February 5, 2008

Yokes and Burdens

I got rid of yesterday's post. I find that sometimes in needing 'someone' understanding to talk to, I vent on my blog. While this isn't a bad thing, it's just not what I want to do. I feel that I tend to do that a lot. Part of the problem is I don't have friends.

Wow that was hard to say. My husband is my best friend, then next is my mom. But, to have another friend who is a young woman with a young family staying home and managing it- nope. At least not in the flesh. (well I have met Candy, but that was in the summer and we live too far away to 'see' each other regularly)

What is strange to me is that for almost five years I've been attending MOPS, and in all that time I have yet to meet someone who wants a friend. It seems I am always the one having to initiate getting together with someone or trying really, really hard to create a friendship. And all my friends that are still single are living on another planet right now- their lives are just so very different from mine, it's hard to find common ground.

What's the deal? Is it because I have a bunch of little kids? Do I talk too much, eat weird food, laugh too loud?? Am I too big? What gives? I am a social person, and unfortunately, men think that if we're in the same room we're having quality time, LOL. (dh revealed this to me the other day) So, I have the internet, and of course, the Holy Spirit. But, it's nice to have someone with skin :)

I say all of this in jest, but it's still hard to understand. For most of my life it seems that after awhile I get cast off by my 'best friends' like 'you've served your purpose now I don't need you anymore'. Thank God He won't leave me.

Because of my chosen life, and me realizing the value of such a life, of course the enemy is going to try to confuse me and stress me out. One issue is cleaning- I've been burned about that before, so it's a tender spot and I get all bent out of shape if things aren't up to the right standards, whosever they are. They certainly aren't mine as I've said before, I wasn't a great housekeeper the first few years of marriage.

As I was driving rather sleepily this morning, the Lord spoke to me about it.

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:30

I am the one that is making this so hard. Whatever unrealistic expectations I am putting on myself is what is bogging me down. I am not superwoman, I am not perfect and can never be perfect. What is so great about completing a ton of tasks each day? It's a mindset I've bought into. Yes it is good to be organized and know what to expect. Children do thrive off routine and more gets accomplished, yet as my husband keeps telling me, do the best you can but if it doesn't all get done, work on it tomorrow.

I want to be a homemaker, not a housekeeper or taskmaster. I want our home to be a haven in the midst of this crazy world for all of us. I don't want my children to be inhibited from being creative because their mom is anal about making messes. Yes they should learn to keep their messes contained and be sure to clean them up, but still, gotta lighten up.

Anyways, I know that I've been talking a lot about all of this stuff, but it's what I'm wrestling with at present. Being a wife, mother and homemaker is like being a one-man band. I have all these different instruments I'm trying to juggle and play a perfect harmony with- every once in awhile I hit some clunker notes!


Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I often wonder how could I be so lonely when I have a home full of people. I did have a friend. She is currently struggling with addiction. We grew apart. I became a christian, wife, mother and she became an addict! I struggle finding friends with commomn intrest also. THANK THE LORD FOR INTERNET! Even though friends with shoulders to cry on and hands to hold are much better ;~}

Anonymous said...

Sorry forgot to say a few things.

I just wanted you to know that I really do undersand. I am struggling with the same things right now. I am trying to balance being child of God, a wife to my DH, a mother to my children.
I find encouragement in your blog. I appreciate your post. I find comfort knowing that there will be someone that understands. I don't know if it is weird to thank someone for their blog but, THANK YOU.

My Life With Boys said...

I know exactly how you feel! I swear you somehow got into my mind and wrote down my thoughts! ;) I too struggle with the lack of friends. I have my husband, my mom and my sisters. That's really about all. It's been quit a while since I have had any other really good friends. My husband is 12 1/2 years older than me and our joke is always that I'm too young and he's too old. No couple seem to want to spend time with us. We have recently met some nice couples in our church and we have seemed to hit it off pretty good. We'll see...hope you can find some friends with 'skin'. I can so relate! :::Hugs::: =)

*MichiganMomma* said...

I just wanted to say that with few exception, most women that I've ever talked with about this issue say they feel the same as you: no real close friend to actually talk to, call, feel comfortable with, etc. I think that's a very sad commentary on society and the church today. I mean, we are *supposed* to have fellowship with other believers ~ yet it seems for the most part, we have watered that down to mean coffee and doughnuts after church. That's not enough!!

So here we live, all alone, which is not what God wanted for our lives! Whew....don't get me started. Dh recently preached on unity within the church and such. I'm trying to break through with people at church, but we are all so conditioned at this point, it's hard to really make friends at all.

All to say, I feel your pain, girl....I feel your pain....

MAMA said...

I'll be your friend!!:) and I show lots of skin on my blog:) does that count:):):)
I agree with your post and it is a very common point for most moms....even if they don't let on.

Jess said...

I know what you mean, it is hard to find someone that you can connect with and who shares the same beliefs as you do. There are good christian moms out there but my problem is that when ask and I say I am going to homeschool my children or that I stay at home with them or that I am trying to make everything from scratch to save money or for us to be healthier I get this weird look and then they don't seem to want to talk, its like they don't know what to say or do around me anymore. I have no idea why, I don't get all bent out of shape when they don't do these things. Anyway I find that older women befriend me more then younger women. I guess in most ways I have more in common with older women. My best friends are my husband, mom and my grandmother. My grandmother is such a dear friend to me, she taught me to do all the sewing, quilting that I do. I have so many memories of days in my childhood when she taught me things.

So I guess maybe in some parts I am weird because one of my best friends is in her seventies. But hey I wouldn't have it anyother way. I am just thankful that the Lord is my very best friend and that he is always there.

