June 14, 2007

What's the Purpose?

The Girl I used to be

She came tonight as I sat alone
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully;

Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.

So gently rising I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems,
and precious they are to me;
That the silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman I am now
Pleased the girl I used to be

Author: Rowena K. Lewis
Copyright March 9, 1997

The first time I read this poem, I was very touched. It described exactly how I was feeling at the moment. When I was a little girl, all I dreamed of doing was being a mom to MANY children. Of course, this was before I understood how the babies got here, and wasn't really interested in having a husband and didn't know anything about bills and such. As I grew, I bought into the idea that I need a career, to do something with my life. Mostly I wanted to teach, or be a Christian counselor, but in highschool I fell in love with chemistry and calculus and wanted to go that route.

I forgot my dreams of being a wife and mother, or at least envisioned as second to my all important career that would change the world. I went to college and found I didn't fit the mold at all. I was not happy, and wanted to go into 'full time ministry' with Youth With A Mission. (YWAM- their main base is here where I live)

God had other plans.

I distinctly remember saying "I think it is so stupid for girls to get married right out of highschool." Boy did I eat my words! During the fall of my first semester of college, a man I had known for at least 10 years decided to pay me some attention. He had become a friend of my family and we also went to church with him. (he is the music leader there) We were engaged on New Year's Eve and were married April 21, 2001- LESS than a year since I had graduated. HA,HA, does God have a sense of humor! Not the path I had chosen for myself, but it was God's, and it was good.

I now have the babies I so desired as a child, but it's not quite what I thought it would be. Simply put, it is HARD! We do have special circumstances that make it more difficult. My oldest had problems in utero and we had an emergency c-section and she continues to have developmental delays. More on that later. Our second daughter was born 11 months after the first. We had a miscarriage after that, then our third daughter was born the next year. All by c-section.Four pregnancies in 3 years, and did we get comments! So, we have a lot going on. It is hard to see the big picture and it's easy to feel overwhelmed and pity for myself.

God entered me in a different kind of school. I have learned far more than I ever thought possible since I married and had little ones. Things I probably wouldn't have learned had I gone my way. I have become much less selfish, and have learned to die to my own desires, sometimes not so willingly. My husband and I have been refined in the fire, through all the trials we've dealt with our oldest and my close pregnancies etc. I am so thankful for all I've learned, now. I wasn't at the time I was going through it.

Thank you Lord that You created me with a specific purpose in mind. Even when I feel insignificant and that I'm not making a difference, I know that I am right where I'm supposed to be, and that You are in control.


Anonymous said...

Hi I came across your blog from the Myblessedhome website...your life sounds so much like mine. I too had 3 children (3 c-sections) in 3 1/2 years (my oldest is almost 4 and I have a 3 month old). I always dreamed as a child about having lots of children, but then went to college and tried the career path...but it too wasn't for me. I love my current "job" of being a stay at home mom. I spend my time trying to be a good wife, mom and homemaker, and to make sense and gain strength from my religion. Yes, having children this close in age is tough but it is such a blessing too...and to see them grow up so close together touches my heart. Thank you for letting me see that there are other people out there just like me! Lisa

Anneatheart said...

Hi Lisa,

It is great to know we aren't the only ones going through this. I never imagined how difficult this would be. I do love what I am doing and am so blessed to be able to stay at home. Thanks for visiting!