Yesterday was a blah day. There were a lot of things that needed to be done, but I had pretty much no motivation or energy to do them. Not only that, I felt on the verge of tears all day too. I couldn't figure that out, but then I realized I'd been doing a lot of research about c-sections and birth and I felt very frustrated to be in the middle of it all.
Why didn't I seek out other options with my second child? Why did I blindly trust the doctor? Why am I in this mess now? I don't know, but I know that whatever decision I make, it will be big. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to achieve a vba3c (vaginal birth after 3 cesareans) because I want to be something special or to prove something. I mainly want it so I can recover better afterwards and have a better chance at breastfeeding.
Did you know there are many birth videos on youtube? Wow. I've been watching those and while it's inspiring, it's a little scary too. Could I really do that?? I have been able to find women who have had multiple c-sections that accomplished a vbac and have done it with twins! Very encouraging. I have found several studies by medical doctors that the rate of uterine rupture is still less than 1% in multiple c-section moms- compare that with a 39% chance of fetal distress issues.
What it really and truly comes down to though is my faith. Do I really believe that God can do anything? If I have faith as small as a mustard seed can I really move a mountain? God's Word says I can. Is having a natural birth as impossible sounding as crossing the Red Sea or marching around a walled city and seeing the walls come down? I believe He has healed me inside and out, as though I had never been cut.
But here's the problem. Even if my faith is strong, there still are pretty much no doctors or midwives who will take me on. So the only choices I have are to labor as long as possible at home and then go to the hospital hoping I'm far enough along that they will let me deliver, or do it at home, just me and my husband. By the way, everyone in my family and friends has been told we're having a c-section. No need to freak them out, because they will be even more worried, so this is a secret.
Anyways, I am seeking God's desire for us. I think He wants me to do what I want and will work with me whatever I choose, but this is such an opportunity to build my faith and step out, and would be an awesome testimony. So, we're at a crossroads here. Do I take the red pill, or the blue pill?? (sorry, just re-watched The Matrix)
If anyone is alarmed by this talk, please don't be. I've been studying this since my second was born. I'm well informed, and once you've done as much research as I have, you'll probably feel the same way. Life can be risky at times, but we have a Helper.