June 9, 2009

How did it go?

Yesterday went pretty well, schedule wise. Not so well attitude wise. My children were very grumpy and whiney, probably from overtiredness from the weekend. This was a huge challenge for me to not fall into the same grumpiness, which I did some, but got out of it somehow :) I was actually able to get about everything done, except I didn't do a lot of cleaning- the house wasn't too bad and the grumpiness took precedence over mopping the floors. We also had a flooding toilet and a blood splattering incident...no mopping worked out fine :)

Today I changed things a tad. My husband was up late trying to find some papers for our loan and I didn't get to spend much time with him. So this morning I got dressed and made my bed, then let the girls get up so we could see him for awhile before he left. No big deal, they just got dressed and tidied the bedroom after they ate. Today I'm supposed to work in my kitchen, which will be baking bread, soaking some things, maybe baking cookies, cleaning out the refrigerator and microwave and scrubbing my sink. I am actually almost caught up with laundry, a massive accomplishment for me :) Hopefully I will be able to get things ready to do a sewing video for ya too.

I am curious to know how many of you deal with an overly busy husband. For those of us who stay at home, life can be pretty um, the same. We do have interesting things that happen and sometimes it can get really crazy, but for the most part, daily life is routine. I find myself sometimes falling into a feeling sorry for myself trap, because I am always here. The work I do is the same over and over again and much of it is completely ignored and/or unappreciated.

Because of the lack of adults in my life, I get very 'needy' of my husband's time. The past week or so, things have come up every evening, and he is busy and I'm too tired to work on anything, so many times I'm literally just sitting. I feel very disconnected when I barely spend any time with him, yet he really can't help it. And forget any romance!

This morning I was a bit preturbed because I had no idea when he went to bed last night and in order to see him I got up early and made him breakfast etc. Well he spent all morning time searching again for these papers and was in a bad mood and ran out the door. He did tell me sorry for having our papers in such a bad order, but still, to me it didn't make up for the time I wanted. However, what is the proper response here? He has to go to work, has to have these papers to meet with the guy for our home loan, or he has to finish his work so others can get on with their work, or he has to get music ready for church etc. I can feel dejected and lonely, which I do at times.

How do you not fall into the trap of self pity? I can think of all that I am doing and how it's not noticed, and then feel justified that I'm being mistreated, when in reality there is nothing to be done here- he is doing his best. He is just plain TOO busy to even think about other things sometimes, which is the fault of his job and his one track mind, lol.

Remembering that God sees what I'm doing does help a little, but sometimes it's very hard to get my emotions under control. When I see less of my husband or get very little attention from him, this is what starts going through my mind:

I am un-interesting therefore he doesn't find time to be with me.

I am fat and unattractive now and that's why he doesn't make time to pay attention to me.

I don't do a good enough job around the house for him to pay attention to it.

The food I make is no longer that great therefore he doesn't notice it much.

I don't do enough around the house therefore he has to work on it and we don't have time. (yard work etc.)

I don't complain much about pregnancy ailments therefore he thinks I'm perfectly fine all the time and pays no attention to extra needs.

All these things lead me down a path of feeling unworthy, unsuccessful, and unhappy. Yes, it should come up in his brain to think about me some each day, but my worth isn't defined by his response. My worth is defined by the fact that I was created in the image of God. If I am doing what He commands, then I really don't have to worry. I know my husband loves me and is not intentionally trying to ignore or hurt my feelings. But being the female I am, I remember the times when we were first married or courting and how attentive he was and wonder what happened. Well, our lives changed is what happened!

So, all these feelings I get into are really based in fear. Fear of failure, of not measuring up to what my husband wants or needs, not being the best. But Jesus tells us not to be afraid, so I need to work on that. I'm glad for this revelation because I never realized all these feelings were fear. Now I know and can do something about it.

Ok, got a little off topic there. I'm still interested in what others do or think when they feel a bit neglected though. Maybe we can help each other.

******Edited to add: Just thought I'd mention that last night my husband came home with a small bouquet of flowers and spent the evening with me. I guess he sensed what I was feeling, even though I hadn't really said much to him about it. Thanks for all the encouraging words ladies. I am a slight perfectionist, so I want to make sure I do everything right! I forget about unconditional love :)


Mrs. Darling said...

You know what? We women always overevaluate things, I have been married for 20 years and I can tell you that this kind of thinking is not the kind of thinking thats going on in your husbands mind.

Turth be told he is so busy because he's doing it all for the family and because he loves you guys. He's not doing all this for an overweight unlovable woman. He's doing it for the sweet woman he is in love with. He doesnt see you like you see yourself.

When you are busy you dont over analyze things. My advice to you would be to get some girl friends; other mothers with children your age, and do things with them. If there is a local Moms Club that might be a good way to start. You can make lasting friends through these clubs.

As a result of joining one 11 years ago now four of us families from the playgroup have become fast friends. Even our husbands are friends. We go camping together and have impromptu BBQ's as families and as women we have ladies night out. The children that were a year old that formed the play group are now 12 years old!

If you want to feel needed and vital in your husbands life you will just have to take time at night to rub his back when he's resting or give him a foot messsage. At dinner be sure to ask about his day. Make him feel like you are more than just that woman keeping house. You are his friend, his confidant, Foster the feeling of being a team!

Ashley said...

