I had the tables, I borrowed my mom's tablecloths and teacups and all her decorative teapots. I borrowed my grandmother's teapots and some chairs from the church. The greenery I used was from our wedding! I bought pink twin sheets to place under the white lace tablecloths at $3 each, I bought 10 bunches of silk flowers at 84 cents each, 10 tiny glass bud vases for 97 cents each and a package of shower curtain rings. Guess what the lace thing hanging from the mantel is??? I want to see guesses in the comments :) I'll tell you later...

I wrapped the shower curtain rings in either ribbon or lace and hot glued bows or flowers on them. Then I put viva paper towels in them! The roses in the vases were from down the street- wild sweet roses- totally for free :) I brought the tea mix and explained what it was and passed it around so they could sniff it while the water came to a boil. I filled the serving teapots with hot water to 'preheat'. Then I put 6-7 teaspoons of loose tea in two teapots- some that weren't so pretty- allowed to steep 5 minutes, poured the hot water out of the pretty pots, then poured through a strainer into the pretty teapots. I poured everyone a cup of tea and passed the sugar cubes and half and half around. By the time everyone had they're tea fixed and started drinking it, the scones were done and I allowed everyone to fill their plates :) Here is the buffet table :


The breakdown- the table in the middle is our desk with a large board on top. A nice white tablecloth covers it all the way down to the floor. On either side are some side tables covered with a square of tea towel and topped with a sheer rosebud curtain. My husband decided to get involved and put those two sconces on either side of the picture, then to cover the cord he (yes he did it) taped flowers and vines (most from our wedding) all around it.

On the table is the mini quiches which I purchased and the chocolate petite fours on the bottom. I cut and washed tiny viola flowers from my flower bed and put them on top. Very cute and edible. There is the strawberry cake which no one ate because they ate too much!!! The bowl with a towel is waiting for the scones, there is a platter for the cheddar dill bread, strawberry and apricot jam, a bowl of creme fraiche, a crystal bowl of grapes, platter of lemon cookies and the small table on the far end had the sandwiches. Here is another picture at a different angle, after they had eaten :)



Here is my best dressed guest. (I forgot to get a picture of myself in my Regency gown, oops)

I hung up Leiah's baby quilt on the wall behind her. Our filing cabinet got covered with some rose print cloth I had laying around, a picture of a quilt, a teapot and a candle. The computer cabinet was covered with a tablecloth, then topped with a porcelain doll, a photo of my grandmother on her wedding day, a figure about mothers and candles. Amazing what you can do with stuff around the house.

The rest of my guests, well, most of them. I am awful at pictures people!! Everyone loved the special tea I had ordered, Rose Cream tea. I made 5 pots total. I had two creamer/sugar sets so we passed them around. I used sugar cubes and half and half. Everyone had a great time and really enjoyed themselves. They stayed a long time too! I am a little sad that we are moving because this room was so perfect for hosting tea. I am planning to get dh to make a fake mantel or shelf just so I can decorate it exactly like I did on the fireplace because I love it so much.

A bit of effort and creativity and you can have a lovely gathering :)


My niece that I babysit, Emily, 13 months old.

Sarah in her tea gown and 'matching' hat :)

Rock and roll explained

I am frustrated at the moment. See, I did it again. I decided to host a Mother's Day afternoon tea party at my home. As usual, time has snuck up on me again and I now realize I do not have enough time to special order quality loose tea and accessories in order for it to arrive before the 10th of May. Plus, I want to make some tea cozies, the cute little covers that go on the teapots to keep the tea hot. I cannot find a free pattern online in the style I want and I don't have any idea how to free hand one. Why is it that something that seems so far in the future can sneak up on you so quickly? Deep breath. It will be ok- what I build up in my mind does not have to be the reality :)

Ok now on to what I planned to write. I was thinking about all the posts I did on rock and roll. It must seem strange for someone committed to home and family to enjoy or rather, crave rock. (ha,ha) I guess I should explain a bit more.

I am a paradox. I realized today that I always have been. As a child I LOVED playing with dolls tea sets, Barbies 'playing house' and dressing up. Loved it. However I also really loved digging in dirt, catching bugs and frogs and playing sports. I could easily flip back and forth between tomboy and girlie girl. I've never really fit into any particular group or mold. Maybe this is why I can't seem to get a good schedule for our family.

