February 10, 2009

Ponderings

I had some sick kiddies over the weekend and yesterday, and it was the kind of sick that generates lots of laundry, which I was already very behind on, so, that's what I was doing yesterday.

I did get about 2/3 of it done though, I've got a load going now, and two more to go. Maybe I'll get it all done!!! While I was in the middle of it I went through the girls' clothes and tossed what was old or what I didn't like. Hopefully it will help somewhat on the amount of clothes that need care.

It would be so much easier to convert them all to dresses and bloomers/stretch pants. One piece! But then I would have to hang all those up in the closet, and I tend to procrastinate about that...I am anxious to begin some sewing though, so hopefully I will get that going and have something interesting to post about.

God has really been speaking to me about, well, myself. I just haven't felt like I've been really giving it my all where the children are concerned. With the pregnancy stuff to deal with, I just had a lack of fortitude to really work with my children. They've have shown me some very bad things have come of it. My oldest has gotten sneaky and deceitful and my youngest is just outright defiant and has taken to screaming when she doesn't get her way. My children?? Acting like this to me?? Ouch...

So I had already ordered a book called Setting Limits for the Strong Willed child, because frankly, I just do not know what to do with my 5 year old. My brain just can't comprehend why she does what she does. Why does she continue to sneak around and get into my jewelry or makeup or whatever when she has had some serious consequences for it? Why does she dare talk back to her father and I? Well, this book has answered a lot of those questions.

Then I happened onto one of the blogs I read, The Stay at Home Missionary over there on the left had sidebar. She had a series up about how we use our time with our children. It made me realize that I've just gotten plain lazy about mothering and have a bad attitude. I want to do what I want and not deal with their botherings...yes that is extreme, but at times it's how I've felt.

I have also had some major things going on with my oldest daughter, Leiah, whom most of you know has some special needs. She is currently going to like a special ed preschool and has been since she was three. Her main developmental needs right now is her lack of speech and delayed pottying. In August I tried to get her into regular kindergarten with her own personal aid, but the school kind of ganged up on me and I didn't know that I could keep pressing on that issue. The past few weeks there have been some serious problems with her class and I had a big meeting with the school people.
Picture this: I'm in the principle's office, he's sitting across from me behind his big desk, and am surrounded by teachers, the supervisor and director over the special ed program, the lady that coordinates all of Leiah's ARD meetings and then and my sister. (She is also a director over special ed in another school district and is the one who has informed me of my rights as a parent)
I feel like I'm facing a pack of wolves basically, because they don't want to do what I want. We do battle now and several times when I got backed into a corner, I just felt like 'forget it- I'll just homeschool!'. But, I just don't think I can.

Anyways, we aren't able to come to an agreement, so we have to meet again next week. If we still can't agree then we have to bring in legal people. Ridiculous huh?

So, I've been really pondering what to do here. Since I am human and my children are as well, and have some not so nice behaviors to begin with, and they're all still small, how can I homeschool? I know my limitations, and there are many at this point. Yet I do want my children to have strong relationships with each other and I want them to love what I love. The public school likes to make you think that you don't know enough to educate your child. With Leiah, I know she needs speech therapy and the other therapies help her too. But I kind of feel sad that soon I'll have two children in school, and much less time to be with them. Yet, I will have a newborn right at the beginning of school next year, so how would that work??

I'm still thinking over all of this and am trying to listen to the Holy Spirit. If this is what He wants me to do, then I know I need to do it. If I'm just trying to be like someone else, then it won't work.

Well, I need to get up and do some stuff :)

7 comments:

liz from new york said...

i think you hit the nail on the head,you are HUMAN, so are the kids, and since you know your personal limitations,you are humbling yourself to knowing when to ask for help. special needs children are tough, i worked with them for years, and parents need the intervention, as well as a break. it's not against God to place your kids in a school,you do them a disservice to keep them home, and not have the right attitude toward it. it will do more harm than good, we cant all be like the duggar family!

liz from new york said...

me again..id also be interested in how that book about strong willed children helped you, i might just get a copy...see your not the only one, my 17 y.o. son has been oppositional since he was a small child, and i sincerely cannot blame myself, as i have 5 others who are just fine.it's good that he will be graduating high school and going off to college, as the disruption to the family is an enormous burden, but the book may still be of help.

