February 27, 2008

Special Children

I never entertained the idea that I would have a special child. I mean, of course everyone's child is special and unique, but what I mean is a special needs child. I didn't think that scenario was possible because I was 19 when I conceived Leiah and in great health. But, 2/3 of the way through her pregnancy it became evident that something wasn't right. What we didn't know is how much in danger her little life was.

What I believe, is because we were praying so hard long before she was conceived that she would be an instrument of the Lord, sensitive to His spirit, healthy, sweet tempered etc. that the enemy did his best to try to snuff her life out. Others may have their own opinions, but that is what I believe. Now that we know that her 'diagnoses' is something serious and rare, it's amazing to us that she is ALIVE and doing so WELL! She has always been very, very healthy, and hardly ever sick. Her heart murmur closed up (thanks to prayers and standing on God's Word) at 4 months, she grew well and had no digestive issues. She learned very slowly, but always progressed, never reverted back. She can learn well with lots of repetition.

The main reason I am writing all of this is because I am discouraged right now. Imagine a 5 year old little girl who looks totally normal, is happy most all of the time, sweet and obedient, with a stubborn streak towards her sisters. Imagine that she desperately wants to learn and interact with her sisters and friends and parents, but can't. She can say a few words that are hard to understand except for 'Yeah!' and use a few signs but always has to be prompted. She is afraid to go anywhere in the house without me. (I can't say 'Leiah, go put your shoes in your closet.' because she just can't go back there by herself) She knows her letters and numbers and shapes, but she can't say them or write them.

Imagine how you would feel if you put her on a school bus at the age of 3 so she could get some specialized help. And then when she comes home she is tired and goes to bed very early. I felt like I didn't know her. Imagine how you would feel, if, despite your efforts, she isn't receptive to you, the mom, teaching her. She is too emotional around me, so now I have to take her to a therapist.

Then, imagine how you would feel because she needs a lot of attention, yet you have two other little ones that need you, a large home that is always needing cleaning, healthy nutrient dense meals to prepare, weight to lose, a house to pack up etc... I always feel guilty for not giving her enough. I am not enough for her, she needs others who are more skilled. I'm here to love her and show her Christ; God can use others to help her too. And that's the hard part- I want to be the one that 'makes the breakthrough', not other people.

But, God put her in this family, and she isn't neglected or anything. I just want to be able to communicate with my daughter; to have a relationship with her, and to be able to understand what she wants and needs. If I have to learn another language I would!!


Crystal said...

I don't personally know how you feel but just know that you will be in my prayers.

*MichiganMomma* said...

Just want to remind you (I know you already know this) that God specifically made and gave this child to YOU and your dh. He wanted this daughter in YOUR family. There is a purpose here. It is all a part of His plan.

When things get overwhelming with all the little ones, I try to remember this - I say things like this outloud. Yes, it can be difficult dealing with so many littles, but God has a plan. He is molding us all, using us in each other's lives. His plan is so much better than anything we could have come up with on our own (even if His plan scares us sometimes).

Just keep praying, keep reading His Word and hold onto TRUTH. God didn't mess up when He made her and He didn't mess up when He placed her in your care.

As a side note, have you read Family Driven Faith? Excellent read (thus far, I'm only on chpt. 3). It has been excellent in helping me to refocus where some of my energy is going. You simply have to prioritize, making sure your priorities are lining up with HIS!!

Love you sister~

Cheryl said...

I know how you feel! My dd #1 is special needs...not to the extent your's is, but still has issues none the less. She is afraid to go anywhere in the house. Her developmental doc says anxiety is part of some developmental delays. Mine looks normal, healthy and happy, is sensitive and loves God, but she can't do the same things other kids her age do, such as read, write, and understand most simple tasks!! Research as MUCH as you can on how to help her. YOU CAN teach her, she loves YOU and will respond to YOU! There are days I am so discouraged and so sad for my dd, but, this is how God made my little girl. She is sensitive, intelligent, (just can't figure out how to learn and apply it yet!) and creative! God has big plans for my dd and your dd. You are doing all you can for her, and God will honor your efforts and your willingness to raise her to be all God wants her to be! Hang in there! You're not alone!!