Hang in there, this too shall pass : )

Vix said...

Yep, very very common. The only bit of wisdom I've ever heard on this is this... Its not our season. Yep, there is a season for everything under heaven. This is my season to homeschool my littles, nurse my babies and sing lulaby's. Later it will be my season for coffee and hanging out with friends. And somehow Im supposed to be okay w/ that. Im not really but knowing that this too shall pass helps. :)

Rachel said...

Vent away on the blog if you want :) It's your to do what you want, but I do know how you feel. When I vent I try to be really vague about things. My mood changes in no time and I don't want people thinking I'm sulking.

As far as friends.. same here. My neighborhood is really great. When my kids were little lots of moms stayed home and we would get togehter for coffee almost every morning and spend some time together. The kids became teens and our lives were all busy. I'm the youngest of the group and mine are still all at home. The others are now doing couples things again and we sit home because we still have our kids. I do have a very good friend that I do things with.. but limited.. well.. cause I have kids LOL It takes time to foster an adult friendship. When we are kids we have a lot of free time to devote making friends. Now I have to make time and have recently started doing that - a phone call, a night to dinner, a movie hubby didn't want to see, etc with friends. Now my husband is my best friend and I do girly things with my friends.. those things hubby doesn't want to do LOL So... you are not alone :0)

Laura said...

Oh, sweetie, I feel the same exact way! I've been struggling to "fit in" with another mom for ages, and it just doesn't ever work out. Now that we homeschool, our one social activity a week (music class) is made up of people who aren't necessarily Christians. Not bad people, just not "of the faith", kwim? And I enjoy their company, but I can't get closer to them on a deeper level because of the faith issue. And I'm NOT willing to compromise my faith for a friend.

I have two ladies I consider good friends: one is recently divorced (not by her choice) and now has to work FT, and her son is in PS full time; the other is a dear friend, also a SAHM, but she isn't planning to homeschool, so I know in time our paths will fall farther apart.

I just enjoy my time with my kids, my hubby, and pray that one day, some day, God places another mother in my path, so we can grow in Him together as we keep our homes.

I wish you lived in Central Texas - I'd be your friend! :-)

Hugs & Blessings!

Anneatheart said...

I had no idea I would strike such a chord amongst you all. I think it is rather sad that we don't have more women to be with. It seems as though in times past, people got together more often. While I don't expect to go out with friends all the time, it would be nice to have a family over once in awhile that is similar to us and we can have fun with.

Recently my best girlfriend kind of dumped me, so I guess that's where all of these thoughts came from. Hmmm, funny how we all have the same 'problem' yet we 'know' each other on the internet :)

Anonymous said...

I can relate to your post as well as the comments. It's so hard to connect with other moms, and I find that sometimes I get more stressed out trying to not feel judged by the friends I do make that it's almost not worth the effort. I know we as Christians are supposed to have all things in common, but if that means changing who I am, then I don't think that's the Lord's plan at all! Hang in there! You are not alone!

Amity said...

HOenstly the only friend I talk to on a regular basis is my sister and I only get to see her twice a year!! Other than that the few other friends I have I talk to by e-mail or the phone 3 times a year tops and that is it!! We go to my in-laws house every Sunday and I do have all my sister's in-laws but I never talk to or see them outside of the few hours on Sunday. Now that I think about it I don't even know one "real life" person
who is "like-minded" or even a believer for that matter. Honestly even the "friends" I have on the computer only leave comments on my blog here and there and I don't talk to any one by e-mail. Hmmmm...no wonder as of late I feel like I am going insane ;-)

As far as the house thing..I am a perfectionest so I understand where you are coming from there. Be thankful that your Hubby says do the best you can but if it doesn't all get done, work on it tomorrow. Lets just say my Hubby has very high standards about what he thinks should be done every day. I find myself crying in frusteration often that I can't quite live up to those standards...Uh..well..I am sorry I have rambled on and on..I guess that is due to the fact that I don't get to "talk" very often..hehe.:-)

Anonymous said...

I have always found that to be the same problem amongst christian moms. When I was single with my christian friends it was different. I have since married and moved to the state and church that my husband is from and over 10 years now I have found perhaps 2 friends within the church that I feel I can really be myself around.

Perhaps it's a combo of me and other sisters struggling with not having close, good friends to share and sharpen one another. Perhaps the struggle is pride, not wanting to let one that they are a bit lonely, and me not letting on either. not sure because i assume they are all chatting and meeting up together. In some casses thats been the case and it has really made me weap at times for not being included. It's all sounds a bit immature but it's how I have felt at times, left out. It's truly sad like another sister in the lord said that this happens especially amongst one another. I wonder why this happens, especially after kids. perhaps it's the time factor, being exauhsted no time for close friends but at the same time we as woman so crave a friendship like that.

My mom is my best friend and my sisters. And of late I have found a gem of a friendship with a few though we cannot get together as often as we'd like.

Lets not give up- we shouldn't, jesus didn't on us. It takes one to be volunarable to another, transparent and that takes humbleness because the "Miss. perfect home/hubby/kids" wall needs to come down. We'll get hurt by it sometimes but the bible clearer states we need to love, love love one another, the greatest is love. Jesus gave his life, he alone I have learned stands true and faithful to the end. But i do feel we'll all find a friend true and honarble wether it be a mom or sister even. Perhaps even we aren't giving all our attention to him seeking him even to fulfill these needs.

Well just some thoughts from a christian mom who has experienced that exact same thing.

Thanks for being so honest and bringing this out. I hope we can reach out and be a friend and keep loving and not withdraw though it may mean getting hurt and shut out we will be obeying God and being faithful to His word. =)

Blessings to you and yours! ;)