September 16, 2008

Isolation


I live in a friendly community. I am surrounded by the people I go to church with and well, grew up with. I see them driving or walking by almost everyday.

Yet, I still feel isolated. Alone during the day. Why is that? Well, the grandmother of everyone (not us) whom we rent from is confined to a wheelchair and can't get around. I can visit, but it's a pain with the girls because while I'm trying to talk with her they are off meddling and it's so hard to keep them all with me. The other neighbor is also handicapped and she works on the computer all day long and absolutely cannot have any noise going on or she will get in trouble with her boss. (she takes calls/orders for companies) The other neighbor is newly married, sleeps till noon and has her own things going on. We do hang out, but not everyday or anything.

I have created somewhat our own family culture that is very different from what everyone else does. Maybe that's where the isolation comes from. What's important to me isn't to others. They are constantly telling me, " I don't know how you do all that with three kids." Well, maybe if you visited you'd find out!

Maybe I seem too busy or something, but I think it's because they don't understand what I'm doing. They don't understand why I hang laundry on a clothesline when I have a dryer. They don't understand why I sew our clothes instead of buying from walmart. They don't understand why I make bread and cook from scratch instead of buying it. Or why we are having a fall garden, or why we are building a chicken coop. What is important to us is not important to others, even though they are the sweetest Christian people I know. There are differences.

We are just different- if I had millions of dollars do you know what I would do? Pay all my and my family's debts off and then buy a farm. I want an old, refurbished farm house with a giant red barn, plenty of land for gardening and playing, a large wrap around porch, and a massive clothesline. That's it. Oh, and grain mill too :) I enjoy the work that is involved in taking care of a home and family the old, slower way. I've been that way since I watched Anne of Green Gables for the first time at the age of 8 years old. My husband is with me- he really enjoys being outside and watching the plants grow and building the chicken pen. He thrives on it and wishes he could stop being a computer programmer. I might be willing to move to Upper Michigan if we could farm and live next to his cousins that farm with 9 kids :) I don't now if I could handle 6 months of frigid cold weather though...major culture shock.



Some days, I feel really alone. All of my 'mom friends' are now back at work because their kids are in school. All of my single friends have ditched me...my mom is crazy busy and so is my sister. Pretty much everyone I know either works or is disabled. I don't go to MOPS anymore because it just doesn't do much for me. I've tried making new relationships there before and no one wanted to let me into their lives. I'm just too different I guess.

So, that leaves you, my blog friends :) I know that I am not alone at all, but I really struggled with this last week. Being cooped up in the house for several days made it seem worse too. (rain)
Doing the same things, over and over and over, each day just like the other...just kind of got to me. I believe the work in the home is very important and I guess that's the big difference between me and most other women I know. Unfortunately, my dear husband catches it all and I have a hard time letting him do what he wants because I'm so hungry for adult conversation and loving attention from him :)

So, if you've never commented before, feel free too. I could certainly use some friends :)

24 comments:

ccsmomma said...

You have described perfectly the feeling I feel during most winters when we're stuck indoors. I'm different. My focus on family and making and doing it from scratch sets me apart. (The fact that I'm a younger homeschooling mom cements the fact that I'm "wierd.") Sometimes the sameness of everyday can really grate on a person. It makes me feel what I affectionatly refer to as "squirrel-y." You know, running around looking for something to do..climbing the tree over and over again looking for nuts. I haven't found an absolute cure...except that fresh air helps and more frequent outings help. And when I feel really blah and lonely, nothing fills me up quicker than turning on some great music and getting lost in the Lord.

Shannon said...

You've taken the words right out of my mouth!

I live in the county each of my neighbors is 1/4 of a mile away and they don't have kids. We never talk. I like doing things the old fashioned way too. My family thinks I'm nuts!

Lots of hugs my friend! :)

Vix said...

I so hear you lady! I feel so isolated most of the time. Trying to stay home more, homeschooling, having many children and in my westernized town where most everyone WORKs and has 2.5 kids or less is hard. My bloggyland friends are my lifeline. At least here I can have somewhat an adult conversation.. :)

Jess said...

