July 9, 2008

What do you think?

Since I opened up the topic of fertility I thought I would make another post regarding everyone's views on the subject.

I had never before heard of letting God plan your family until after my second daughter was born. When I was engaged, it was just understood that you go to the OB/GYN for your exam and come out with the script for birth control pills. I was on those about 9 months and then we decided to start trying for a baby. She took 3-4 months. Well, since it took a bit to have her, we figured we 'had some time' before we had to get serious about birth control again.

Nope. When she was three months old we conceived our second child. Now, this is actually a good scenario since they were both girls and I already had everything etc. But, in our special case, I had a c-section with Leiah, never labored, and she had problems. Well, my doctor scared me into another repeat c-section with the second one. So now I was stuck- no doctor would ever let me birth naturally.

When Alexa was about 10 months old I saw she was getting older and my baby wouldn't be around any more. I wanted to get pregnant again and my husband was soooooo against it. I found out about being 'quiverfull' and jumped on that. He did not and we disagreed, me thinking I was more spiritual because I trusted the Lord. Dh didn't know what to think/do so he followed me grudgingly. I got pregnant like that day! He was unhappy and I was very unhealthy. (second baby wasn't a year old yet) We lost that baby- what a blow.

Slowly I started to realize the error of my ways in trying to be the leader in the home and was still on the fence about birth control. About 6-7 months later, even though we were preventing pregnancy, I conceived Sarah. I did better in that pregnancy because I had learned a lot about health and nutrition. Yea. By the time she was born I wanted birth control badly. Life was so hard. Leiah was needing more and more medical care and attention than I could give, Alexa was 2 and a terror and I had a newborn. I wanted to get sterilized then!

But now, I've grown up a lot, and learned how to work really hard and gotten my health back. My girls are older and a bit more of a help to me. We have a plan for Leiah and things are working better in that area. But, there's the big thing here. I've had three c-sections and a surgical procedure with the miscarriage. Never been in labor-ever. I also have O negative blood and have to get special shots during the pregnancy and after birth. I am already overweight and have lots of medical debt.

My options are: keep going to the OB and have c-sections and rack up more debt
Search high and low for an adventurous midwife who will take me on (didn't work the last two times I was pregnant)
Do it myself

Also, my parents are a GREAT help to me- so so so much, I am so thankful. But they see it as irresponsible to keep having babies in our situation. They know how frustrated and stressed we get; how stressful Matt's job is, our special daughter, my health, lack of money etc. etc.

So, there it is. I would LOVE to leave it in His hands. Honestly. It would make everything a lot easier. Nowhere in the Bible does it literally say 'God won't give you more than you can handle.' I HATE this saying. So many people have said that to me and it just ticked me off. They haven't walked in my shoes. My husband and I are healthy and blessed to be able to conceive easily. That truly is a blessing and I'm thankful. I like to be pregnant, after the morning sickness stage. I love feeling the baby kick and move and watch my belly grow and eat lots of milk and eggs :)

We just need to seek the Lord on this and I can't go against my husband. He is so not sold on leaving it up to the Lord, LOL. So, if anyone wants to comment, go for it. The subject is open.

17 comments:

Kathryn said...

I say go with your husband on this one. I detest pop Christian culture and, though it comes in conservative clothing, I believe quiver full can be just that! Parents were not meant to carry their children's financial burdens for life. Sick women with special needs children are not obligated to have 10 children. God himself created ways to space children, and he also created natural herbs to prevent conception. Many scholars believe that 3 years or more elapsed between births in Biblical times. Few people ever say, "Don't take aspirin...God wouldn't give you that headache if he didn't want you to have it!" Birth control pills can cause miscarriage...nothing wrong with barrier methods however. Listen to your loved ones and your God...not the legalists. Do what is right for your family. God Bless!

Brandy said...

I'd say definitely go with your husband and however the Lord is leading him, as the head of the home.

We completely leave our family size up to the Lord. No birth control or prevention methods at all. There have been times, before I got pregnant with our second blessing, that I REALLY wanted to get pregnant again ... so I'd want to try more often, but hubby didn't want another child right then. I just went with his decision. It so happens the Lord's spaced our 2 children out so that they'll be just about 5yrs apart. If we get pregnant again when baby #2 (which we found out today is another girl) is only 2 months old, then so be it. I know you hate the saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but it's something we truly believe ... and we've been through A LOT, but He has ALWAYS gotten us through just fine.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that I know a little bit about what you're going through (although I do not have a special needs child). When I was pregnant with my first child, I developed a serious life-threatening condition. The doctors induced me (VERY early), because if the baby didn't come then, he and I would've died. I ended up with a c-section, as the induction did not go as planned. Then, with my second child, we were hopeful that I would not get sick, but I did, and although I was not as sick as with the first, I ended up having a repeat c-section, also early. In the operating room, a nurse had the audacity to suggest that I get my tubes tied, right then and there!! Doctors have told me that I really shouldn't have any more children, as I will likely get sick with each one and also you're "not supposed to" have more than 2 c-sections. I guess you've proved them wrong!! All this to say, I have struggled with some of the same things. Hubby wants more children, as do I, but is worried for my health. Adoption is not an option. I also have learned a lot about health and nutrition, but I wonder if that's enough to prevent being sick as I have been in the past? WHAT DO WE DO??? I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Leah said...

