What to do?

I never dreamed having children would be so hard.

When I was little it was my fantasy to have a house full of babies to care for. I loved playing dolls and dressing up in clothes that looked like Anne of Green Gables. I loved American Girl books and dolls (the original historical ones, not the newer ones) And I'll be honest and say that I lived out my fantasy up till my early teens.

A couple of months after Matt and I married, I could hardly wait till enough time had lapsed for us to have children. (you know, we had to wait at least a year according to everyone else, i am glad we waited a little while though) After 9 months of marriage I had a pregnancy 'scare' and was actually disappointed I was not pregnant. Then we began to think and pray about it and decided to conceive. That's where Leiah comes in.

Ah, Leiah, my sweet angel child. I never entertained the thought that I would have a 'special' child. I prayed constantly for that little one before I knew there were any problems. Anyways, I digress...

When Leiah was about 2 years old and Alexa was around 1 year, I knew everything I wanted to do where they were concerned. I would homeschool them, making sure that they learned the basics of keeping home and learned forgotten arts like embroidery and crochet, that they loved reading and playing dollies, and of course they would be perfectly dressed in matching dresses and pinafores. Then it became evident that Leiah was not progressing like we had hoped. She was walking well, but still no speech. She could do some sign language, but that was it.

A therapist started coming to our home twice a week and that went well. Then she turned three and could no longer receive these services. It was now up to the public school to take over her therapy. I was so against it, but after we went in for an evaluation and met the people and saw how well she did with everyone, we decided she was ready. She has been going for two years now, all day and rides the school bus. (only for her class, no other kids) In between all of that I had a miscarriage, a lot of health problems, and then another pregnancy, not to mention all that I was learning about keeping the home, being a submissive wife, learning to sew, cloth diapering, living frugally and health.

I am so confused now. The more I read about homeschooling the more guilty I feel for not doing it. I thought we were doing the best for her- she was getting free therapy and lots of teaching. But she still doesn't have many words. It's like she leaves all her 'school skills' at school, and doesn't integrate it at home. She is tired when she comes home so I don't quiz her a lot and try to work with her. She just won't cooperate.

I thought Alexa needed to go to preschool. She is learning a lot and enjoys being with the other kids, but many days she says she doesn't want to go and wants to stay home. Yet, she does get bored easily at home and is always wanting to go somewhere. Sarah could care less about what's happening :)

What a dilemma! I don't want to make a big mistake where my children are concerned. My thinking before was " I went to public school. I learned a lot and was a very good kid. I made a friend that later was led to Jesus because of our friendship. I was a witness to others. Matt was the same way in his school. So if we take all the Christian kids out of public school who will be the Light?" But now I don't know. Not all kids are as strong as I was, or as grounded in the Word. Schools are a lot different now than even when I went.

Every time I open the Bible to find some direction, I don't know where to go. I feel like He is silent on this issue right now. I am wrestling with it, trying to figure out what we should do. I have to know that I know that I know that whatever I do it is the Lord's plan.

Lord please show me the way soon.