It can be very hard at times to be at home all the time. Especially if it is bad weather and you can't get the kids outside to burn off all that energy they store up. Here lately we have been on the go, the month of September has started rough for my whole family and then it just got busier. My grandmother went into the hospital with chest pains. We spent several days around the clock taking turns being there with her. They couldn't get the chest pains to stop but she really wasn't having a heart attack but all her test were strange and finally they decided she need a heart cath and they was pretty sure a stint but they didn't know if they could but one in in the location of her heart. I pulled the daytime shift and yes I took my kids along. Some of my family admired me for not leaving them with a babysitter, some thought I was crazy for bringing them. My sister left her son at our aunts and was going to leave him there all night until I told her I would pick him up. How did I handle my children, took lots of books, paper and pencils, some toys, snacks and drinks. They were really good and did a really good job.

Anyways my grandmother got out of that hospital and went the next week to a bigger hospital to have her operation. We all prayed hard for her. The same day she went to have her operation my brother and his wife went to have their baby. I again packed up my kids and went to the hospital to be there for my brother, my mother and father was with my grandmother. My sister in law had some difficulties and had to have a csection, I was so glad that I had went to support my brother he really needed it. I called my father to let him know what was going on and that my sister in law was going into surgery, the same time she went in my grandmother was going in for surgery too. It was awesome that our Lord could be with both of them at the same time in two different locations. We all couldn't be at one place and we couldn't be with them in the surgery rooms but our God can ! :)
He brought both of them thru just fine or I should say all three because my little neice was born that day. My grandmother did not have to have a stint, the Lord saw fit to heal her, she just needed a cath.

Then my oldest got sick and is just now getting over that. This week is pretty calm. I am here helping my brother and his wife when they need it. I cooked for them yesterday. I am also tidying up the house and getting caught up on our homeschooling. However next week is busy again, I have a doctors appointment and so does my son.

Sorry to ramble I just had a wonderful experience with the power of God and wanted to share.

However before this month I too was feeling a little isolated. We are human we can't help to feel that way at times. But I remind myself that what I am doing is the best for me and my family and it is what the Lord wants me to do.

Like you I do a lot of stuff on my own and a lot of people don't know how I do it with young children. But I believe God helps me and gives me the strength to do it all.

Just keep doing the great job you are doing and know that what you are doing is very very important. The Lord will bless you for all your hard work.

God bless :)

Crystal said...

I am with you on this one. I live in a big neighborhood and I really don't socialize with anyone around here. (except the 80 year old lady 2 doors down) I guess people see me as the overprotective skirt wearing lady who homeschools her children and keeps them very sheltered. LOL! I guess my standards are pretty different than other peoples around here. I am going to meet some more homeschooling families at the park this afternoon but I don't like to do that very often because I don't feel like I quite fit in with them either. My world revolves around my family. My dream is to live on a farm too. I tell my DH all time that I wish he could work from home. Any way any time you want to talk, I'm here.

Shannon L. Fowler said...

I know exactly how you feel, since I feel the same way a lot of times. I tell my husband I don't have any friends, only my online friends. The only people we "hang out" with is our married daughter and her husband and 2 children.

I used to have some fairly close friends, the Lord always sent me a best friend when I needed it the most. When we started searching for a different Church, our friends stayed & we didn't, so we didn't stay in contact anymore. Then my REALLY REALLY best friend moved back to Canada a few years ago & I have had nobody since then. My family is in Michigan and I'm in North Carolina, but even if I lived by them, I wouldn't exactly "buddy up" to them, they are not Christian, and have foul mouths & always drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes like a train. It is really hard to be around them. :(

So, my dh is my best friend & I too probably chatter way too much to him!! LOL If I didn't have the internet and all my online buddies, I don't know what I would do! LOL

You can e-mail me anytime you need an ear! Shannon@PositivePrayers.com

I gotta run because my dd & dgd's just got here & we're going to eat some pizza!!

God Bless,
Shannon in NC

Amity said...

