Well I hope everyone has had a nice Easter. The dinner went well on Good Friday; my mom helped me with the cooking and preparations and it was much easier. The lamb was good too- very expensive though. Unfortunately not very many people showed up. I sort of felt like the man in the parable that Jesus talks of- he prepared a large banquet and invited lots of people to come. They didn't come so he told the servants to go out and find all the people they could so the banquet would be full. I don't know if I'll be doing the meal again next year- a lot of work for not a lot of response.
I wanted to ask for prayers and advice. Before I got married the Lord made it clear to me that His plan for me was to be a wife and a mother. But lately, I've been failing and I guess losing my purpose. I'm doing pretty well in the wife role, but not so well with the mothering part. I know that I am in a challenging stage of motherhood right now- my girls are still little and I do have a special needs child. But my middle daughter has been exhibiting some very bad behaviors lately.
I realized that I am not the mama I envisioned myself to be. I haven't read any of them a book in I don't know how long. I constantly shoo them away while I'm cleaning or cooking. I have been raising my voice a lot. I don't have much joy in raising my children. I thought it was because they were the problem- ungrateful, unappreciative, uncooperative, selfish, not listening or paying attention. But, as I've been reading from the archives at No Greater Joy's website, I realize that it's not their fault. They feed off of me, and if I have the attitude that they aren't 'good' and am emotional or constantly disapproving of them, then how are they going to 'shape up'? It is very humbling to admit this. I feel guilty and like a failure. I'm one of those parents that is consistent for a few days and then something comes up and I slack off- bad thing to do. It is SO hard to be 100% consistent all the time though! I'm only one person-there's three children!
So anyways, I am praying that God would change my heart and help me to change my ways. I know if I train my girls and make that a priority, then I will have more time and help with things around the house later. It's just hard to get out of the mentality of getting everything done to my standards everyday. I want to enjoy being with my little girls and do the fun things they want for me to do. I want their hearts and for them to desire to please Matt and I. I feel sad and ashamed for allowing myself to get to this point. I am very thankful that children are so forgiving and willing to start over easily. I ask that you pray for patience in me and self control- no yelling or anger. I can't do this without Him.