So, some days we wear feminine dresses and make cookies, some days I wear jean capri pants and a t-shirt and get down and dirty in the garden or cleaning, some days I wear a frilly shirt and jeans and flip flops etc. I can't ever seem to lock myself into one thing. If I decided we are dresses only, then I'll think 'what about when I go to a concert' or ' if we go fishing again what would I wear?' Wearing a dress doesn't fit in my mind. So,we do both.

Maybe I sound wishy washy, but that's not it. Here are the things that stay constant in my life:

I am always committed to Jesus and living for Him.

I am always committed to doing my best in everything I do.

It is my desire to give my best to my family.

I am always open to witnessing to someone else about the Lord.

I am always 'watching and praying' and waiting for our Lord's return.

Our meals and bedtimes/naps are at the same time each day. (mostly)

We have a rhythm we follow daily, it's just not always the same sequence of events.

That is my heart anyways. Some days I work like mad cleaning house etc, some days there's lots of stern talking and tears with the littles, some days there's lots of playing and broken crayons on the floor, some days there's crying and feeling inadequate to my girls. Am I a split personality?LOL just kidding.

Today I've been pondering what I would like as a master schedule for our family. I was asking myself questions like, 'what is most important to accomplish? What do I want my children to do each day and learn? What memories do I want to create? Who do I want to be to them and my husband?' It became more about things like that than just trying to cross off the many tasks we performed each day. We do benefit from routine and the children need to be kept busy, so I'm still working on it.

Anyways, back to being a paradox. I love being a homemaker and sewing dresses and having tea parties. I look forward to teaching my girls how to cook and bake, learn to do needlework like embroidery and knitting, my house is decorated with lace and doilies and teacups and Victorian artwork. But deep deep down, I'm a rocker. Gimme the jeans and crazy hair and subwoofer amps. Just today, while driving back from speech therapy, I wasn't feeling too good, time to remedy that. Turn on the rock and headbang a little, fixed me right up :)

Rock and Roll

Today I get to go to a concert. A rock concert.

A lot of Christians have the idea that anything that looks or seems worldly is wrong. I used to think that anything with a 'hard' sound was of the devil. Then my youth pastor played Jesus Freak by DC Talk to us and my paradigm shifted. I realized that it was possible to preach Christ through all music, and come to find out, I really liked it.

I am very very picky about what I listen to. I will only listen to groups who make it clear that Jesus is in their lives and sing about Him. Yes, rock carries the stigma of bad kids drinking, doing drugs and living an overall ungodly lifestyle. But music is such a powerful media the speak through. Remember, Satan was the angel over music in heaven before he revolted against the Lord. Music is his avenue to send out his messages too. Typically rock music artists are singing about fleshly desires and living for oneself, or worse, for the devil.

But, if we want to reach these people, you have to make the Gospel approachable, personal to them. Music is music, the words and spirit behind it is what makes it good or bad. If I am with other, maybe weaker, Christians and was listening to secular rock music, this could cause them to stumble. I'm not saying that everyone has to like it, but I personally think Jesus would be in the middle of the mosh pit if we could see Him. LOL! The Lord inhabits the praises of His people. He didn't say He would inhabit our praises if we just used a piano and acoustic guitar.

"...indeed it came to pass, when the trumpeters and singers were as one, to make one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the LORD, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and instruments of music, and praised the LORD, saying: "For He is good, For His mercy endures forever," that the house, the house of the LORD, was filled with a cloud,

so that the priests could not continue ministering because of the cloud; for the glory of the LORD filled the house of God." 2 Chronicles 5:12-13

The music I have listed on the left is so moving to me. When I feel bad, it lifts me up, somehow the music gets my frustrations and powerful feelings exercised and out. I am not kidding, I LOVE it the heavier it sounds. I don't listen to anything else unless it's praise and worship. My children have been raised in it and love it. I feel the power of God and electricity of the Holy Spirit in it.

So, tonight I will be pushing myself to the front of the stage with my husband and my best friend, and we will praise the Lord with all of our might :)

For anyone interested, we're going to see this band.

New things in our life

My new hairdo. I'm not sure about going straight. It's out of my comfort zone, but everyone else seems to like it straight.





This picture is weird. And I hate how you can see my less than beautiful figure :(


Today was hot- hot enough for water play.


Just can't leave the sprinkler put...gotta pick it up.

Silly randomness...