I have nothing profound to say, other that I will pray for you. God knows whats best and will reveal His will to you and your husband. I'm sure you knew that already, but I will pray for you anyway!

Anneatheart said...

Anonymous- what were you getting sick with? Toxemia? Gestational diabetes? I would be willing to bet you could do something to prevent that from happening again, because with three of my pregnancies I had fainting spells and weakness around 4-5 months that lasted for a month. With the last one I didn't get it at all. Not as big as what you're saying, but still, I ate better and it worked.

His Tender Mercies said...

I agree with what kathryn said.... go with what your husband says. If he doesn't want more kids & you do, pray that God will change his mind.Or like God has already done in your life...given you a baby when you were preventing conception. God is in control when you do it God's way.

I think large families are wonderful but not everyone is supposed to have lots of children....everyone has a different situation or circumstance.
Ephesians 22-24

Lori... said...

I think it's great you have surrendered control of your home to your hubs! As far as the allowing God to design our families...this has to be a Truth each of us comes to in our own time. In the meantime, keep following the leading of your husband and just don't allow fear of the "unknown" to rule your life. Be blessed Sister!

VictoriousMommy said...

Okay. I know that no woman's two shoes are exactly the same but mine is very, very close. I have had three c sections. After the second unplanned c section of course the third was planned. After three c sections it is very, very difficult to have a child. Your uterus has been cut open three times. The third pregnancy I almost had to have her outside of the hospital which would have been disaster. I am sure you have heard of when you have multiple c sections and then you don't realize you are going into labor and all of sudden you are there and it is no time to get to the doc.
But anyway back to my story. My oldest was special needs....I know what it takes to keep all of it together. God gives special needs children to special parents.
But there comes a time when you have to look at everything. God doesn't want your marriage to suffer. God doesn't want your finances to suffer. God doesn't intend for you to suffer physically.
We made the decision after the third c section for me to have a uterine ablasion. Now I wanted as many children as I could possibly have. I wanted at least my quiver full but girl that isn't for everyone. God understands. He gave us doctors to help us with this and the knowledge that they have comes from Him.

Jennifer said...

Fast and pray together as a family.

God knows the limits of our bodies and one of the most common I've heard is pregnancies that come one right after another. Almost all of them sadly end in miscarriage. We live at this time in the world where medical science provides us with the knowledge and ability to care for our bodies. It is the only one we've got.

My answer to all those who have ever asked me how many children do I want, my answer has always been the same. As many as I can afford, live comfortably, keep my sanity and the Lord has to send.

My mom is the perfect example for leaving it up to him. She only ever wanted 1 child. Her sister found out that she could never have another child, my mom said "who am I to decide how many kids I have if I am so blessed with the ability to have more?" She did try BC once but had a terrible reaction to it and stopped. So she left it in God's hand. While pregnant with #3 she had a dream of a pink bunny followed by a blue bunny, calling out to her to 'wait for me!'. So my mom ended up with 4 kids instead of 1, a 'broken' back and lots of love and support.

Fast and pray to God as to when and if your family has more to wait for. Be still, willing and ready for His answer and all will be well. Somehow things always work out in the end. Even if you'll never see it till the end.
(Sorry if this was too long)

Thursday's Child said...

I agree with the others. Follow your husband's leading on this one.

Rachel said...

Our children are each 3 yrs apart using the rhythm method. (charting cycles) What makes a quiverful? How many? It us.. 3 is full! God also says you are to be able to support your family. He also states that preventing pregnancy for selfish reasons (becuase we want to drive a nicer car) is wrong. If your husband thinks 3 is enough.. then it's enough. God is also leading him too. Children should not be a burdon. :)

Brandy - do you have trouble conceiving? I never had trouble.. so to say the Lord will let me .. well.. i would have had a kid every 9 months LOL

Jess said...

First off let me say that I really enjoy your blog, I have left comments a few time but not a lot but I am a daily reader and really enjoy the things you blog about.

