I never entertained the idea that I would have a special child. I mean, of course everyone's child is special and unique, but what I mean is a special needs child. I didn't think that scenario was possible because I was 19 when I conceived Leiah and in great health. But, 2/3 of the way through her pregnancy it became evident that something wasn't right. What we didn't know is how much in danger her little life was.
What I believe, is because we were praying so hard long before she was conceived that she would be an instrument of the Lord, sensitive to His spirit, healthy, sweet tempered etc. that the enemy did his best to try to snuff her life out. Others may have their own opinions, but that is what I believe. Now that we know that her 'diagnoses' is something serious and rare, it's amazing to us that she is ALIVE and doing so WELL! She has always been very, very healthy, and hardly ever sick. Her heart murmur closed up (thanks to prayers and standing on God's Word) at 4 months, she grew well and had no digestive issues. She learned very slowly, but always progressed, never reverted back. She can learn well with lots of repetition.
The main reason I am writing all of this is because I am discouraged right now. Imagine a 5 year old little girl who looks totally normal, is happy most all of the time, sweet and obedient, with a stubborn streak towards her sisters. Imagine that she desperately wants to learn and interact with her sisters and friends and parents, but can't. She can say a few words that are hard to understand except for 'Yeah!' and use a few signs but always has to be prompted. She is afraid to go anywhere in the house without me. (I can't say 'Leiah, go put your shoes in your closet.' because she just can't go back there by herself) She knows her letters and numbers and shapes, but she can't say them or write them.
Imagine how you would feel if you put her on a school bus at the age of 3 so she could get some specialized help. And then when she comes home she is tired and goes to bed very early. I felt like I didn't know her. Imagine how you would feel, if, despite your efforts, she isn't receptive to you, the mom, teaching her. She is too emotional around me, so now I have to take her to a therapist.
Then, imagine how you would feel because she needs a lot of attention, yet you have two other little ones that need you, a large home that is always needing cleaning, healthy nutrient dense meals to prepare, weight to lose, a house to pack up etc... I always feel guilty for not giving her enough. I am not enough for her, she needs others who are more skilled. I'm here to love her and show her Christ; God can use others to help her too. And that's the hard part- I want to be the one that 'makes the breakthrough', not other people.
But, God put her in this family, and she isn't neglected or anything. I just want to be able to communicate with my daughter; to have a relationship with her, and to be able to understand what she wants and needs. If I have to learn another language I would!!