Hmmm....my best friend is my sister who lives 3 hours away, I only talk to her once or twice a week. I have another family that are friends but we only see them once or twice a year. And that is it. We see hubby's family every sunday and I chat with my sister-in-laws but as they are all VERY different then me that is the only time I talk to them. Maybe I am somewhat strange but I don't mind just being here with my family everyday....Whenever I have had people try to be friends with me they always wanted to go do stuff. All. The. Time. And I didn't so they lost interest. 'course I have never met anybody around here that is anything like me AT ALL. Anyways I don't know what I am rambling about but I will be your internet friend :-)

My dream is the same as yours if I suddenly had tons of money..besides helping out my family..I would find some acrerage and an old farm house. I would have my own huge garden, cows, horses, goats, chickens and all. But I don't know if my dh would go for it..lol...he is a city boy :-)

Robyn said...

I know exactly how you feel, and I used to worry about it, but now I don't. It's hard to be isolated, and it's hard to do everything opposite of what the world is doing.

We've found, though, that being isolated for so long has refined us, and as the years go by our need for lots of friends and socializing is leaving. We're more happy being at home than going somewhere, and it takes a lot to drag us away from our home, now. :-)

It was very tough to be so isolated for the past few years, but our family is stronger and closer now that we've been so isolated for so long.

We wouldn't have it any other way.

I know that maddeningly-lonely feeling, and my DH used to take the brunt of my need for adult conversation as soon as he walked in the door. ;-) That's why I started a blog. The good thing about internet friendships is, you can pick and choose and find like-minded friends very easily. :-)

(((HUGS))) it gets better with time.

Joy Comes in the Morning said...

I so know how ya feel. I live in a rural area and everyone still thinks we are crazy. People are chatty with us until they find out we are God serving, homeschooling, homesteading family and then they are not so buddy buddy. We are the only homeschooling family of small children in the county that I know of, so no support groups. I guess the only support I really get is from my mil and my dh's cousin and his fiance. Mil is very old fashioned and we are alot alike. Dh's cousin and his fiance actually helped me on the decision to homeschool. They had both just graduated at the time. They have expressed the desire to homeschool their children when they have them that is. And they love my hm bread LOL. I also get tons of support from blog land. It is so nice to be able to connect with people even if they don't live in your area. I always thought I was strange right down to those Anne of Green Gables movies too. I always wanted to mommy everyone and I wanted to do the right thing always. I even loved to squish mud between my toes as a kid....Ok maybe in the garden, I still do that one!!!!! I will be praying for ya. Hang in there....we do this for God and our family, not for everyone else.. He didn't say it would be easy, he just said it will be worth it;)

jesnicole said...

WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY TOWN---OUT IN THE COUNTRY FROM THE TOWN. I'VE NOT BEEN BLESSED WITH LIVING NEAR MY FAMILY SINCE I'VE BEEN MARRIED. MY BEST FRIENDS LIVE HOURS AWAY FROM ME. AND OF COURSE, LIKE MOST WIVES, MY HUSBAND IS USUALLY GONE TO YOU KNOW, PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE. NOT TO MENTION THIS PAST WINTER MY MOMMA (WHOM I TALKED TO ALL DAY LONG ON THE PHONE, WHOM KEPT ME GOING THROUGHOUT THE DAYS...) WENT TO BE WITH THE LORD. I HAVE FELT THIS SAME LONELINESS. I PRAY THAT GOD BRINGS YOU COMFORT AND HOPE, EVEN THOUGH THESE FEELINGS MAY CONTINUE TO COME. THAT'S PART OF THE REASON I WRITE SO MUCH POETRY, IT'S A HUGE OUTLET FOR ME. I HOPE SEEING ALL THE COMMENTS ON YOUR BLOG HAS ENCOURAGED YOU!! :) IF I WERE THERE, I'D GIVE YOU A BIG OL' HUG!!!! THIS VERSE HAVE GOTTEN ME THROUGH THE PAST YEAR:

"YOU HAVE TAKEN ACCOUNT OF MY WANDERINGS; PUT MY TEARS IN YOUR BOTTLE. ARE THEY NOT IN YOUR BOOK?" *PSALM 56:8

IT'S BEEN SUCH A COMFORT TO KNOW THAT GOD IS WITH ME EVERY SINGLE TIME I'M DOWN AND LONELY, AND WHEN I CRY....EVEN WHEN I HAVE FELT LIKE THERE'S NOBODY TO LEAN ON. I HOPE THIS ENCOURAGED YOU.

