July 23, 2009

A peek inside my selfishness

I'm feeling really crummy today.

All night I was stewing about what in the world I'm going to do for the next several days. Because you know, I was supposed to be moving. I am so sick of this house. It has been void of anything decorative or personal for months. My bedroom is a blank sterile massive room with a tiny bathroom that I can barely fit into. The living rooms and kitchen are like a solid piece of wood with bad lighting. The house is so big it's such an effort just to get from on part to the other, at least for me.

I am uncomfortable and sore and can't do hardly anything. I can't climb up to stuff that's up high to pack or crawl around on the floor to get stuff. My children just trash the house so most of the time I'm busy trying to maintain some sort of decency. the bathrooms stink and need cleaning, the girls' room is a mess of toys that I had boxed up and they got back into, the extra living room is filled with boxes- packed and empty- and stacks of stuff for Goodwill. And I can't do anything about it!!!

I've tried asking for help, even paying someone for help, and they're just too busy. My husband is doing all he can poor thing, but what do I do? I ask myself that question all day long, what do I do now? My plan got ruined and not only that, no one knows anything about when we'll close, it's just all up in the air. If I just had the keys to this house, that would be something. I could at least clean it and bring lighter weight boxes over myself. I'm sure I would be more energetic then. Right now I just look around and instantly lose motivation to do anything.

Same thing, over and over again. Cook, do dishes, wipe stickies, stop fights, do laundry, wait, wait, wait, get hot, do more cooking and clean it up, wait some more...stop fights, stop fights! Wait, and wait, and wait...

I know what I should do...I should suck it up, take some pain medicine, clean up the house, re-box what they got out, and continue with packing what I can. But I'm just so mad still! I've been crying out to the Lord to help me get over it, but it's just so frustrating. It makes me nervous that I only have two weeks to move and get all the school stuff straightened out and prepare for a baby. I don't know how we're going to pull it off.

I just want someone to care about us. I feel like I'm screaming and no one hears or cares. We're just names on a piece of paper to those loan people. I'm just another patient to my doctor. The people that do care are too busy or too far away to do anything.



Leah said...

Oh mamma!
I totaly have been there. If I lived any closer I would be there in a flash.
I will pray for you.

Do you know a hymn you could sing/hum? That helped me....

Tereza said...

Ah...man...that is a lot when you're big and preggers:(:(. Try to focus on just today...a day at a time. What can I do today to make this a good day...and then do that and nothing more. oh and peaceful music.
I hope it all sorts out soon...or time flies by fast for you until it does.saywati

Saved Sinner said...


I'm keeping you in my prayers.

jesnicole said...

Hugs to you, I've been in the "wishing someone would give a rip about us" mindset off and on for a while. Sometimes, life just hands that to us. I totally wish I were there to help you.......I've needed so much help, especially over the last year and a half.

Your thoughts have reminded me that indeed, God WILL give us more than we can handle. We can't do it all, we're not supposed to. We need HIM, and we need one another. I hope you find hope through days like this. Even though circumstances may not change, even though you may still feel discouraged and alone, I hope you find comfort in knowing HE knows how you feel.....and there is a gal in Missouri who has felt many of the same things.

"Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" -Job 2:10

"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your Word." -Psalm 119:28-

I'd love for you to read my blog post from Thursday, July 16th. I talked about times like this. I hope it encourages you.

My Life With Boys said...

You sound like exactly how I felt the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Except I didn't have to move. I can't imagine. Hang in there. I know it's easier said than done. Just know you are not the only one who has those thoughts and feelings. We all do. Some just don't care to admit it. Hugs and prayers for you!

Anonymous said...

I have been there ~ the looking around and feeling so overwhelmed with it all you don't quite know what to do, and most times not a bit of control over any of it.

Just do one thing today... put your goodwill stuff in the car and strap your kids in and get outta that house! Even if you just drive around and listen to the music. Even if you only drop the stuff off at Goodwill. If it's too heavy, unbox/bag it and have your kids load things one at a time into your vehicle ~ goodwill doesn't care if it's boxed/bagged or not. Then you'll kill two birds with one stone~! One pile will be gone and you'll get out of that house.

Wish I wasn't so far away. I'd come over and watch your girls, clean your house and tell you funny stories of my life to perk you up!
Things will change quickly. That's a guarantee! Then you'll remember what you went through when years pass and you meet someone who needs some help ~ you'll be a blessing because you've gone through it. The Lord is growing you for some task ahead.

Prayers and hugs,

His Tender Mercies said...

I know how you feel. A few weeks before my last child was born we sold our house. She was 2 days old and my house was invaded by the future homeowner and a home inspector. It was all very stressful. My husband was so busy with all the house stuff & packing it felt like he was never around & he missed out on those special newborn days that we had together with our other children. I wouldn't want to do things that way again but we did get through it all rather smoothly....except for my occasional fit : ) It will get better. Just take it all one minute, one hour, one day at a time.... and try not to expect too much out of yourself.