The garden is growing! These cucumbers have quadrupled in size in like two weeks!

Our lettuce! Ready for our first salad.



This is the broccoli. Strange huh?


The salad from the garden with fresh strawberries and almonds, a yummy salad dressing I whipped up, and homemade apple pie. These went great with our large pot of minestrone soup and homemade bread.

Our fun weekend

(weird looking huh?)

The grocery company my husband works for owns a large park and lake area. Apparently we can go anytime we want and it is very nice. Some other people he works with were having a cookout and invited everyone to go. My husband used to be an avid fisherman and hunter, but since I came into the picture he had dropped all of that. LOL, his decision mind you.

So he got all excited and bought little fishing rods and life jackets, relocated his tackle box and dug up worms so the girls could fish. Within 10 minutes of getting the bait into the water, Alexa had caught a fish! She caught two more and Leiah caught one. We ate them Sunday night :) Very tiny fillets but perty good.



The weather was perfect and we all had lots of fun. Unfortunately everyone brought loads of junk food, so my kids had a hay day with that! Oh well.


We have a special week coming. Thursday night dh and a friend and I are going to a Skillet concert (several of their songs are on my playlist on the left) and we are so excited. That last concert I went to was hubby's during our first year of marriage. Friday my brother-in-law and his wife offered to watch our girls overnight so dh and I can have a little getaway for our anniversary. They also have two girls, so we'll be sure to pray for them :) They did it last year and all went well.

I do have some topics on my mind to blog about when the time affords it. So stay tuned of course :)

7 Years Ago Today...

The two become one...our pastor likes to use colored water rather than candles because the two waters can never be separated again, like in marriage.

Cutting our cake. I bought the flowers for the cake and the lady who made the cake arranged them on it. Beautiful huh?

My other pictures wouldn't copy for some reason. By the way, I had to take pictures of my wedding pictures because my scanner is broken and somehow we never got these on the computer.

Incidentally, our wedding was a frugal one. I saw how nuts it was when my sister got married two years before and how much money was spent, so I opted for an easier more simpler route. I think including everything it was less than $2500. My grandmother made my wedding dress and the bridesmaids' dresses, we even had a mini strings orchestra playing, we bought and made all the decorations and the little country church only cost us $100. Our pastor didn't even charge us but we made him a gift basket. My mom made the groom's cake- a chocolate peanut guitar shaped one!

I would love to write out our courtship story, but I don't have time now. Maybe later if it works out. After seven years we are more in love and live like we're on our honeymoon still :) Yes we have those rough moments too, but we are wiser about how to deal with them.

A makeup test

So what do you think? Do I need makeup? I will say that this before picture turned out weird- the lighting isn't right somehow, so I look a lot worse :)




And the after picture. I use Bare Minerals makeup, and I've had it since last May. The kit cost $60, but I bet I have another year of use left in it!

See, the camera didn't flash on the first one for some reason. Oh well...I tend toward brown colors. I use tan and a deep sparkley brown eyeshadow, brown eyeliner, black mascara, a nude colored lipstick and a little tangerine lip gloss. All from walmart, and it's getting quite old now :)

Nothing on my mind to blog about till I saw this...

YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car),
Corky Tahoe

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie),
Neopolitan Biscotti

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name),
J-Sund

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal),
Red Dog

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born),
Ann Tyler

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first),
Sun-Je

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink),
The Blue Iced Tea

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers),
Jerald Nolan

9. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ),
Sue Samuel

10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter),
Principe Pasadena

11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower).
October Rose

12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)
Strawberry Shirty

13. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree),
Burrito Crepe Myrtle

14. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”),
The Reading Sunset Tour

Random things about me

Just thought I'd post a few things about myself that no one would ever guess I did :)

I once ate a crickett- on a nacho- on purpose :) Hey I was 12 and it was a dare!

In highschool I was Miss Athletic and played varsity volleyball (I am tall, major spiker) and track. Um,I'm not good at running, but I could sure hurl that discus and shotput :)

I did not learn to drive at all until right before my 16th birthday. I didn't even know how to turn the ignition :( That was not a fun learning experience and I would get lost so easily. It didn't help that my vehicle was a mile long truck.

I am the youngest- 5.5 years younger than my sister, and since she was too cool to play with me I was like an only child for awhile. Hence the reason I don't understand why my close in age children act the way they do.