Anonymous said...

Believe me, if one likes homekeeping (besides when the kids are young and you have more on your hands then).... one can be middle aged and have friends who 'don't get it'. Three women friends of mine are always 'out and about'. They figure they're kids are grown. They never have me over, or...in the case of one, the home is in complete chaos, like a bomb exploded. Oh, I have gone over and had a visit. However, all three like to spend time ON THE PHONE (not me); going out alot (not me). Visiting for tea? Alien concept for them. I have been offered to 'drop in', but weirdly, although I'm not a clean freak nor a snob about it, they won't visit here!! Arghh!!! I have scratched my head, shed some lonely tears..... and do count my blessings. But....homekeeping is not something the majority of the women in my neck of the woods enjoy. 'Out and about' is the theme, it seems. The rest are working (something I'll resume when our young one is an adult). I get invited to crazy things like Atlantic City (!!!) or to be picked up (no car), brought to the lady's home (this is the bomb-wreck) for the day and dropped off. I am discouraged. At least this post let me know I'm not the only one going through this.

Eileen

janet parks said...

oh honey try not to feel lonely ,even if you dont know it you are raising your best friends when i was a very young mother i got lonely too ,i thought i needed the outside world but i didnt the lord finaly saw me thru all that and gave me peace at home with my husband and children now they have to beat me out of the house lol
i have 8 6 girls 2 boy 28-7 years if you want to talk to an old lady just let me know

VictoriousMommy said...

Girl I am with ya! You are not alone and you have lots of friends here!

Anonymous said...

Hello my favorite blogger,
I am what they call a shut-in. I have raised 4 kids and none of them come...ever. The only one I get to see is my husband. I had my sixth stroke two weeks ago and am confined to a wheelchair. I have no feeling in my left side. I spend my long lonely days with bloggers like you and God. I am 43. You are one that keeps my chin up. I love reading about your happenings, feelings and every day life. When I feel down and frustrated, I can read a new blog that you wrote. You remind me of my self a few years ago. I send to you a big hug, lots of love and a great big thank you for being here for me every day. You are not alone. I am thinking about you from here every day!
Hunter

Anneatheart said...

Thanks so much everyone- glad to know I have friends :) We'll all be united in Heaven I suppose :)

Dear Hunter,

I don't know what to say- thank you so much for your encouraging words. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in your situation. I am glad that I can help in some way, although I admit, sometimes I don't think I write anything relevant to others. You will be in prayers as well.

Anneatheart said...

CCSMOMMA- That's it exactly- a squirrel!!! LOL I just watched that movie Over the Hedge- if you haven't seen it you should- the squirrel is literally just like you said :) I will always think of that now :)

liz said...

oh,i wish we could be neighbors, i live in new york(staten island)and am sahm, work part time, yes it can be lonely, im married and raising my six kids,( well one has flown the nest),and i relate to all you are saying, these early years are trying, and you can feel like your going out of your mind with boredom. i do have one little guy (21/2) still home which is why i dont work, please dont be so hard on yourself, if ive learned anything, it's that all you need to do in the end is be true to yourself, love GOD and your family, and the rest will take care of itself. friends come and go, i am only left with one good friend from childhood, and we only get together once a month or so, my mom is in heaven, and no other family. so my point is, GOD sends new opportunities every day, ive been reading your blog for some time now, and have finally been compelled to comment! have a blessed day! Liz :)

Anonymous said...

I've never commented before but I do enjoy reading your blog and check it daily! We moved recently and we are 12 miles from the nearest town and our house is very isolated (nearest neighbor is 2 miles away) so it does get a little bit lonely. You're setting a good example for someone, you never know who, besides your little ones, are watching and learning. You're a blessing! BTW, tried your biscuit recipe this morning and they are very good!