I am just like that. I am reading a great book called "Passionate Housewives Desperate for God" that talks about how valuable you are as a wife, mother, and homemaker. As far as the needing time with him, my husband and I are working on having a scheduled date night each week or every other weekend. If money is an issue for date nights, maybe you can get the kids and plan that you both will spend time together and do nothing else. Easier said than done, but worth a shot. Or you could even go through the book "The 5 Love Languages" with him and identify each others' and work on a plan to meet each others. It sounds like you are quality time and words of affirmation. Suggest he plan that time and say nice things to you on purpose so you know he loves you and appreciates you. You have to hold up the other half of the bargain once you find out his. My husband knows that I need some quality time and to hear nice things. I know that he likes things done for him (like ironing his work pants). It really helps our marriage when we do these things for one another. Sorry to be long, but I think these things might help. Above all, remember that you are God's special creation and He put you where you are at the time you are for a reason. He has a definite plan and purpose for your life (even if it feels routine). :) PS Good job on the routines and keeping up with them. I got a ton of help from that post.

Tereza said...

I have a very busy husband!! for many years now. Like you I also know he loves me but just is too busy in his mind to think of anything else as priority! But of courese I'd rather not print in detail about this on the great wide web but your email addy is buried somewhere!
So anyways just know you are not alone and your worth is completely independent of what he does/says/doesn't do!!

Anneatheart said...

Tereza- my email is sundholm5@yahoo.com

Mrs. Darling- yes, it would be good to have some friends. Believe me, I've tried really hard to make some in this town. In fact I have joined three different mom groups (MOPS) and almost every attempt to make a friendship flopped. It just seems like everyone is too busy to have friends, or something. Hopefully when we move to a different town in a few weeks I can try again :)

I have heard of the book the 5 Love languages and read some of it. My husband seems to be the kind who appreciates things done for him- especially me making his lunch for work, lol. Yes I realize I have a part to play and while I do ok I could do better. I'm just as busy though, so it's hard to remember, especially with pregnant brain!

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Darling is right on!
However, I totally can empathize with you, Jessica, because I find it is very difficult to find friends who are actually interested in friendship ~ I either find women are too busy, or they are the type that are so overwhelming they eat me alive. Moving doesn't always solve the problem either because most of the women have established friendships and don't have the time for new ones.

I look for women in twos... or the wall-flower whom nobody talks to. It has worked a couple of times, but backfired as well. The "twos" are sometimes the type that can have only one friend at a time ~ and sometimes the wall-flower is a difficult friendship for one reason or another.

This is tough ~ but keep praying for a special friendship. That's what I'm doing!!

My hubby works odd hours that destroy any hope of good, adult socialization :o) I find I get resentful of this from time to time, so I constantly remind myself how it certainly isn't ideal for him either. He loves his job, but it takes SO much of his time. The things I do are: get busy with projects and interests. If I don't have time to actually do the project, I can research it for when I do have time. I keep the nest cozy and neat, ask what he needs me to do so he can just rest when he gets home, ask what meals he's in the mood for. Never ask with pen and paper or he'll think he's being quizzed. Men hate quizzes!! And remember ~ that pregnancy is proof that he is attracted to you!!!!

Hugs to you, dear sister in Christ,

Anneatheart said...

Heather- I had to laugh at that last sentence; yes, the amount of times I've been pregnant in such a short period should be proof of attractiveness huh?

My Life With Boys said...

I'll admit that those thoughts run through my head way too much! Sadly I think and feel the same way when my husband gets busy. Even as much as he tries to convince me other-wise. Words don't seem to be enough for me. I feel loved when he spends 'time' with me. Even though he feels like the time he spends 'away' working is his way of showing us he loves us. Men are made so very,very different than us, women. They are made to provide and when they are not working they feel guilty and like they're not doing the job God has intended them to do. I've struggled with so many of the same things you have. It's actually quite strange. We were both married young, both to older men, both have many,small children, both struggle with feeling lonely and needing friends. I am also very needy when it comes to needing my husband's love and attention. I'm still growing and maturing. I still have a long way to go! Keep your chin up and know you are not alone. By the way- I think your are a very beautiful, sweet, soft-spoken woman- your husband is probably very proud to call you his wife! =)

(I also felt like my husband wasn't as attracted to me when I was prego. I now feel like he's not as attracted to me because I have another 18 pounds to lose of 'baby' weight. Once I lose it though then it'll be something else. It's a vicious cycle. I think we are just a little too hard on ourselves.)

Anneatheart said...

Aww, thanks so much Sarah. I think men just have no idea how much we women can struggle with self image. Even if they think good things about us, they don't realize they need to speak it out loud to us.

I notice that generally I get to feeling this way during the week when it's so busy. On the weekends we're together mostly, so I do better. Still, it would be nice if he had a little more time to notice, or to be able to say he noticed.

Kat said...

"Truth be told he is so busy because he's doing it all for the family and because he loves you guys." ~ Mrs. Darling~

Mrs. Darling is right on the money as my husband, who works about 70 hours a week, pretty much told me those exact words. I do have friends that I can lean on when I feel like I need to talk or feel lonely, so I hope that in your new house and in your new town you can form some really deep friendships. My husband also knows my need for him and his time. Time from him just for me. He does try, and sometimes I just have to remember he's doing the best he can. I will also say he tells me from time to time that he's not a mind reader and that if I need something I need to let him know. To women things are so obvious...to men not so much ;)

*Michigan Momma* said...

Ok, you need to read the short book, "The Invisible Woman: A Special Story for Mothers". It can be a quick read, but after I was done the first time, I went back and re-read it *much* slower, soaking it all in.

It's AWESOME!! It addresses how many of us feel, why we may feel that way and what is really important. I *LOVE* this book!

I also second the friend comments. Just keep trying. It takes me YEARS to really connect with people....I just keep going to get-togethers, to Bible studies, to ladies events, whatever (as I am able) and keep trying. EVENTUALLY, you will find a woman or two who you begin to connect with. That friendship is *such* a blessing and well worth the time it takes me to make them.

Keep praying, keep lovin' on your man, God will bless your efforts!