In fifth grade I was taller than all the kids plus most of my teachers. I stuck out a little.

I still played with dolls of all sorts when I was 13 years old. (you might guess that one)

I don't enjoy rollercoasters and amusement parks, but if in a large group I can pretend to have fun.

I didn't know how to cook anything from scratch when I married. We ate lots of spaghetti and frozen pizza and boxed macaroni and cheese.

I taught myself how to make soap from lye and fat. I like getting dressed up in my old lab coat and goggles and mixing it all up like a scientist. This was a few months after I got married.

I have blessed to have travelled to New York City, Washington D. C., Holland, Paris, Seattle/Mt. Rainier, Victoria Island, Canada, Jamaica, Grand Caymen and Cozumel, Mexico. (all within the span of two years) Also Upper Michigan and all the states in between it and Texas several times and the coast of Florida.

I was face to face with Winona Ryder in Paris- it took me a minute to recognize her because she had long blond hair, and she's very short. We were in the same store.

I ate raw meat in Paris. It was supposedly 'cooked' in lemon juice and it was another dare. Yack.

My favorite movies are The Princess Bride, Anne of Green Gables and Avonlea of course, Dumb and Dumber and all Ace Ventura's, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Chronicles of Narnia, The Last Sin Eater, and Lord of the Rings Trilogy (well I like the first one best). There's a lot more but that's all I can think of.

My biggest food weakness is sweets. And breads, but I'm getting better.

I used to be a skateboarder- not great but that was my thing when Matt and I were 'just friends'. He was a rollerblader.

My mom is one of my bestest friends and always has been. We talk almost everyday and have fun together.

I loved absolutely everything about my wedding- EVERYTHING- it was so perfect- the weather and everything. Wish I could get pictures up for all to see- no scanner :(

The chores I used to hate most I really like now. They are doing dishes, vacuuming and ironing. I used to like laundry better than dishes and bathrooms better than vacuuming- not so anymore.

I enjoy almost all foods that I diskliked as a kid. If cooked the right way I like runny fried eggs, black eyed peas, greens like spinach etc., English peas, sweet potatoes and onions. Still don't like cantaloupe (big thing down here) or asparagus, no matter how many times I've tried them.


Well, that's all I have time for, there's plenty more. Hope this gives you an idea about what I'm really like :)

I Lost Something

Somewhere in the last few years of being a wife and mom and homemaker I seem to have lost something. It wasn't until after I had my second child that I realized I was lacking in these areas and began to study what my roles really are. While the truth was illuminating for me, it seems that somehow I have become so focused on works, and not heart.

I find myself wondering what my purpose was for having children. I knew I always wanted them- to have babies of my own to care for, play with and teach. I knew I wanted to get married and always have someone that loved me and someone to love. I knew I want a little place of my own that I could be 'queen' in. But it seems that as I have grown in my understanding in the knowledge of my place and role in life, the more I am trying to measure up by someone else's standards. I feel like if I don't do this or that, then I won't be loved or have approval.

I have always been the kind that wanted to please others and cared about what other people thought of me. And while living out the path that God has given to me, Satan has taken this knowledge and twisted around against me. Here are some of the things I am currently dealing with:

Health and Nutrition

I feel guilty when I feed my family not so healthy meals. I have researched health for so long, that I really know too much. I am like an encyclopedia when it comes to nutrition and health, and the enemy uses it against me. Our budget does not allow organic products (except things like grains/flour/sugar) or grass-fed beef/free range chicken. I don't really have a lot of time to make all our bread and snacks etc. from scratch, and lately we have been eating a fair amount of junk just because of family coming over and going out etc.

Dressing Modestly

This was a huge eye-opener for me. I had no idea how important it was to be modest. However, I am at a difficult size to buy and sew for right now, and don't have a lot of dresses/skirts still. I have quite a few, but some are for just at home. My girls wear dresses and shorts/pants, so do I. I feel guilty at times for us not all wearing matching handmade dresses. Silly I know, but for some reason I get to thinking like that.

My Home

Awhile back, I was ferociously attacked on the state of my home by someone close to me, and it just ruined me. I constantly feel guilty if my house is a little messy. Prior to this I was pretty relaxed about cleaning, probably too relaxed. It just wasn't a priority and I didn't see it as something noble to do in my profession. Now I'm a neat freak that gets upset with my children for making messes with toys in their room and whatnot. I have to step back and think, ok my kids are 1,3 and 4, they have no real concept of the importance of neatness yet. I have been working diligently to teach them to clean up after themselves, and they are doing good. Still, are my standards too high? Probably a little.