Kim

Sonja A. said...

Wow. Like everyone else has said, you have taken what I'm feeling and put it down. I cried yesterday b/c--while I'm enjoying being here in Germany--I miss certain parts of "home". I miss Hobby Lobby and was crying b/c I knew they had their new holiday things out and I was missing out. And I miss their fabric! :( I don't have anything to make anything with... I miss Yankee Candle b/c I love the new holiday candles and holders and just everything. I miss someone that speaks English off post. We have to be careful and park our car--Chevy SUV--underground in our parking basement, b/c certain foreigners like to "key" and break into Americans cars. :'( And I'm starting to be even more scared, knowing my hubby will be deploying soon and I'll be all alone...again.

I feel weird too when I go to certain things here, like FRG meetings and other stuff. I'm not very outspoken...extremely shy around new people...and not as um, outgoing as the others here. I LOVE making homemade things...especially chocolate chip cookies and rolls and things like that. Noone really does that here.

And I'm petrified about getting my drivers license. Very petrified. The rules over here are sorta the same as the states, but you can NOT turn right on red. :-O And a lot of the signs are written in German.

I'm not sure what works best, but I know that I'm not going to change who I am just to find a friend. I keep praying for that friend here and I'll keep you in my prayers too!

Have a better week!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Here is some advice from an old lady who has been where you are and sees the outcome of your efforts. I was a lonely wife and mother, too. I had dreams of being on some property in the country but it never happened. We still live in the city,and my children are grown. They are sound. They are believers and have good lives with their own families and they visit often. The grandkids have stay at home, home school moms and are well adjusted, well behaved children. What you sow you will reap. You are sowing good seed and planting it in quality soil you will reap a fine harvest. God loves you. Your blog brings me joy and sweet memories. You are prayed for by me and I am sure many like me. God sees what you are doing and he is blessing you. Take those beautiful babies out into the sunshine and celebrate the lovely life you are living. It is so worth your efforts. God Bless You.

Sarah said...

I just found your blog today. I have felt this way many times and still do quite often. Hubbby and I have a 2 year old son and I stay home with him. We are the first in our group of friends to have a child and those who do have a child work. I actually care for my niece during the day because both parents work. Of course, the rest of the group work full-time. I don't have many friends who stay home and those who do are usually running about from activity to activity. It is hard to find a friend who loves staying home. I am in a MOPS group and it is helping a lot at this time in my life. I am sure it will get more "interesting" once we have more children and start homeschooling.

I'm with you on this.

Jennifer said...

My life is different from yours in many ways, although I would love it if it was. You're a wonderful homemaker and SAHM.
One day I will make things from scatch; food, clothes etc. I definatly miss living in a place where I could hang up clothes on a line to dry.
It's an awful feeling loneliness. I feel it most, oddly enough, when I'm with people (which isn't often, enough). There are very few things I have in common with them. They are sweet people and nice friends but for the most part I would say their still acquaintances. There's a definate difference from people in my past that were friends and the people I know now. My life is in limbo and I guess so is my true friendship finding abilities. It's definatly hard but I know that once things are all in order, time for friends and finding the right friends will come. It can happen for us lonely gals.

Gina said...

I am a WAHM (Online H.S. English teacher) - and love being with my sweet children 100% and miss them when the older two go to school

I love being a keeper at home and having the joy or serving my family as much as possible. . . Working my full-time job (even being at home), most of my time is spoken for in more ways than one however.

I am also an "Anne at heart" and have loved the simpler, older ways of life ever since I was a small girl. (See my profile. . . . )

As an early 30's-something mom of three, working at home and pursuing the "old" ways, I am something of an oddball in my circle of friends. . . . I can relate to this post.

I thank the Lord for fellowship and communion we have as an online community!

Praying for you!

Gina

Cat said...

Just found your blog, and this post could have come from me (except the number of kids...I have 4).

The other thing is, IF I had a friend who thought like me and so on, she'd probably also be busy with homeschooling and all and not have much time to visit anyway.