Now I understand exactly what you are feeling. My situation is somewhat the same and somewhat different. I don't have a special needs child and I can only imagine how hard that is. My aunt had a little girl (she is a lot bigger now) that was special needs and I know that at first it was hard for them. They had another girl years later, but it is so amazing to see how their first daughter has grown up and the time and effort they had to make well it has paid off.

Anyway back to the topic, I have two boys, one is three getting ready to be four next month, the other is 15 mths and I am due for my third child in December. I will be having a repeat c-section, I have had to have a c-section with all of my children because they can not make it down the birth canal. Their heads are bigger then I am (seriously) and my first boy well his heartrate went down to like 10 and my bloodpressure went down to 77/37, very scary but the Lord saw us thru it and I now have two healthy boys. I will have another c-section with this baby, your body tends to get weaker and well after having two c-sections I feel its best to have another. I will probably have to anyway, I was going to try to have a vaginal birth the second time and my doctor said that was fine as long as my baby wasn't bigger then my first child. Well he was a lot bigger so we had to have a csection. Anyway someone posted earlier that you are only suppose to have two csections, from one of the doctors remarks. My doctor stated that four csection would be fine of course it depends on the cut and he said I could easily have four, he also said that he had a women once that had six csections and she did just fine.

However right now hubby and I are discussing having my tubes tied while I am in the operating room. We have always said we wanted four children and deep in our hearts we still do that is why we can't decide. My family and his family want us to go ahead and let this baby be the last one. One reason we are looking at is my health. I haven't been able to lose the weight from my second pregnancy. Plus come December in four years I will have three major surgeries plus a minor one where I lost my very first baby due to miscarriage. Anyway we can't decide.

However like others stated I would go with what your husband says right now. He is the head of the household, God put him as the leader of your home. If your truly want a baby, you could always pray to God and ask that he deal with your husband and give him that same desire. Good luck and I hope all goes well.

Ohiomom9977 said...

I have been where you've been (somewhat). My hubby and I were both on board with one child but it took ALOT of convincing to get him to have another. He is absolutely against having 3, no ifs ands or buts about it. I only ever wanted 2 children and feel my family is complete where we're at. After my 2nd daughter was born I had my tubes tied and HAVE NEVER FOR A MINUTE REGRETTED IT!! I agree God won't give you more than you can handle, but I spent lots of time in prayer on this and just had to go with my hubby on this one. I always had problems when I was on birth control and had delivery problems with my 2nd one resulting in an emergency c-section. I figure if God's plan is for us to have more children someday he will lead us to adoption. My opinion may not be the most popular Christian opinion but it has worked for me and my husband and we have a happier marriage because we agreed on this issue.

Crystal said...

I believe in being quiverfull but I also believe that God chose DH as the head of the family. What my dh chooses is what we do. I also have O- blood and those shots are not fun. I also think that if there is a medical reason for birth control that it should be taken.

mama said...

Do what's right for your family and what you have true peace about. If you don't have peace either way then wait and seek God until you do!!

Anonymous said...

I was sick with H.E.L.L.P. syndrome. It stands for Hemolysis Elevated Liver enzymes and Low Platelets. It's the most serious form of toxemia you can have and can result in liver failure, uncontrolled bleeding and death. So, this is our struggle, too. Both hubby and I want more children (doesn't that desire come from the Lord?!) but we're both concerned for my health through the pregnancy and also the repeat c-sections (unless I was lucky enough to find a doctor who would let me deliver vaginally). It's just very tough to make a decision. Anyway, I will continue to pray for you, and your hubby, as you make your decision! I hope you're having a blessed day!

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and I had to comment here since you struck a cord with me.

I have a Quiverfull heart and attitude towards children. I would welcome many children into my home and life if that were possible, although physically I am not able to bear more and my husband is content with our current family size of three children. I am choosing to submit to my husband's leadership and authority on this issue as unto the Lord Himself.

Sometimes I think though that some in this movement/mindset would think I was less spiritual in the fact that my womb is damaged (through no fault of my own) and I cannot bear children anymore. That was very hard for me to accept and not take to heart . . .

It has been hard to accept that I have birthed my last child, but over time and through much prayer I am seeking the Lord's will as never before in raising the three I have for His Glory.

In addition to praying more about this, I have been earnestly searching the scriptures and I am starting to think that the Lord judges the heart and attitudes as much or more than our actions. I now know that being of this mindset/conviction rises above the final numbers in your "Quiver" but most of all that it should show the openness to God's blessings of children and joyful anticipation over your future pregnancy and childbirth rather than dread.

This may not make any sense to anyone but me, but I thought that I would just send you my thoughts and let you know that I am praying for you.

God bless,
Gina
ImagesbyGina@aol.com