I've been avoiding the blog.
Yes, because I can't seem to NOT write about my honest feelings or NOT be real and write fluffy stuff when I don't feel fluffy.
So, what do you do when the thing you want to happen isn't, and the things you DON'T want to happen, is happening? You feel disappointed and maybe guilty.
My situation is December is flying by. I did NOT want our holidays to be so crammed with activities and events and just stuff to do that it was a burden. The one main thing I wanted to do was put out lots of lights outside in our front yard.
Didn't happen. It rained for three weekends. The whole month of December got filled up by the the 4th! I feel obligated to do these things, because a lot of it is family, yet it feels unfair. I didn't hardly get to enjoy decorating our home because it was so rushed. I had zero time before Thanksgiving to do any Christmas prep as far as decor and gifts go, because I was hosting Thanksgiving and family. Then before you know it, there it is and now we're on December 15th. So much for making that Advent calendar!
Now, I have a child that has to stay home from school and miss all her fun stuff until Thursday because she came down with strep throat and bronchitis. I have two parties to attend and bring food and gifts to, make presents for teachers, make the rest of the homemade presents, make at least two more shopping trips and somehow get my children to see Santa Clause because they REALLY want to. This isn't what I wanted.
What did I want? More TIME! Time to make those neat cinnamon/applesauce ornaments I've been wanting to do for years. Time to make an advent calendar so that instead of asking every day when Santa Clause is coming, they can look at how many days are left on the calendar. I wanted time to enjoy carefully and slowly decorating the house and tree, time to enjoy making crafts and presents, and time to plan ahead with the baking and cooking. Time to read the Christmas stories, watch the Christmas shows and spend time with the kiddies.
I wanted all the other daily chores to do themselves so I could focus on other things :) Who wants to do laundry and plan meals when there are so many other things to do? Yet, here I am in the middle of a PILE of kid laundry, needing to make a pot of soup for the sick one, figuring out how to find time to bake cupcakes for school and just overall feeling bad because I don't want Christmas to be suddenly over before I'm ready.
Then I wonder, why do I feel like I have to make things perfect. Why do I feel that no one will be happy with a good try? I can't remember if the house was clean or the laundry done on Christmas morning. I don't remember if there was clutter or paper piles or if the floor was vacuumed or if the bedrooms were in order. I don't remember casting a judgmental eye at my mom for not looking or doing things perfect or spending time making crafts and gingerbread houses. In my eyes, they way it was, WAS perfect. It couldn't get any better- we had the BEST Christmases in my opinion.
So how do you make yourself chill? I don't know...I get into this mode and haven't figured out a way to let it go yet. I guess I need to prioritize better and make sure the most important things are covered and not sweat the rest. Maybe I'm just tired and dealing with hormones. Maybe I need a drink, ha,ha :)
Maybe it's because I don't think there are many Christmases left before Jesus returns, and I want to make the most of the ones we have. I don't want to be remembered in my children's eyes that mom was mean and stressed at Christmas.
I wish I could start December over.