Mrs. Darling said...

This is a hard position to be in. I have been where you are and of course i chose to homeschool but then I was a teacher to begin with so it was no stretch for me. I think you sound overwhelmed enough that maybe you had better leave your eldest in school for now. There's always time later to pull her out. Homeschooling can be done with younger children. My sister has 12 children and homeschools all of them. But usually its only done successfully by those who already know how to keep up on the home and the kids. For you to implement this now with the addition of your pregnancy I just dont think it would be wise. Pray about it and see how you feel. Dont let all the homeschoolers and the homeschool blogs make you feel that you have to homeschool to be a good parent. You do whats best for your family!

Kristi said...

I have felt exactly the same way!!! My son isn't technically considered special needs, but he is pretty speech delayed and we have potty issues too, but he is only 3, so I was hoping it was just the difference between girls and boys along with age. Anyway! I have felt the same way about not using my time well to serve my children and have seriously been contemplating that and praying over it. The other thing is that I am struggling with the education issue as well. My daughter is 4 1/2, old enough to start kindergarten, but the only thing I want to do is homeschool but then I start to second guess myself and feel like I should just put them in public school.

I think homeschooling forces mothers to confront their own demons. Look for easy to use programs that are enjoyable for the whole family. Your daughters are young and don't need as much "rigorous" education at this point- focus on reading, reading comprehension and basic math. Everything else is superfluous at this age. Based on what I have read on your blog over the last few months, I think you are capable of homeschooling. Only you know the exact limits of your daughter's condition. Maybe there is an "after-school" program that might help? An organized homeschool group for "socialization"?

Like I said, I am dealing with those same issues and I will be praying for you. You already have the first ingredient in a successful homeschool family, a love for her kids. Research it. (I suggest Sonlight, www.sonlight.com, because it is a literature based, Christian program that would focus on good books, something that would be good at this level. It is what I am hoping to use this year because they plan everything out for you!)

Sorry for the loooonnnggg comment, but I just felt your heart with this post and it practically mirrors my own...I'm praying for you!!!

Dora said...

I think that sometimes we think God is convicting us of something when it's in fact someone elses conviction. I'm not saying this is the case for you but I hope you don't feel pressured to homeschool because of other people.

You know your own situation perfectly. Perhaps more time with the kids in an unstructured, unpressured context would be more beneficial than taking on homeschooling at this point in your lives.

I just don't want to see you taking on more stress and creating more reasons to question yourself than you already are. Work with what you have and know that things may change in the future.

Hugs to you

Anonymous said...

Remember this... All public schools are YOUR employees. They work for you. You can file discrimination charges with the civil rights division if they do not allow you to do what ever is necessary to educate your child. If she needs an aide, then she gets one. If she needs extra care or time, she gets it. They can not discriminate against the disabled because they are disabled. You call their bluff! You are her parent and you need to fight for her rights because she is not able to. YOU need to stick up for her. Because if you don't... no one else will. Be strong mama. You have a long road ahead of you with the schools, but in the end, you will be glad you did what SHE needs. Public schools will always try to run the show and do as little as possible. Write letters to your political branches and school boards. I even wrote a letter to Hillary Clinton, when Bill Clinton was president, to get my child what he needed. Guess what? He got it. Stand your ground. YOU are the mama bear.

His Tender Mercies said...

Just because something seems hard or stretches you to what you think your limitations are, doesn't mean God doesn't want you to do it. If I didn't do all the things that I thought I couldn't do.....I think of all the the blessings I would have missed out on and the spiritual growth.I wouldn't have leaned on the Lord and asked for His help.

I do agree that you should continue to pray about it and do what the Lord leads you to do...don't do it because that's what others are doing.

When I find myself stumbling upon blogs & such that are discussing issues/thoughts that I have already had swirling around in my head ,have been praying about and discussing with my husband,I feel that's God's way of encouraging and leading me to do that which I having been contemplating. Of course it has to be approved by husband first.....I don't take all the advice of those on the internet : )