Wow, this is the first time I've been online all day and it's 11:11 pm!
Today was a really hard day. The only explanation I can give is that I was under some major spiritual warfare. Just seemingly out of the blue I felt lost and like what I do isn't worthwhile and depressed and so on. I mean, it was a real attack from satan. The reason I know this is because I've been working extra hard to fill in all free time with Bible study, watching sermons online, prayer etc. And, when it finally lifted, there was a feeling of great relief. My children sensed my struggle and played on it by doing every terrible thing they could think of too.
But through it all, I still managed to do the basics as well as the week's baking and some school work with Alexa. I just spent a lot of time face down on my bed crying and praying as well. The enemy was trying to get me to look at other women, and how they were wives and mothers yet also had a career. They 'had it all'. And all I did each day was clean house, care for children and cook. And too, I just sometimes feel like I'm not the greatest mom either.
So my flesh was raring up, crying out that it wasn't fair that I gave up my desire to do mission work, my desire to go to Bible school etc. to stay home with babies. But in reality, I could have done all of those things, but God specifically told me that He wanted me to marry and have children. Then I say, Lord, I'm tired of always serving and giving and pouring myself out all the time. Will I get a break from it? This is what He says: (paraphrased)
"Whoever loses his life for my sake shall find it."
"Do not grow weary in well doing, for in a due season you shall reap a harvest..."
" The first shall be last and the last shall be first..."
"For we wrestle not against flesh, but against principalities and powers..."
"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds."
There is such great pressure on us today- it's because the time is at hand for Jesus to return for the bride- me! Pressure to do everything right, to look right, for the kids to act right, be the best wife, the best mother, the best homemaker, the healthiest, the most organized, the most frugal and so on. Really, the main thing is that we do our very best, as unto the Lord. It doesn't matter if it's perfect in the world's eyes.
I need to take my own advice :)