My Husband

Sometimes I get to a place where I feel like my husband won't love me as much or want me anymore if I slack in these areas. Forget the fact that I am a person created in the image of God and am valuable and loved by Him- I start thinking my husband will be unhappy if the bed is unmade. We've talked these things over and we both have a much clearer understanding of what the other expects and what we're supposed to be doing as husband and wife. He assures me it's fine for me to ask for help- that it won't kill him if he does the dishes once in awhile, or bathes the kids one night.

My Body

Now, this has always been a sensitive issue with me. I have always compared my body size to others, soooooo longing to be thin. And I am so not. Never have been. I've been a lot thinner than I am now, but I was still plus sized. I don't think I'm completely a cow or anything, but I feel inadequate just the same. I lost much weight before our first child came along, and have never been able to get back to that. My way of eating is just too hard to do with a growing family of little people on a budget.
I begin to think people look down on me, or that my husband is unhappy about it, or that my kids will notice and not like it etc. I feel like I always have to make an excuse, I've been pregnant 4 times in 4 years!

Being a Good mother

This is what I'm currently battling with right now. The last few weeks I've been short tempered and impatient and not very loving. I don't really know why. But I know I don't like it at all, and am ashamed to admit that I have not been exhibiting the love of Jesus to my children much.

Are we stressed? Yeah, but we always are, nothing abnormal. I always feel like I have so much to do and can never do it because the munchkins get in the way. But what is my purpose for doing all the stuff? Who am I trying to impress? Why do I feel I need approval? What happened to investing into an eternal soul than dusting the shelves? I just don't know. What happened to my dreams of playing with my kids and teaching them fun things and reading to them? I can't remember the last time I read a book to my kids!!! ME! Who used to LOVE to read! I don't even read anymore, at least not for fun. What happened to Jessica?

I've become so 'adult' that I can't remember how to play. I am so sad to write this. This isn't at all what I had envisioned. Why have I let these things bring me into such bondage? Why have I allowed myself to live a life of works and doing enough to measure up? Measure up to what? I will never measure up to Jesus in my flesh. I need grace. Lots of grace. I so want to show love and gentleness and patience to my girls. I want them to learn love and giving from me. I want to teach them the joy of using their imaginations when reading books or 'pretending'. I want them to learn all the homemaking skills I have had to learn while doing it. I want to teach them piano and guitar and singing and crafts and all the things I used to do. I don't want to be too busy for them.

Somewhere along the way, I lost the right heart attitude. I became focused on details and not the big picture. I feel overwhelmed- here's a list of reasons why.

My oldest is a special needs child, that I have just learned. She hasn't much speech yet and isn't potty trained yet but it's really a miracle she's alive. She requires more one and one and I haven't been giving it to her much. She goes to speech therapy twice a week and then will return to school in August.

My middle child is strong willed and spirited and very smart. She picks up on everything and loves to test and push my buttons. I need help with learning to redirect her energies/will and discipline in general. She needs way more attention (positive) and affection than I am giving her.

My youngest is a sweetie, but is getting very meddlesome and wanders off- again, training issues. And, sadly, I haven't really read her any books at all in her little life. She needs mama time too.

My husband has been dealing with constant dizziness and panic attacks for 9 months and we have done everything medically and naturally possibly to figure it out. Still have no idea what it is. We are believing for his healing, but sometimes things don't happen right away.

My own health is getting better, but hasn't been the best the last few years. My dryer is broken and it's been raining so much I can't hardly get our clothes dry.

We are facing a hard decision about future children. Since my oldest has a genetic disorder and I did have a late miscarriage with my third pregnancy, we must seriously consider if having more children would be wise. I also have c-sections, my blood type is O negative so I have to get shots, and it costs way too much money for an OB. I would have to undergo serious genetic testing including amniocentesis. I don't want that. I wanted a large family- I still want more babies someday, but I don't want to go through all of that. I don't want morning sickness and sciatic nerve pain and surgery recovery again. I don't want another high risk pregnancy- not with what is currently on my plate.

We have debt. A lot. Enough said.

My husband's job has gotten increasingly stressful and he often gets home late and works in the middle of the night too.

Wow, I have to take a deep breath now.


