March 1, 2013

Still letting things go out of my hands

I have been quiet here I know!

I am still in the process of letting things go. For various reasons, typical homeschool like we were doing hasn't been happening. I ran out of books on our list and need to order more, or our printer has not been working right at all, or one of us has been having allergy symptoms, or we have to make a trip to the city and so on.

So we have been unschoolers. I really feel the Lord leading me to this place and making me stay. It is hard- I have to battle emotions and the need for feeling in control. I think He is trying to deschool ME. My own self imposed rules and goals and requirements, my own pride. Yes, it took awhile to get down to the core of some of the issues, but I got to it, and it was pride.

Not wanting to lose face or admit that I made mistakes; not wanting to look like I don't care about the cleanliness of our home, the quality of our meals, our appearance, our clothes, our school curriculum and so on. I have  made so many of my choices based on pride and I didn't even know it!

Like I said, it has taken some serious praying and searching to figure it out. I don't think of myself as being prideful, and compared to a lot of people I am not. But it was still there. Having once been berated for some things that I may not have done like that person, I guess I developed a fear of not pleasing others. For example, at the grocery store, I used to have pride in the fact that we didn't eat processed foods or use chemical cleaners etc. If for some reason I had to buy something like that, I would try to hide it in my cart so no one could see it. LOL. And then stand there and compare my cart contents with others. How silly!!

And, if we are going somewhere, our girls MUST look nice. I feel so embarrassed if their hair has tangles or their clothes aren't matched, but I've really had to let go in this area and allow them to be individuals. The only exception is that Sunday morning, I will fix their hair like I want and it will have a bow, even if they melt down about it.

If someone were to drop by unannounced it's quite humbling if I happen to be in my worst clothes or  nightgown and the kitchen isn't cleaned up from breakfast or lunch. But one thing I've noticed is that I am SO much harder on myself than others. I for one don't notice the flaws in them or their home or their kids unless I'm spending a lot of time there or with them. Even then, I'm full of mercy and grace for them. But when it comes to myself, wow, judgmental. So, we (as in me and God) are working on this. I am loved because I am who I am. I want my children to remember me as an example of love and kindness, not as someone who was perfect and demanded perfection from them.

So, I am still letting go. Learning to trust Him with it all, all the time, like every moment of the day being led by the Spirit.

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