Long ago, I was a typical little girl. I loved playing with my baby dolls, tea party set, Barbies and dress up. I dreamed of having 10 kids of my own someday and played 'house' all the time. I never had a pretend husband, didn't have much use for him, LOL. I am almost embarrassed to admit this, but I played with my dolls up until I was 13 or 14 years old, and I still had coloring books I colored in regularly when I was older :)
I loved school and playing school and so believed that I would one day also be a teacher. How I planned to mesh these two things together I didn't know, but it wasn't a concern for me then. Somewhere between junior high and highschool I bought into the idea that I needed a career and to make something of myself. I was a very tough, I can do-anything-a-man-can type of girl, mainly because I was taller and bigger than all the boys, and even they would tell me things like "you should try out for football" or "How's the weather up there?" I even did some testing with the Marine Corps as I was considering joining. (I had been watching G.I. Jane)
It bothered me though I laughed. I didn't want to stick out, I wanted to blend in with the other littler pretty girls that they liked. I had lots of fun guy friends, we were equal I suppose. For some reason I thought that the smarter and tougher I was, the more respected and liked I would be. I wouldn't even carry a purse because I felt I would look girly. Now, I did have very long curly hair, wore make-up, and was generally a quiet type person on the outside. So it's not like I looked or acted like a guy, at least not in extreme. And I did wear dresses to church and sometimes at school. (when nothing else was clean) I just felt I had to prove myself.
So, I set my sights on something great. A chemistry teacher, a doctor, a scientist, one of those things. I went to an awesome missionary-taught highschool called Christian Heritage. ( if you've ever heard of YWAM- Youth With A Mission) I had thought of becoming part of the ministry and doing a discipleship training school (DTS) instead of college, but my dad was less than pleased with that idea. So off to college I went.
I hated it. Never before in my life had I felt so little drive to make that A+. Because of an inaccurate test, I was placed in remedial reading and math, even though my senior year in highschool I made an A in all my classes, including calculus, physics, literature that I wrote some 100 essays for, all A's!!! I couldn't remember how to do 5th grade math after calculus, so I was placed in a remedial class. I would skip several classes and still make an A. I had to take another test mid-semester to test out of those classes and thankfully I did. I just didn't feel that I was in the right place.
One day while driving home from school I was praying, out loud. I said, "God, if you want me to go into DTS and become a missionary to a foreign place, I will do it. I know it might be hard, but if it's where you want me to be, I'll do it."
Then I said, "Lord, if you want me to stay in school and become a doctor, I know it would be really hard, but You would help me if that's what I'm supposed to do."
A few minutes passed, and I kind of chuckled and said,"And if you just want me to get married and have babies then I guess I'll do that."
BAM! I immediately felt in my spirit that God said " Ok." Like, He was waiting for me to be willing. Right after that my future husband and I started getting to know each other. At the time I just thought "hmm" and put it on the back burner of my mind.
Well, about 6 months later I was married, less than a year since I had graduated from highschool. Before I graduated I distinctly remember saying this, "I think it is so stupid for girls to get married right out of highschool. " I et my words, huh.
And I was right where I was supposed to be. It wasn't until about three years into our marriage that I learned about being a homemaker. My whole world changed. Why didn't anyone tell me this stuff before? I happened onto www.ladiesagaintsfeminism.com and that's where it all started. I learned about modest dress, my role as a homemaker, my role as a helpmeet to my husband and about training up godly children. It has been a process these three years since the first 'paradigm shift', but I am amazed at how far I've come. And I feel freedom in knowing I'm doing exactly what God wants me to.
I do above and beyond now with three children than I did when it was just Matt and I. We would wade into the laundry room to find our clothes. The dishes got done every few days. I did cook and grocery shop, and I did work outside the home, but still, I was so ignorant. Oh, how I wish I would have known these things before we got married. But, God has perfect timing.
Life is far from perfect. I still have moments when I feel insignificant and like nothing I do is amounting to anything eternal, even though I know it's not true. I have 'rebellious' feelings at times- wanting to run away from it all when things get crazy. I am human, but I honestly can't think of anything I would rather be doing. On the rare occasion I'm home alone, I don't know what to do with myself. It's as if I can't think clearly about what I could or should do. Things don't feel right.
But I am ever so thankful that God has shown me these things now, that I might serve my husband in the way he needs me to, raise my daughters in this knowledge, that home is a wonderful and productive place, and help other women to know what their purpose and role is in life, almost like 'spreading the Good news' in a sense.
Anyways, that's my story of how I came to be a keeper at home. What's yours?
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