I got rid of yesterday's post. I find that sometimes in needing 'someone' understanding to talk to, I vent on my blog. While this isn't a bad thing, it's just not what I want to do. I feel that I tend to do that a lot. Part of the problem is I don't have friends.
Wow that was hard to say. My husband is my best friend, then next is my mom. But, to have another friend who is a young woman with a young family staying home and managing it- nope. At least not in the flesh. (well I have met Candy, but that was in the summer and we live too far away to 'see' each other regularly)
What is strange to me is that for almost five years I've been attending MOPS, and in all that time I have yet to meet someone who wants a friend. It seems I am always the one having to initiate getting together with someone or trying really, really hard to create a friendship. And all my friends that are still single are living on another planet right now- their lives are just so very different from mine, it's hard to find common ground.
What's the deal? Is it because I have a bunch of little kids? Do I talk too much, eat weird food, laugh too loud?? Am I too big? What gives? I am a social person, and unfortunately, men think that if we're in the same room we're having quality time, LOL. (dh revealed this to me the other day) So, I have the internet, and of course, the Holy Spirit. But, it's nice to have someone with skin :)
I say all of this in jest, but it's still hard to understand. For most of my life it seems that after awhile I get cast off by my 'best friends' like 'you've served your purpose now I don't need you anymore'. Thank God He won't leave me.
Because of my chosen life, and me realizing the value of such a life, of course the enemy is going to try to confuse me and stress me out. One issue is cleaning- I've been burned about that before, so it's a tender spot and I get all bent out of shape if things aren't up to the right standards, whosever they are. They certainly aren't mine as I've said before, I wasn't a great housekeeper the first few years of marriage.
As I was driving rather sleepily this morning, the Lord spoke to me about it.
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:30
I am the one that is making this so hard. Whatever unrealistic expectations I am putting on myself is what is bogging me down. I am not superwoman, I am not perfect and can never be perfect. What is so great about completing a ton of tasks each day? It's a mindset I've bought into. Yes it is good to be organized and know what to expect. Children do thrive off routine and more gets accomplished, yet as my husband keeps telling me, do the best you can but if it doesn't all get done, work on it tomorrow.
I want to be a homemaker, not a housekeeper or taskmaster. I want our home to be a haven in the midst of this crazy world for all of us. I don't want my children to be inhibited from being creative because their mom is anal about making messes. Yes they should learn to keep their messes contained and be sure to clean them up, but still, gotta lighten up.
Anyways, I know that I've been talking a lot about all of this stuff, but it's what I'm wrestling with at present. Being a wife, mother and homemaker is like being a one-man band. I have all these different instruments I'm trying to juggle and play a perfect harmony with- every once in awhile I hit some clunker notes!