November 20, 2008


Wow, this is the first time I've been online all day and it's 11:11 pm!

Today was a really hard day. The only explanation I can give is that I was under some major spiritual warfare. Just seemingly out of the blue I felt lost and like what I do isn't worthwhile and depressed and so on. I mean, it was a real attack from satan. The reason I know this is because I've been working extra hard to fill in all free time with Bible study, watching sermons online, prayer etc. And, when it finally lifted, there was a feeling of great relief. My children sensed my struggle and played on it by doing every terrible thing they could think of too.

But through it all, I still managed to do the basics as well as the week's baking and some school work with Alexa. I just spent a lot of time face down on my bed crying and praying as well. The enemy was trying to get me to look at other women, and how they were wives and mothers yet also had a career. They 'had it all'. And all I did each day was clean house, care for children and cook. And too, I just sometimes feel like I'm not the greatest mom either.

So my flesh was raring up, crying out that it wasn't fair that I gave up my desire to do mission work, my desire to go to Bible school etc. to stay home with babies. But in reality, I could have done all of those things, but God specifically told me that He wanted me to marry and have children. Then I say, Lord, I'm tired of always serving and giving and pouring myself out all the time. Will I get a break from it? This is what He says: (paraphrased)

"Whoever loses his life for my sake shall find it."
"Do not grow weary in well doing, for in a due season you shall reap a harvest..."
" The first shall be last and the last shall be first..."
"For we wrestle not against flesh, but against principalities and powers..."
"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds."

There is such great pressure on us today- it's because the time is at hand for Jesus to return for the bride- me! Pressure to do everything right, to look right, for the kids to act right, be the best wife, the best mother, the best homemaker, the healthiest, the most organized, the most frugal and so on. Really, the main thing is that we do our very best, as unto the Lord. It doesn't matter if it's perfect in the world's eyes.

I need to take my own advice :)


Anonymous said...

You are so right! I struggle with this a lot. It's not fair that others get to have jobs, kids, husbands, money, friends, homes, and it seems like they have it all and I sit here alone with nothing. But they really don't have it ALL. Because if they did, they would realize that if they had the important things in life, then they would give up the things that were not so important to keep safe those things that are important. Satan always tries to distroy his temple doesn't he? You, my friend, are his temple. Build it so he may live in you. Be thankful that you are not allowed to go running from house to house saying things you ought not. Be glad in your heart that God has chosen you to be special and set apart from the rest of the world. Praise God you have the salvation of Christ and that you do not have to live like others do. YOU, are chosen!
Hugs and Blessings,

ElleBee said...

It is hard sometimes to listen to God's quiet voice when the world is screaming in our ears! Hang in there and just keep listening to Him! Blessings!

prayzgod said...

You've won an award:

Anonymous said...

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate how real you are. The simple fact that you share your struggles with others, including a mom of soon to be 3 like me, is so sweet. It is good to know that what we ALL go through is not uncommon and that God does provide a way out. Thank you for your honesty. It is SOOOOO refreshing! Oh, and BTW, I've been reading long enough and you are transparent enough with you readers for me to know, without a doubt, that you are a GREAT mom, wife and daughter of the King! Keep fighting the good fight!

Amy said...

Hi. This is my first time to visit here. Just wanted to say that the Lord used you in sharing this. I am a SAHM Mom of 3 chidren under the age of 4. I had a similar experience one day last week. It was like out of the blue I was attacked with negative thoughts and depression. It was like a grey rain cloud stopped over me and dumped out a storm on my head! I wondered, "Why in the world am I feeling like this? I am doing everything right--praying, staying in the Word, keeping my home, loving my husband and putting him first. Where is my joy?" Anyway, I prayed myself through it and soon it passed. But it was so scarey. You know, if we weren't doing the right thing, Satan would never fight us, because we wouldn't be a threat. People are watching our lives and wondering....God is using won't always be easy but He will always give us strength to make it through. Thanks!

Anneatheart said...

I am continually amazed that each time I post about something I am struggling with, I get lots of responses that others are also being attacked. It is good to know that I'm not the only one- thank the Lord we have the internet and blogs to connect to one another!