I am praying that God will show me what to do here. I need to know what things to focus on, and what aren't important. Is it more important that I have spotless floors or read the book with Alexa? Is it more important to have a perfectly healthy meal or save money? Is it better to put our children to bed early and be with my husband alone, or let them stay up and play as a family? So many variables. I need lots of time to think and pray about this.

I've had internet problems today, plus a very busy day in general! I was at Wal-Mart at 8:30am with all the kids buying a huge amount of groceries since we have company coming. Then I came home, put it all away, got our things together and headed to my mom's to drop the younger two off before I took my oldest to speech therapy. After that I stopped by the pediatrician's office to get some papers, stopped by a friend's house, picked up the other two kids, drove back to our town, stopped at a church to drop the paperwork off for my second child so she can go to preschool there, then home. I took my kids in and out of carseats 7 times! That's 21 times total since there are three of them! I cannot imagine what it will be like to just get in the car and not have to buckle everybody in or take diaper bag along.

I was thinking today, while driving, which is what I do a lot, that people might be surprised to learn a fact about me. See I am committed to dressing modestly and femininely, keeping home and making it a comfortable, cozy place to live, being a helpmeet to my husband and all that. People might put me into a certain type of 'group'.

But, I LOVE heavy rock music. I'm talking the screaming head-bangin' mosh pit stuff.

The first time I ever heard a Christian band playing rock music was DC Talk's Jesus Freak. It rocked my world (pun intended). I just had no idea that kind of music could have a Christian message. From then on I loved it. It somehow satisfies a deep need in me, like feelings and emotions that can only be expressed in musical form.

I am musical. I play the piano for church, I can sing pretty well, and I play the guitar. My husband is the worship leader, also playing guitar. When we were dating and after we married, he was in a heavy rock Christian band. They were so talented, just had a hard time finding a good singer. When they would practice our whole house vibrated. You could hear it outside the house. Forget trying to watch TV or even talk! I miss it though.

Some people might disagree that this music isn't edifying or glorifying the Lord because of the image it portrays, that of the world. But you know, all genres of music can be secular or Christian. I'm sorry, but sometimes plain old contemporary music artists bore me to tears. Turn it off! Where's the feeling? Where's the depth? Not all are like that, but some just rub me the wrong way. God is a God of power and might, strength and authority. Listening or playing powerful music proclaiming Him is good.

So, you can see me wearing my modest feminine dress, with a car load of kids, beating a rhythm on the steering wheel, or even head banging. If I feel stressed or down, rock makes me feel better.

My absolute favorite band is Creed. They aren't exactly Christian, but the songs have such substance and depth, and references to Scripture. The lead singer has become a Christian and is recording Christian songs now. Interestingly, when my second daughter was a baby, she hated the car, so I would turn up the Creed tape, which was all I had, as loud as I could and she would stop crying. No other music worked, had to be Creed- she probably heard it so much in utero that it soothed her, LOL. Next is Third Day (lots of praise and worship), Delirious, Kutlass, Project 86, Jeremy Camp.

I do listen to some contemporary and lots of worship songs too. But, when I'm having a bad day or feel stressed, Creed does the trick :)

So, there ya go, a surprising side of me :)

Now back to the search for cheap cloth diapers...

Anne of Green Gables

As I'm sure anyone who has visited here has noticed, the actual address to this blog is anneatheart, or Anne at Heart. My middle name is Ann, but doesn't have anything to do with it. I love Anne of Green Gables. When the series first came out, in 1990 or so, I was about 9 years old. I was glued to the show. Thus began my fetish of anything old fashioned. I would dress up in whatever I had the resembled the clothing of that time period, pretend to have tea with my little porcelain tea set and stitch my sampler.

As I got older my mom bought me the actual set of books written by Lucy M. Montgomery and they have been put to good use. They are wonderful and while the show is accurate and does capture the spirit of the book, nothing compares to the written words. The author was very gifted in descriptive language and paints beautiful word pictures of the island without going overboard.

As much as I would love to dress myself in full Edwardian Anne Shirley garb, it's not too practical here in East Texas where the humidity is awful at the moment. Add to that the fact that my husband probably would refuse to be seen with me in public. I relate with Anne, as I have never stopped imagining things different from what they are, for fun. I also, especially as a teenager, had a knack for getting myself into 'scrapes'. I've gotten much better in recent years :)